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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Sister in law (on a good salary) has just said she won't be buying gifts...

186 replies

Comfortzone · 26/10/2015 13:40

...for me & DH - just for our 3 DCs as xmas is 'ridiculously expensive'.

She's discussed this also with other sister in law (also on good salary with 2 dcs) and she texted to say they have both wanted to ask can we all just buy for the (5) children this year.

I've said fine by us but I'm baffled.

I thought xmas was the time when you prioritise who gets gifts, usually making family members come first then friends etc next.

A candle costs 4quid or a pen or a nail polish.

I'm not expecting big expensive gifts from them, I've never dictated what they should spend on my DCs, who are usually delighted with colouring books or simple games, but neither was I expecting an abrupt text in October telling me by the way I won't be buying you or DH a present this year.

Just seems really cold.

Or am I over reacting? Feeling really pissed off with her actually.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/10/2015 14:32

YABU

AnnaMarlowe · 26/10/2015 14:32

We only buy for our subkung's children too. In our case it's not the money, or the time (though that's a problem) it's the fact that we all feel we have too much 'stuff' in our lives already.

We swap tokens (chocolates, a bottle of wine, a plant etc) on the day and then make sure we go out (child free) to spend some quality catching up time with our siblings.

It works well for us all.

Original poster
Comfortzone · 26/10/2015 14:38

Gosh so many people are not into gift giving, someone should tell the advertising companies they're really wasting their time at Xmas. I think I'll tell both SIL gently, to not spend a penny on my DCs as they're not expecting anything except what Santa brings them on Xmas day, which is true. They're young enough not to demand anything and tbh they're not really into specific presents, just enjoy unwrapping gifts. I may suggest she donate the money she would have spent on my family to her local wine barJoking, honestly I am.

OP posts:
SarahSavesTheDay · 26/10/2015 14:40

I gather you're being sarcastic? Confused

Original poster
Comfortzone · 26/10/2015 14:41

Yes Sarah sorry I'm being sarcastic. Not coming across well. Thanks for all the advice I can honestly see it much better now from SIL point of view.

OP posts:
M4blues · 26/10/2015 14:42

I think it would be really spiteful to tel her not to bother buying for your DCs. It's not the same thing at all. As you can see from this thread, lots of people don't buy for the adults but do buy for the children. They don't resent buying for the children. They just see buying for the adults as pointless.

EnaSharplesHairnet · 26/10/2015 14:42

You asked if you were over reacting OP, imo you are.

tiktok · 26/10/2015 14:44

Once I and my sibs started having children, we agreed not to buy for each other - spending time in each other's company and enjoying nice food and drink is just fine. I seriously don't understand why grown ups would want to buy or receive 'stuff' - we all have enough stuff cluttering up our houses already :) We buy for each others' kids, though. Some of us have more kids than the others, but no one is counting!

A compromise would be a ceiling of £5 or a secret santa, if you really can't bear the idea of adults going without.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 26/10/2015 14:44

We don't buy for adults and have reduced the fixed budget for DC. It was originally an eye watering £80 per child. My sister and I ponied up £320 for two nephews (Not actually but the DC of a cousin we are very close to) pre us having DC. Once I had DC, I felt it was obscene and actually it makes me really cross to think of the whole thing amount being spunked on presents. We had to keep emailing my cousin to ask what else we could buy so the full £320 was spent.

Once we had DC, I told my mum (so it could be passed on) that I just wasn't comfortable with that amount being spent on them so the amount was reduced to £50 per child which I still feel in enormous but I'm more comfortable with. Our DC get a small token present and we are given the rest in cash and get zoo membership or whatever us save some.

DH and I hardly buy for each other either. Presents are just not a big thing for me at Christmas. I only have a 1 and 2 year old so I know that things will change and they'll be asking for play stations etc in a few years but I really want to manage their expectations and also try and save some for them.

TrashPanda · 26/10/2015 14:44

i would rather receive no present than something like a scented candle or bubble bath that 99% of the time shows no thought about what the receiver would like. They seem to be the default gift for a woman you don't really know well. Disclaimer: I understand some people love those sort of gifts, not saying that is wrong.

Similarly, when buying for others I would rather get something that is specific to that persons likes or interests. I find it really stressful and almost unenjoyable when I can't find the right thing. So for some people the giving and receiving is hard. I would rather relax with family, presents for the kids (who I love buying for) to get excited about, lots of nice food and fun without having to worry that the presents I bought for adilts weren't quite right.

Whatevva · 26/10/2015 14:44

It is fun to receive presents - it gives you a new perspective on what is around and a bit of fun. But if no one else wants to play it is a bit pointless.

My MIL was desperate to give you what you needed and only liked to get something that was genuinely useful, so could be hard work (although I hit the jackpot with a set of scissors that actually worked one year !!!)

