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Christmas

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Original poster

Sister in law (on a good salary) has just said she won't be buying gifts...

186 replies

Comfortzone · 26/10/2015 13:40

...for me & DH - just for our 3 DCs as xmas is 'ridiculously expensive'.

She's discussed this also with other sister in law (also on good salary with 2 dcs) and she texted to say they have both wanted to ask can we all just buy for the (5) children this year.

I've said fine by us but I'm baffled.

I thought xmas was the time when you prioritise who gets gifts, usually making family members come first then friends etc next.

A candle costs 4quid or a pen or a nail polish.

I'm not expecting big expensive gifts from them, I've never dictated what they should spend on my DCs, who are usually delighted with colouring books or simple games, but neither was I expecting an abrupt text in October telling me by the way I won't be buying you or DH a present this year.

Just seems really cold.

Or am I over reacting? Feeling really pissed off with her actually.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2015 17:21

A Christmas gift does not equal 'caring'. We had to buy a gift for a SiL we despised for years so as not to upset DH's family apple cart. She felt the same for us and bought us a gift for the same reason. I'm sure she was just as relieved as us when it was no longer necessary!

Spending time with people, sharing memories and laughter, that's what 'caring' and Christmas are really about.

I'd have pitied my parents if they'd had to buy for all their siblings + kids! Mum had 5 siblings (plus spouses) and 13 nieces and nephews. Dad also had 5 siblings (plus spouses) and 10 nieces/nephews. They wouldn't have had money to buy US gifts after buying for that lot! Grin

LeaLeander · 26/10/2015 17:26

I think buying just for children is quite common; no need to take it as a personal slight.

In my extended family we don't like the practice though because it disadvantages the many childfree. We tend to buy per household so for example a DVD set the whole family can enjoy, or a bird feeder, or popcorn maker etc. no toys.

AfroPuffs · 26/10/2015 17:30

You really need to get a grip OP. You are coming across as melodramatic and grabby IMO.

You now saying that you will tell them 'not to spend a penny on your dc' is passive aggressive and over the top.

I think you just need to suck it up as Xmas is about way more than presents. Enjoy the time with your family and value that.

OSETmum · 26/10/2015 17:34

This is normal in our families. There's just nothing we want/ need as adults!

I'm a bit confused because you say that she should put family before friends but then go on to say that you don't actually like each other! Plus you have no idea whether she's buying for friends this year.

She's still buying for the children when she has non of her own, so it's not like she's being selfish.

feebeecat · 26/10/2015 17:35

Whatevva it was just weird!! Fortunately my dc were young enough to be distracted away from it - chased them out of the room with a cracker or something. Dh was hugely unimpressed and that was the last Xmas we went there.
Was always tempted, but not quite brave enough to ask, if she wasn't "doing Xmas for the dc anymore" who was she doing it for? Confused

patienceisvirtuous · 26/10/2015 17:41

I think Sansoora's comment re the OP having 'so much more' than SIL because she has dc and 'a heart for giving' is spiteful and shit.

Clearly the SIL also has a heart for giving when she is still happy to buy the five dc's gifts.

It smells of the nasty generalising attitude that childless women who dare to have nice things, holidays etc are selfish. Seeing as OP thought that was a 'lovely' post I can only imagine why SIL prioritises her friends...

Whatevva · 26/10/2015 17:43

My embarrassment was that I gave out the presents and got nothing back - it slowly dawned on me that something was up when I saw my DS sneak hers unopened into her bag. In-laws politely thanked me and said I was very kind. DB told me at bedtime. I appreciate that it may have been too much for them with younger children, but I did not appreciate that they did not think my time was equally precious a. when mine were younger and b. when I was running round getting them presents, but they weren't Hmm. Now I get a useless 'family present' and fully expect it to degenerate into the dreaded tin of Quality Street.

It is always nice that if you decide these things, you talk to everyone about it (and open your other presents when they are not there Hmm)

Sansoora · 26/10/2015 17:48

*I think Sansoora's comment re the OP having 'so much more' than SIL because she has dc and 'a heart for giving' is spiteful and shit.

Clearly the SIL also has a heart for giving when she is still happy to buy the five dc's gifts.

It smells of the nasty generalising attitude that childless women who dare to have nice things, holidays etc are selfish. Seeing as OP thought that was a 'lovely' post I can only imagine why SIL prioritises her friends...*

Yawn.

Bimblywibble · 26/10/2015 18:03

Feebee and Whatevva - such shoddy treatment of you both. Very hurtful.

Sansoora · 26/10/2015 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SlatternIsNotSure · 26/10/2015 18:23

Whoa, this the Christmas topic, no need to fall out - there's AIBU for that.

