Sister in law (on a good salary) has just said she won't be buying gifts...

[Comfortzone]

...for me & DH - just for our 3 DCs as xmas is 'ridiculously expensive'.

She's discussed this also with other sister in law (also on good salary with 2 dcs) and she texted to say they have both wanted to ask can we all just buy for the (5) children this year.

I've said fine by us but I'm baffled.

I thought xmas was the time when you prioritise who gets gifts, usually making family members come first then friends etc next.

A candle costs 4quid or a pen or a nail polish.

I'm not expecting big expensive gifts from them, I've never dictated what they should spend on my DCs, who are usually delighted with colouring books or simple games, but neither was I expecting an abrupt text in October telling me by the way I won't be buying you or DH a present this year.

Just seems really cold.

Or am I over reacting? Feeling really pissed off with her actually.

Yes - lots of people aren't invested in presents, and don't particularly enjoy buying them for other people.

I'm with your SIL. Of course it's nice to receive a present, and it's nice to give a present if you think it's something the recipient might like, but I really can't get my head entirely around the obligatory giving of presents. Why should someone stress around the shops and end up buying a nail polish that the recipient might never wear?

Kids are different, definitely, but with adults it should be about spending time together as a family, not about who has the biggest pile under the tree.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt if you haven't had your lunch yet - but thinking about cancelling Christmas (or her visit?) because she won't buy you a book...?

Comfort I think you're feeling a bit neglected and hurt but I also think you're envious of your SIL given your earlier mention of her holidays and now your mention of her cocktail parties.

You have so much more than her in the grand scheme of things. You have a heart thats made for giving as well as your beautiful children who you'll snuggle up to on Christmas Eve when they're all excited and dying for Santa to arrive.

Yes Imperial both SIL have said happy to buy for the DCs, not adults. I had thought to have a sack that Santa 'left' behind and when we arrive it's a mixture of gifts - but gifts that I've bought for our DCs and SIL for her DCs so the other SIL won't have to spend a penny on my kids. We won't be there xmas day or boxing day but the day after usually. Just an afternoon visit, usually quite a tame affair, tea, chat and cake. So will just bring food presents this year instead. That way I can get my fix of giving family members a present they'll enjoy. But I may not offer rich SIL any naice cake

We've done the same. Only buy for the DNs. To be fair I don't want or need anything and would rather buy things I want and OH wants

Did she say in the text that this year she is buying for the dc's and her mates? Or did the text only cover the dc's?

Sansoora thank you, lovely post. She does have a new tight partner who she has just bought the house with so perhaps this is a big influence on her recent text in OCTOBER

I don't buy presents for adults Full stop.
Well, bar the odd bottle of wine.

They can go and get what they want with their own money.
I hate getting presents. They tend to be junky tat.

I agree I get my parents and in laws gifts, but these will be either specifically asked for things or vouchers of use (it's just what they are like) and then just buy for the children, not all the aunts and uncles and SIL/BIL it gets too much

bloody no she just said for DCs. So who knows maybe she isn't buying for mates etc but she always gets tons of presents from her work colleagues which has regifted to me in the past - so really I guess I know she's not really bothered about me as her SIL. Actually I think I"m being quite naive expecting her to xmas shop for a gift for me when really we both can't stand each other!

We have never bought for adult siblings ; only for children and our own parents. Thought that was what most people did.

I am with you comfort - it took all the fun out of Christmas for me. I later found out (about a year later ) that they were supposed to concentrate on birthdays - they were always crap at birthdays and Christmas was the only thing they were good at. Also, not telling me leaves me with a feeling that there is something wrong that no one is telling me... although I am pretty sure it was just ineptitude.

It was also difficult as my children are considerably older and I am now condemned to finding children's tat, which I have long grown out of. I have to ask for a list.

Now mine are grown up, we are being given a 'family present'. It will no doubt degenerate into an exchange of tins of Quality Street or Miniature Heroes, which is pointless.

Mine are grown now and usually someone is on the other side of the world, so I will just get myself a jigsaw and a bottle of mulled wine from M&S, to microwave.

*I'm afraid I'm with your SIL

It's not just the money for me, it's the effort of searching out suitable gifts and then getting everything wrapped, boxed up & posted as well

I would rather just focus on the kids*

Me too. I think the point of christmas is the family get together, eating nice food (and the religious bit if you are into it as I am) but the palaver of buying gifts is a pain to me. Much prefer Thanksgiving as a result. No problem buying presents for children but that is usually easy but each adult buying a candle or similar for each other adult just seems a waste of time to me.

Helps to know it's quite common for other families to just buy for DCs. I hadn't realised that before thank you.

How is she rude? She's told you rather than not given you anything when you've spent lots on her.

