Sister in law (on a good salary) has just said she won't be buying gifts...

[Comfortzone]

...for me & DH - just for our 3 DCs as xmas is 'ridiculously expensive'.

She's discussed this also with other sister in law (also on good salary with 2 dcs) and she texted to say they have both wanted to ask can we all just buy for the (5) children this year.

I've said fine by us but I'm baffled.

I thought xmas was the time when you prioritise who gets gifts, usually making family members come first then friends etc next.

A candle costs 4quid or a pen or a nail polish.

I'm not expecting big expensive gifts from them, I've never dictated what they should spend on my DCs, who are usually delighted with colouring books or simple games, but neither was I expecting an abrupt text in October telling me by the way I won't be buying you or DH a present this year.

Just seems really cold.

Or am I over reacting? Feeling really pissed off with her actually.

I can see where you sil is coming from, I love Christmas but I am not very good at buying presents. I buy for my sister and her boyfriend they have no children but then my brother and sil have 2 children and we never ever see them so don't buy for them. I buy for my dad this year it's a panto ticket. I also buy for my best friend her husband and children so really what I am saying I buy for the people I see, have a relationship with and actually like I can't be doing the buying for people I never see.

It gets very expensive, whatever your income, and time consuming too unless you buy any old tat.

I really dislike the wifework involved with Christmas. once have sorted out and paid for things the DC, gifts for other DC, Mum and Dad, travel / visit plans, time off work, childcare, food etc I find gift buying for adult friends and family who I rarely see and don't know what they might like hard work.

DH's family (almost all men) stopped buying gifts for adults years ago and just see each other and celebrate without gifts, works well.

So we just get something for parents and wine or chocs for anyone we're visiting.

I haven't bought gifts for adult family members in years. My SIL gets flowers on her birthday, as do I, otherwise at Xmas it's kids only.

We don't buy for our brother or sister. We don't buy for grown up nieces. I did this because we have a much larger income and could, but they then feel a need to reciprocate and would find that a financial burden. We tend to get a bottle of wine, or chocolate for the house instead.

I thought it was a kind thing to do.

I hate the wastefulness of christmas. We stopped buying presents for friends children last year and is let so much better knowing that we hadn't bought loads of tat that would be opened on Christmas day and discarded by new year. It was a joint descion between us all, as we were all struggling to find decent things to buy that were in budget that the children wanted, so this worked for us.
Christmas is such a wasteful time of year. Use the money you would have used on adults presents and buy a toy for a charity who will give it to a disadvantaged child who otherwise will have nothing. I'd much rather have that than a candle.

I'm not into shopping, not do I really enjoy receiving gifts (I find it uncomfortable actually) so I'd rather do "no gifts". It's not a money issue at all, just a preference.

Finding the right gift is stressful, not everyone enjoys it. I tend to buy random gifts rather than event specific ones.

I totally see where your SIL was coming from, I was had been buying presents for my brothers kids (7 of them!) for about 15 years before I had my own DD and I was rather fed up. Although at least I stopped buying presents for my brothers about 30 years ago after I left home as none of them were that bothered.

I don't see the point of buying presents for the sake of it, I learnt that when I bought some god awful cheese cutter set for mum years ago, she gave it back to me it was that bad. It's been sitting in my cupboard for the past decade having been only used a handful of times. She was right, it was an awful present.

We started buying for kids only years ago. When it got to 10 kids on my side of the family (I have 3 siblings) we stopped buying all together. Instead we have a family meal out together and go on treats for relevant age groups. This year we are taking the older ones together to see Matilda in London whilst the tinies will have a get together in a soft play area.
My kids will remember that much more than another present, they still talk about last years group Chessington trip

Shared events sound lovely.

I like my food and so I have fond memories of Auntie's special trifle, Grandma's mince pies and BiL's festive beef joint!

We now just buy for nieces and nephews, not siblings, because it had got to the stage of everyone asking each other what they'd like. So there were no surprises, we were essentially buying our own gifts.
BUT we all have children. In your case, it sounds like your sil was buying for 5 dc as well as siblings and in-laws which is a lot, so I don't think she's being unreasonable. The fact you've said you can't stand each other, and yet think you should take priority over others is another matter.
If she's buying gifts for your dc, but she has none for you to return the favour, I think you should buy her a gift anyway.

