Sister in law (on a good salary) has just said she won't be buying gifts...

[Comfortzone]

...for me & DH - just for our 3 DCs as xmas is 'ridiculously expensive'.

She's discussed this also with other sister in law (also on good salary with 2 dcs) and she texted to say they have both wanted to ask can we all just buy for the (5) children this year.

I've said fine by us but I'm baffled.

I thought xmas was the time when you prioritise who gets gifts, usually making family members come first then friends etc next.

A candle costs 4quid or a pen or a nail polish.

I'm not expecting big expensive gifts from them, I've never dictated what they should spend on my DCs, who are usually delighted with colouring books or simple games, but neither was I expecting an abrupt text in October telling me by the way I won't be buying you or DH a present this year.

Just seems really cold.

Or am I over reacting? Feeling really pissed off with her actually.

I'm also with SIL , it would be quite churlish to say no to the dc's out of spite / sarcasm whatever

I might get flamed for this but also I don't always see family coming before friends.... Honestly DH and i's family are not close and to be frank in some cases batshit crazy and horrible to be around, whereas our friends would be the first to come out to us broken down at 3am metaphorically speaking

As I'm being upfront a SIL with an attitude about present giving like yours op would be first on the chopping list so to speak

Sorry but yep you are bu

I am with your SIL on this really, it all seems utterly pointless going round buying each other token boxes of chocolates / candles etc

Personally I have two present-fanatics in my family (DM and DMIL). It drives me bonkers. All the rest of us would be happy with some token edibles and nice chilled out time. As it happens what we actually get is:

1. Endless reminders to write a 'Christmas List' from October onwards (I'm not 5, there's nothing I really want, and if there is, I'd rather choose the exact thing myself so I get what I want)
2. The resulting obligation to spend ££££ and weeks and weeks thinking up present ideas for people who themselves don't want or need anything, but just have an illogical and ridiculous desire to have a mahoooooosive pile under the tree and something to spend all afternoon doing (yes, it takes 4 adults about as many hours to get through presents in my family)
3. months of my DM moaning about all the stress of shopping, wrapping etc. I always say 'well let's not bother then' and she says 'nooo, but I loooove it'
4. a pile of stuff to take home that we don't have room for, much of which we didn't want, and the stuff we did ask for is usually not quite what we actually asked for
5. we end up having a really expensive couple of months just to buy people stuff they don't particularly want/need/appreciate, just so they can enjoy a few hours of some silly happy family Christmas fantasy. It's galling!!! last year when I really pushed the few/minimal presents idea my DM got all upset and went on about how all the presents under the tree look pretty. Wrap some empty boxes then fgs!!!

I'd rather not have the stress of all the shopping and just eat and chat and watch films etc. And I think gifting is really only fun and meaningful if BOTH sides are equally enthusiastic.

And yeah, I agree with Euripides I have amazing friends who are very much part of my "family", and who maybe for all sorts of reasons mean more to me that random in-laws (who in my case all broke ties with me the second I split with ex because he was abusive)

I suggested this, or a secret Santa for the adults. Just leaving children and PIL to buy for. DH is very generous and insists we spend the same on everyone (more for parents), so we give quite nice gifts and usually just get a small token in return. I actually wouldn't mind this as I am firmly in the loving giving camp, but what irks me is that they all apologise to us for not being able to buy big gifts, then when I ask what they want they suggest outlandishly expensive things which are well over our budget and I spend months searching for an alternative we can afford.

Last year, PIL were desperate for a tablet, but would never spend on themselves ( not iPad so not too dear) so I suggested we all club together and get that instead of gifts for each other. I was told it would feel weird not to get gifts for siblings and again was issud with a list of clothes from white stuff and pricey electrical items which were desirable. I received some socks or something and poor PIL did not get a tablet. It is frustrating, even though I ebjoy giving as I do feel a bit used.

Why don't you use the money you would spend on SIL on a bottle of wine and a takeaway and spend the evening with one another watching an Xmas film?

I think that's absolutely fine - Christmas if for children, not adults.

I find this attitude incredibly miserly and selfish. If they are reasonably well off, they probably buy frivolous things for themselves and their children, such as a book, a coffee at Starbucks, etc, on a daily basis. Yet once a year, it's too much to spend a similar amount on their sibling? Just a book or DVD or CD that they'd thought about would be fine. They're telling you that anyone outside of their own family is worth nothing to them.

I'm not going to buy anything for anyone this year except my DC. It's all getting totally out of hand.