Ever since we've had kids we've just done gifts for kids - but I always buy for the one sibling who doesn't have children. I would feel I had to spend a fortune on her if she bought for my, DH and our 3 DC and I only bought for her - at least if she only buys for my kids its slightly possible to be equal ish.

Christmas is so ridiculously consumerist, and gifts that are just bought for the sake of having something wrapped (who really wants a scented candle?) are the epitome of that. Just buying for the children is sensible - and remarkably selfless of the one childless sibling, as the sibling/s with kids could take her at her word and she'd be the one buying all the kids in the family presents but getting nothing back in return.

We only buy for the children, most of us adults pretty much have everything we need anyway.
Just end up buying tat and smelliest otherwise.

You sound a bit jealous of your sis in law to be honest.

I would absolutely love not to have to buy for adult relatives. It's not because I'm skint, it's because I hate tramping round the shops searching for inspiration and ending up buying some overpriced unnecessary object which I know they almost certainly don't want and won't use.

We do this too, I think it's great. On my side of the family I buy for my mum and my 4 nieces and nephews. I suggested it as I was fed up of getting a pile of junk for christmas from my siblings that went straight to charity. It was a waste of everyone's time and money.

On DH's side we have a lucky dip, all names (PIL, 3 siblings and their wives) are drawn out of a hat, one person spends £25 on another person so you still get a gift but the spending is cut right down. They are a list family so we all make suggestions and the buyer picks one item (win win IMO). There are also 5 children on that side that everybody buys for.

I think you just have different priorities right now, it does feel a bit odd not getting lots of gifts but the lucky dip thing that IL do does mean you still get something decent.

My siblings and I agreed this years ago, before any of us had kids. I love choosing and giving gifts but they don't necessarily.

Honestly, it doesn't mean any of us love the others any less. It's just recognising that gifts aren't that important, and that overall we felt that there were more important things at Christmas.

Now that I live abroad I generally try to send a hamper of nice foodie stuff for everyone to share as well as presents for my parents and the kids. We Skype with the family on Christmas and Boxing Day, watch the kids open their presents, have a nice chat.

It feels far more meaningful to me than DH's siblings with the transactional 'where does Jassy want vouchers for, I want vouchers from X and [husband] from Y', or any other 'duty' presents given either unwillingly or with minimal thought.

We only do children too. Adults don't need presents really. As an adult if I want something I can go and buy it any time I like, so can my parents, siblings and in-laws. Children can't which is why presents are so much more exciting.

I don't want some crappy gift set bought out of desperation so someone can had over the obligatory present.

Same with birthdays and anniversaries, don't want a gift, don't want to give gifts. Much rather have a nice meal out sans kids

Ah so you can't stand each other, but you'd still like to buy presents for each other.

Think you need to get a grip dear.

Years ago we all decided that we wouldn't bother buying for the adults in the family just the children. We were all delighted, the amount of time and money that went in to was a nightmare so it was a relief to stop. We buy for each other's children but as my two are now 22 and 18 I might have to suggest that they don't buy for them as they are now adults....not sure how my 22 year old has managed to keep getting presents along with her little nieces and nephews for this long

We have a secret santa amongst close family - £50 limit. So everyone gets a nice present instead of either a load of tat, or spending £50 per person which was just getting silly and none of us have the money spare any more.

Children still get presents.

I've tried to do this and got shouted down as "miserable"!

I am old and bossy in real life but in sibling terms I'm the rookie to be ignored!

So the sad annual exchange of disappointment grinds on..

Oh for heaven's sake! This is not really about presents, it is about your perception if how much she cares about you - or not.

Personally, I hate Christmas and would be happy to just spend it with Dh and not buy each other presents- go for a nice walk and cook a nice meal together. Now we have a DS who will be one the week after Christmas, we will have to start doing Christmas.

Not everyone is big on Christmas. Would you rather she gave you a present when you knew the whole thing bored her and she hated buying them and did not want to give you a present?

We agreed to only buy for dcs years ago, when none of us had any money and just buying for a total of 9 nieces and nephews was stretching us enough. We do buy for my younger sister though, as she's the only sibling that doesn't have any dcs herself and she buys for all of ours.

There have been a couple of years when we've made something for each family (food gifts, for example) in addition to presents for the dcs, but have made it clear that it was something we had fun doing and didn't want anything in return. Never anything expensive, just something we've put a bit of effort into - our way of showing we care I suppose. Everyone has been really pleased and it hasn't been awkward at all, one of our SILs occasionally does something similar with plants, as she's the green fingered member of the family. We're planning chutney again this year, purely because so many people asked us if we had any jars left over, as they'd scoffed the lot and wanted some more. If you want to give a thoughtful home-made gift I would just do it and establish that as a new tradition too.