I think I will ask if I can be adopted by my friend's mother, and join her family.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 26/10/2015 14:46

Actually - we do get small token presents for our parents (say some clarins shower gel) and DH spends hours making an album of photos for the whole year of the DCs which the grandparents love. I think something like that is much more meaningful

FunkyPeacock · 26/10/2015 14:47

I agree Trisha - I find it quite stressful buying for certain adults and hate spending good morning on rubbish in desperation when I just can't find anything suitable. It is generally the adult males I find hardest!

NewLife4Me · 26/10/2015 14:50

We have only ever bought for dc in a family as otherwise it gets too expensive.
You come across as quite weird tbh with your suggestions for secret santa's and stating you never dictate what they spend on your child.
Why would anybody do this anyway?
Young enough not to demand anything? Shock I think you need to get some values to instill in your dc if you think with age comes the right to demand.

Inneedofadvice553 · 26/10/2015 14:51

whats your idea of a good salary?

Surely it is relative to her outgoings? Maybe she is trying to save money for something? Maybe she is choosing to put the money into donating for charity?

You seem awfully greedy and grabbing.

GingerIvy · 26/10/2015 14:55

My sister and I have only bought for each other's children for years. Neither of us really needs anything and some years we've had financial difficulty, so this just suited us. It's so much simpler. Nothing expensive, just something fun and enjoyable for the dcs.

Axekick · 26/10/2015 14:55

I had kids long before dbro. He always bought presents for me,dh and dd. I spent extra on him.

When his kids came along and I had another I was so bloody happy when he suggested it. I didn't feel I could as he had bought for all three of us.

It's not the money, it's the faff. It's the coming up with the present ideas.

Christmas is definitely about the kids. I often only open the presents from dh and the kids, when we are opening presents. Leave mine til later

TheMissingSock · 26/10/2015 14:56

I wish I could broach the subject with my family, but I worry about getting a negative or hostile reaction. I would much prefer to just get presents for the dc.

Dh and I haven't given each other a present since we had dc. I would actually like to get something for and from him but our budget seems to get swallowed up buying for everyone else.

Each year gets harder and harder to come up with something for our parents, bil and extended family members.

They don't seem to need anything from us. I gave my parents restaurant vouchers last Christmas, but I know they still haven't even used them yet nearly a year later Hmm. It's madness.

CherriBlossim · 26/10/2015 14:59

Christmas is for children OP. You should be relieved that the silly present giving situation has been reduced.

TheFear · 26/10/2015 14:59

In our family, since the recession hit around 8-9 years ago or so, we don't do presents - we have a secret santa so buy one gift each for about 100 quid (5 siblings + our parents are all in the pot, so instead of spending maybe 10-20 on 7 people, we spend 100 on one decent gift); we each buy one child's gift for an assigned niece or nephew for maybe 20 quid; for the in laws there are no adult gifts and then a small gift for the nieces and nephews. Also in my family we buy a small gift for our own partner on behalf of the family e.g. aftershave, books, music..
It's wonderful. No more receiving stupid bath bombs and unwanted body lotions and perfume sets, or horrible unflattering clothing in the wrong size..
The only real shopping I have to do is for Santa.

I am honestly baffled by how many people don't take this practical approach!

TheAnimatedRemainsOfMaryz · 26/10/2015 15:04

You should still buy for her if she has no children, shouldn't you?

But she buys for your children and not for you.

That's the only fair way if some adults have children and others do not. So in my family I buy for my two single (no kids) brothers and for my nieces and nephews (the children of my third brother), but not for their parents.

My single brothers buy for my children but not for me or dh.

Backforthis · 26/10/2015 15:04

It's supposed to be children and Parents in Law only with my ILs, as arranged by SILs around 5 years ago, but one of my SILs swings between 'I can't even afford Christmas cards' to 'I wanted to spoil everyone' £60+ presents. Another says no gifts then turns up with a 'token gift' that's around £40. I love my BIL who gives us a chocolate orange each.

All the presents (bar the chocolate orange) go straight to the charity shop and the whole thing feels like a colossal waste of money. We usually buy good red wine for them all as they love it and it's easy to regift if they don't want it. We always keep the bag of gifts in the car until we've sussed out how things are going to play out present wise as the flip flop SIL has ended up in the garden in floods of tears because she'd been given nice presents and that reminded her how little money she has and, the year after, in a huff because no one bought her any presents.

customercare · 26/10/2015 15:05

I just love christmas shopping and feel sad that we no longer have any small children in our extended family. Roll on grandchildren. I can't wait.

HPFA · 26/10/2015 15:11

Have to say, I'm totally with the sister-in-law here. If she's expected to buy presents for 5 children then it seems totally reasonable to be excused buying presents for the adults as well!! AnimatedRemain's solution is absolutely right.

BabyGanoush · 26/10/2015 15:12

would you really have been happy with a £4 candle though, OP? Somehow I think not.