Sister in law (on a good salary) has just said she won't be buying gifts...

[Comfortzone]

...for me & DH - just for our 3 DCs as xmas is 'ridiculously expensive'.

She's discussed this also with other sister in law (also on good salary with 2 dcs) and she texted to say they have both wanted to ask can we all just buy for the (5) children this year.

I've said fine by us but I'm baffled.

I thought xmas was the time when you prioritise who gets gifts, usually making family members come first then friends etc next.

A candle costs 4quid or a pen or a nail polish.

I'm not expecting big expensive gifts from them, I've never dictated what they should spend on my DCs, who are usually delighted with colouring books or simple games, but neither was I expecting an abrupt text in October telling me by the way I won't be buying you or DH a present this year.

Just seems really cold.

Or am I over reacting? Feeling really pissed off with her actually.

sixtyfootdoll I've done the world trip travel thing, bought a house, have a nice lifestyle etc so I'm not jealous of her really. I just enjoying giving xmas presents to people, because it's, you know, Christmas.

I wish it was perfectly normal to only buy presents for children at Xmas. Far too much time and money gets wasted on presents that end up unwanted in charity shops or landfill. It would also take some of the focus off consumerism and, hopefully, get people to think more about the things that really matter, like being grateful for what we have and helping others with less.

moosemama some lovely ideas there, thanks. I guess you're right it's the year to start new traditions.

I just buy for dcs of my sister. I bought gifts for her and her dh but 1 year she didn't buy for us. It was a mix up with her dhs family but she did get us something afterwards. So much easier just her dc. Mine are older now so only 18 year old gets gift or cash. Saves u buying her stuff. I think we all have too much stuff now days

My house is full of candles and other assorted gifts I don't really want, you either end up regifting or taking to a charity shop. The other obvious gift is chocolates which can be a bit overwhelming if you eat a moderately healthy diet. Me and my sister stopped doing gifts to each other a couple of years ago, we are not stingy people I would rather take her out for coffee or a glass of wine or two than fill our respective homes with things we don't need.

I've done this with most family and friends, apart from those I see over Christmas (DDs, DH, PIL, SIL, DN, DPs), and also buy for very few family/friends kids also as they get plenty of stuff anyway. What's the point of swapping bloody scented candles, fondue sets and other useless tat?

In our family we don't do gifts between siblings/siblings-in-law. If I didn't have kids I'm sure I would (otherwise I would buy so little it would probably be depressing).

I would rather go big or not at all. I don't consider £4 sufficient to buy an adult a present.

It gets hard to think of things year on year. I think it's reasonable for you to suggest going to token gifts (£5 limit, or bottle of wine) or secret santa with an agreed max, if you feel strongly that you want to continue.

For me, salary has nothing to do with it, and anyway one person's 'good salary' is another person's 'barely scraping by'. We do still buy gifts for adult relatives, but I'd enjoy christmas more if we stopped.

I'm on her side too. What's the point of buying a nail polish or a candle. It's about family spending time together. She's buying for your children, isn't she?

Does she have children or is it you and a different sister with the kids? I think it makes sense personally. My family only give gifts to the kids and a token to adults without - although used to give gift to my dad when he was alive. Other fami,it's I know have £3 each limit or secret Santa

Yes mudandmayhem I have the sibling gifts from last year in my hall cupboard waiting to go to go the charity shop.

It's totally up to her.

Maybe she sees Christmas as a massive waste of money and resources, with the horrible obsession with consumption having got way out of hand.

A candle costs 4quid or a pen or a nail polish

Those things sound like a waste of money.

And I would hate a bloody candle or chocolate. Much rather a gift when someone sees something they think I'd love and give it to me randomly - which is what my sisters and I do for each other. ' I saw this and knew you'd love it' means they love me and think of me not just at a state appointed time...

Sorry OP but I'm with your SIL too. Presents are only given to children. This goes for our 2 sets of very best friends in the world. We love all 4 dearly but we only buy for their children. They only buy for ours. Most people I know do this.

Thanks I think I see it more from her point of view now. Since she never contacts me all year then why should she bloody buy me anything! But yes agree with the consumerist tat perspective also. Should be about spending quality time with those we love. Not opening presents and laughing or smiling at what that person has bought for you, having thought about you when choosing their purchase. But that is fun too though, no?

All of you who have received candles and other gifts that you don't want, why not offer them to your local school for their Christmas Fair?

But pick one where your unwanted gift won't be recognised by any of the parents

Comfort you have your own rose tinted view of "fun" gift giving. As you have seen on this thread many of us don't share it.

We do secret santa in my family as I have 5 siblings and we all have kids! the DCs get presents, the rest of us one each, with a max agreed amount. Started a couple of years ago when we all realised xmas was getting out of hand, and works well - we all get one decent present (rather than predictable candles etc) and it keeps the cost down. You still get to choose one nice present for someone that you know they will appreciate, and you get to receive a nice, thought out present too.

Would you have preferred she told you in December after you had purchased gifts?

October is quite a sensible time to have the conversation

Actually overthemill, a couple of years ago I did go that for one of our dear friends. We usually all meet up for Christmas Eve lunch and I gave her something that I knew she'd been looking for but having trouble finding. Everyone was like 'yay, you found it!' Nobody suggested I'd broken the agreement because it was something very specific. It wasn't expensive at all but meant a lot to her. Much better than being bought something random every year. I bloody hate candles which seem to be a default present from people just buying for the sake of it.

At Christmas I give to my kids and my mum (and would to my Dad if he were still alive, and a partner if I had one).

I don't have any nephews and nieces, might give to them if I did.

I like to try and find gifts that are meaningful to the people that I gift to. Candles, pens or nail polish doesn't cut it. Dull, pointless gifts for the sake of it. The same goes for Boots gift sets.

I'm with Martin Lewis. Gifting something that someone wouldn't choose for £20 to get back something that I wouldn't choose for the same amount of money effectively means I've spend £20 on something I don't want. It's a waste of money and time.

Time and money both better spent on your family, IMO.

I used to go out with my friend and buy presents. We had tons of fun picking up free gifts for early shoppers (boots makeup thontons chocolate and a useless kitchen knife One year I got loads of furry hats. Last year she bought the men in her family flowery man shirts so they could all get into the 1970s swing of things. Now my in-laws have died I have no one to buy for so have to content myself with buying stuff for the women's refuge to get it out of my system, which isn't quite the same as you have to buy what they need, which is on a list, like buying for the nephews and nieces.

Not opening presents and laughing or smiling at what that person has bought for you, having thought about you when choosing their purchase. But that is fun too though, no?

No comfortzone. Every single present my MIL gave me goes to the charity bag instantly. What's the point? I hate waste so I'm not going to chunk it in the bin straight away. I store them in a pile waiting for the next charity bag that allows bric-a-brac. A lot only wants clothes. It's a bloody pain. At least I eat chocolate. So at least that's useful. My brother and parents don't buy for me. They buy for my two DC.

good! I have a cupboard full of un-needed gifts- that I regift

treat yourself instead and don't be offended

Would it not be reasonable if she is buying gifts for your 3 children to say you do not expect a present for you or DP from her, but that you would like to get something nice for her? (Given that she has no kids for you to buy for)