And for the record I couldn't give a toss what car anyone drives.

feebeecat · 26/10/2015 18:35

Yes, Whatevva sitting watching them opening their presents was painfully embarrassing - until I manically ran out of the room chasing the dc.
Have to say, I've always loved Xmas and although I get quite cross at all the wasted years (and money) I spent traipsing around buying for nieces - even during the stroppy teen years - I won't let them spoil it. We spend our time at home now and do go over the top making a big deal of it for dc, well aware we are overcompensating for lack of interest from wider family, but we don't care now - all the more Quality Street for me Grin

BeStrongAndCourageous · 26/10/2015 18:43

I think buying for adults is absolutely mental, other than your DP, unless they have no one else to buy for them. So I get my mum something, as she's on her own and wouldn't get a gift at all if I didn't.

But DH and his family all still buy for each other, and I find it ridiculous, because we are all quite well off, and if there's anything we really want, we will buy ourselves and not wait for Christmas. So come Christmas we're all scrabbling around trying to think of what to get each other and most of the time getting it wrong and wasting time and money - and yet, the one year I suggested we give it a miss and just buy for the kids, they looked at me like I'd grown another head.

Sansoora · 26/10/2015 18:47

And for the record I couldn't give a toss what car anyone drives.

Nor do I but when someone as rude as Patience is deliberately missing the posts I made in support of the SIL spending her money as she sees fit, I even went as far as suggesting to the OP she's a bit envious of her SIL then I think its only fair the person is out straight.

She couldn't have got me more wrong if she tried. She thought I was having a pop at single women who dont have children spending there money on nice things - when I am in fact a now single woman spending her money on nice things. Very nice things.

And as I said earlier I was saying to the OP - you have your children to snuggle up to on Christmas Eve, you dont need a present.

Im hiding this thread now. I cant be bothered with it anymore, Patience has way too much of my attention - and I have a SIL to collect from the airport in half an hour.

laughingatweather · 26/10/2015 18:50

I think you can object if you were preparing to buy her five presents. One each from you, your DP and the three DC.

Because her buying one each for all of your family means she gets five back for the five presents she chose, paid for and wrapped doesn't it?.

Oh no wait, you were giving her one from the whole family weren't you?.

I know you don't give to receive, especially at Christmas but I decided to just buy for children at Christmas as my family expanded because if I was spending £20 each on kids and parents, I'd be spending £100 on your family and it was much much cheaper for me to forego the £10 present I'd get from 'the family' and not have to spend money and use my time on buying for adult parents who have more than enough 'stuff'.

MrsFogi · 26/10/2015 18:51

I wish my grabby sil would agree to this - every year she refuses and insists on providing a "wish list" for her and her husband.

shutupanddance · 26/10/2015 18:56

Do you know what her outgoings are? Besides the point actually. I think its a great idea.

patienceisvirtuous · 26/10/2015 19:20

Defensive much, Sansoora?

You said 'you have so much more than she does' which is a very spiteful comment. That says everything about you, as does your weird brag fest a few posts ago Confused

I don't make spiteful comments.

Judging by your completely ott reaction you obviously don't like being called out on being spiteful.

You can go back to yawning now...

lighteningirl · 26/10/2015 19:29

My sisters and I buy for each other but not dc they get loads so we get for each other only. Now all dc are grown we still buy for each other.

howtorebuild · 26/10/2015 19:32

I know when I was into the who gift exchanging thing, for me it wasn't about being Grabby, it was a symptom of low self esteem. If I got a nice gift it meant the person knew me and took the time to select something suitable, that type of thing. I am glad I am over all of that now.

Sparkletastic · 26/10/2015 19:33

You don't like her. It is odd that you are so bothered.

littlemagic · 26/10/2015 20:09

I think to tell her to not to buy your kids presents is just plain rude. Just because she doesn't want to buy you presents your children aren't allowed a present from there auntie! The other sister agreed with her so are you not going to buy her children?
If it was me in your situation I would buy her something as she is the only one without kids and buying for all the kids.

Bimblywibble · 26/10/2015 20:27

OP I think the most dignified reaction is to let her buy for the children but give her a small token from the children in return.

I would be delighted to stop exchanging adult gifts but if she is going to continue to buy gifts for the children, it would be nice to give her something to open in return.

DingbatsFur · 26/10/2015 23:36

We also just buy for the kids on my DH's side. At first we did secret Santa, but we always got the sibling with expensive taste to buy for and the one with interesting taste who bought for us.

StitchingMoss · 26/10/2015 23:43

I think your SIL is right. We gave up buying for adults years ago and I find it uncomfortable how much money is spent on what is essentially tat at Christmas.

Christmas is about spending time with loved ones for us not receiving endless gifts.

Sad.

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