I agree with the poster who said you sound a bit jealous of your SIL OP

If you really want to do token gifts could you suggest buying each other an Oxfam chicken or something? Much more useful than a candle taking up space in a cupboard, and some charities send you a fridge magnet which would be something to unwrap on the day.

My husbands family don't buy for adults and they are very well off!!! My family are loads less well off and we all buy for each other! My mum just feels really sorry for my husband and he gets more off my side of family!! I think as adults with children you don't tend to often buy yourself things so at Christmas it's lovely getting pressies and doesn't have to be a fortune!!! The irony is I still have to get them gifts 'from the children'??

Littlemouse that is a fabulous idea!

Plus Matilda is a truly memorable treat in itself.

I don't buy for my brother or SIL, I buy for my parents but other than that I stick to buying for children only. Tbh I don't like people buying me gifts unless they know exactly what I want, I find it awkward opening gifts that are a waste of money ( something I won't use ) so would rather people didn't bother.

'So the annual exchange of disappointment continues'
:)

I'm with SIL too. We have been only buying for children on both sides of the family now for a long time, apart from one of my sisters. She had a massive sulk a few years ago so we have to buy for her. She doesn't even care what she gets as long as it's lots of 'stuff'. She is going elsewhere for Christmas this year so she'll be getting an M&S gift card. I imagine I'll still be able to hear her shrieks of fury though.

Thinking back to my childhood - very little money - I know why this seems perfectly normal for me, my parents didn't even buy each other presents at Christmas, never mind the wider family, only children got presents.

This was the 60's. I was pretty shocked to join exHs family with the whole Xmas excess thing going on - until they too opted for a children only policy about 10 yrs ago - much to everyone's relief in the end. Secret Santa for adults - and then only because we all got together on Xmas day.

We do dc gifts only with siblings but on my side a £10 present for adults which is usually a good challenge and involves charity shops etc. On dhs side he buys gifts for his dm and df. With friends we don't do dc gifts at all at Xmas as they have so much. My friends I just do birthdays unless as someone else said, you see something just perfect for them and just gift it because its right. No birthday presents for any siblings either.

Tbh I think it's a bit unreasonable of you to expect your SIL to buy 5 presents for your family for 1 in return.
We also switched to DC only between my 4 siblings, except for DB who has no kids so we all buy for him.

DH on the other hand buys for his sister, his cousins, their DCs, and on and on...as long as he doesn't expect me to have to buy or wrap anything it's up to him!

We gave up swapping presents with BIL+SIL after two years of swapping champagne bottles, which really was exceptionally pointless.

We discuss what we might like with other family members and often agree to get a certain thing 'for' someone which is something they want but can't really justify buying themselves as there's always necessary priorities.

I agree with your SIL.

With DH's family we only give presents to the DC, which saves a huge amount of hassle because they are purchasers of tat and I find it very stressful having to be grateful for vile items when I would rather they saved their money. Your whole candle/pen/nail polish list set off an involuntary shudder in me OP I would like to say that this is their choice, not ours.

We still exchange presents with my siblings and parents, we can all afford to spend a decent amount of money on each other to get something nice, and nobody is thinking 'ooh you've only spent £35, I spent £50 you cow', because we buy things that we know the other people will like.

OP, I'm with your SIL. We don't have DC, and we used to buy gifts for BIL/SIL plus their 3 DC, with usually around £35 - 50 being spent on each DN, plus something like a half case of wine for the adults, so we were probably spending not far off £200 on their family. We reached a turning point when our Xmas present from the entire 5 of them was a jar of olives and some sun dried tomatoes. We didn't even get any thanks from the DC.

Now, we continue to get scaled down gifts for the DC (usually gift tokens so they can choose something for themselves) and we give the BIL/SIL a token gift of something home made such as sloe gin, fruit curd, etc if we are seeing them. This appears to work well, the DC are happy and quite frankly we got fed up of being taken for mugs.

I find the idea of buying a "token" £5 candle for a well paid adult quite bizarre anyway. I'd much rather save my time, money and effort for buying gifts for close friends whose tastes I know, and where I know my efforts are appreciated. As several other posters have noted, friends can be in practice much closer than family.

YABU what she earns or has is irrelevant

My OH and I do OK and have no kids, but have 8 nieces and nephews to buy for, so we don't buy for brothers and sisters either

Christmas is very expensive for us!