I can't stand the nonsense. I just buy for children. I changed a few years ago and got a lot of shocked reactions when I said I didn't want to buy presents anymore, people clearly did buy gifts to get one back, or I would still be getting them. I can't be doing with shopping, wrapping, handing over, posting and faking a smile at the shit gifts. I am sure all sorts of nasty things were said about me, do I care?

We agreed with SIL to only do presents for the kids after we both had 2 each in the space of 3 years - there are now 5 between the two of us and you're looking at at least a tenner per child if you're wanting to get them something of at least semi-decent quality that isn't just adding to a "tat pile". If we got for each other as well (whether individually or as couples, i.e. SIL and BIL, DP and myself) it gets more expensive, and we were mutually happy to make the change.

We do secret Santa too

I didn't spend ages kondoing my house to fill it up with £4 pens or bottles of bubble bath I don't like.

My SIL has said that she's only buying for dc this year. It's not for financial reasons.

The thing is though - there are hardly any dc on dh and bil's side of the family. So she's saying, yes you can all buy my dc presents but I'm not getting you any. DH has siblings who are single with no dc and his mum is on her own so they'll get no presents at all at Xmas if everyone follows her "rules".

It puts us in a difficult position. We carry on as normal and just don't buy SIL a present. Or we do buy SIL a present and she'll probably moan. Or we all do Xmas how SIL wants us to which means several adults get no presents at all at Xmas yet fork out for SIL's dc and our dc.

At least they asked OP, we have been told this is what's happening. I've no idea what we'll end up doing. I don't feel comfortable not buying anything for MIL and the single siblings and I feel irritated that SIL is dictating this is what we should do. DH's family have done things a certain way for Xmas for decades - why should one woman come in and dictate no presents any more? Her audacity baffles me.

At least you were asked Op.

Has she got her own family/ siblings etc?

My priority on presents doesn't lay with my 'in laws' sorry!

I also find it stupid to buy adult presents, I'd rather not waste £4 on a pen!

We've had two family weddings over the last 3 years at Xmas so had to say we couldn't justify anything!

We have 12 children to buy for plus parents ( who aren't bothered but they like to buy for us so we get something in return)

It's all too much, plus birthdays during the year.

If you're doing a fun Secret Santa with friends or colleagues in conjunction with a lunch or dinner, I think that a £4 pen or candle is fine. When obligatory present swapping is done out of a sense of duty with people you don't really click with, just because they've entered into a contract of marriage with someone who shares your husband's DNA, it seems pointless and not very meaningful. So I'm with SiL. And I say that as someone who likes shopping and Christmas, and therefore understands why you're disappointed.

A box of quality street/roses and a bottle of wine per couple would be out of the question?

But do you want that?
We do the secret Santa thing for the adults but we have one aunt and uncle of DH's that always buy us something and generally it is a box of chocolates or some bubble bath. I wish they would stop. They are deeply religious and strong supporters of the Salvation Army and we have said that we would love it if they gave the money to the SA in our name instead.

If we all just admitted that we don't want these nothing gifts so much money and landfill would be saved.

So your sil buys 5 presents for your family and 4 for your other sils family and in return gets 2 £4 smelly candles?

While Christmas is more about the giving than the receiving, I can see why she is wanting a change. Christmas can be hard for the childless sibling- they have to fit in with what suits everyone else, often receive no gifts in families where children only are bought for, and are always the one stuck on the camp bed in the living room!

We used to do buying Xmas presents for just the dc, I think at sil suggestion. It was a bit odd initially, it seemed to take some of the fun out of it. I really should have appreciated it though - once eldest sisters dc were all grown up and slipped into the 'adult non-buying' category she announced she wasn't buying for (mine & brothers) dc anymore either.

What festive fun we had sitting in her house that year while they exchanged (pretty darned expensive) gifts and we watched in in awkward silence. Even my toddler dc were vaguely stunned

I really don't like the 'presents for the children only' thing. I think it's good for children to be involved in buying or making for grandma and dad and aunty whatsit - whoever you see at xmas.
I also think it's good for them to be involved in mutual exchanging and opening of gifts, seeing it as a social thing to give, not just them receiving because they are children.

I am not at all materialistic and prefer giving and getting consumable presents (nice food, wine etc) or experiences (tickets, memberships etc) but I also like giving and receiving books for example (music and films were good too but now so many people download these).

*They're telling you that anyone outside of their own family is worth nothing to them.

What absolute rubbish.

We don't buy for adults just children.

My family is very close!

They're telling you that anyone outside of their own family is worth nothing to them.

Should be in bold

feebeecat - that is possibly worse than my family. At least the children did not know anything.

My DBro suggested a few years back that we stopped buying for the adults and bought just for the kids. Fine by me. Christmas is about children and I think it is a sensible approach as long as everyone knows the score.