Just a little wobble

[simb]

Generally I'm happy with my lot and accepting that children aren't in my future. I was always on the fence about having children throughout my 20s and 30s and more often than not felt relieved to be able to concentrate on myself and having lots of joyous experiences!

I'm child free by circumstance with an absolutely lovely partner who is so right for me. He doesn't want children (right from the get go) and I've accepted that. I really can see the benefit of my freedom and and I have a brilliant friendship group of both child free people and those who have children. In general I'm content with our decision. I live a rich full and happy life!

A couple of years ago I had a really big broody time which was very difficult for me and my partner but we came through it and I can say hand on heart that it is the right thing for us as a couple. I can also acknowledge the smaller part of me that perhaps would have liked to take the other path and love and care for a child/ children.

A good friend has just given birth and I'm just feeling so very very sad and wistful this evening. I literally feel pangs in my heart for the little family that never was and never will be.

I know that this will pass. Don't really know what I'm posting for! Just to type it out I think and acknowledge my little wobble and honour my feelings this evening.

Thanks for reading!

A couple of years ago I had a really big broody time which was very difficult for me and my partner but we came through it and I can say hand on heart that it is the right thing for us as a couple

Yes, I'm sure it is the right thing for you as a couple. But is it the right thing for you as simb?

I think it is - definitely not 100% but I just read on another thread the phrase "a carefully thought out decision" and I think that's a good description of my circumstance. On balance I think it's right yes.

I like the ship that I'm on but I'm also watching the other ship still away and I'll never know what it's like on that one. Might be really wonderful. Might also not...

Just tonight I'm feeling sad!

If I hadn’t changed my name, I’d clear right off because the people without children will soon be along to tell me that I’m not welcome on their board!

But if every single person who read this reaffirmed your decision not to have children and was completely certain about how good a decision that was, then you wouldn’t be able to wobble here.

Have a child if you can. Leave your partner if necessary. I get the impression from your later posts that you’re young enough for this to be possible. I genuinely disliked and didn’t want children until I was 35 or so. Biological clock, everyone said. Eventually got sloppy with contraception and had DC1 at 36. DC2 two years later. Would have liked to have more.

For me, the wobble wasn’t really a biological signal. (In fact, I found the hormonal bits of childbearing — pregnancy, breastfeeding — really hard and unenjoyable). It was becoming more
mature and watching my parents get old (and one die) and watching my friends getting older and taking joy in their own children… and realizing that I was starting to get older and that the things I’d loved doing in my 20s and 30s were starting to recede as possibilities… and that I was no hotshot and shouldn’t easily dismiss the things that wiser people than me thought were the best things in human life…

I think this is a brilliant post. Good on you @namezchangez

@simb I don't have an option (biologically) so feel free to ignore me because I had to reconcile that fact in my thirties and come up with a million reasons why it was ok and why I was allowed to feel sad at these times. But as I said, I didn't have another option and it's a big part of why I am single now.

You have a choice and if you're not certain about your choice (the one you've made so far) then you deserve it to yourself to investigate all possibilities to see if being child-free is the right thing for you. Because it's too late to decide later.

I tell myself I am lucky because I have two brilliant goddaughters and my cousins's kids. And in that respect I am lucky. But it's not the same as being a mum and at some point I will probably date again when I am very much past my fertility externally (you know when no one expects to be dating someone who wants kids).

But as I say, I don't have a choice. You do. Please think hard about your choice and what is or is not worth the sacrifice. Not all women want children, not all women can have children, but all women who can have children have the right to think about what it means to have children and if that is what they really and truly want. As I say, it's too late to decide later.

This is your life and not just his.

I wonder what child free by choice people think they'd be missing out on if they had children.

Being childfree.

This.

@Betterorbutter nails it.

I'm not usually one for thought experiments, but your post touched me, especially where you said "I've accepted that."

I wondered how you would feel if in some fantasy universe DP was spirited away, and you were on your own - OK as you are now, but on your own.

Would you still not want children, do you think?

The other thought experiment is imagining yourself at 60 where not only were you childless but grandchildless when many of your peers will be enjoying their grandchildren.

All life choices have upsides and downsides. I only hope that your choices will be right for you, OP.

OP, I agree you need to think about what you want. You shouldn't give up children for your partner if they're something you decide you really want. But you definitely shouldn't have them because other people tell you to.

Either decision is, eventually, irrevocable - but one affects far more that your own life.

The happy, healthy, busy life I have & love. At 52 & in peri, I know myself well enough to know that being childfree was always the right decision for me. If having kids was the right decision for you then I’m glad about that too.

I hope the OP makes the right decision for herself.

If you are in perimenopause or around that stage, it's common to get 'broody' feelings. It's your hormones signalling you don't have much 'childbearing' time left. I've heard even women who have children can suffer this too, a sudden urge to have another one when they hit their late 30s/40s.

It really is your hormones talking and you should listen to what your head is saying on this one - if you were confident before that it was the right decision for you, ask yourself what has changed other than the broody feeling.

Agree with the post above - its hormones having a last hurrah, assuming you are late 30’s/40’s.

OP, I absolutely relate to your wobble. It's very unsettling and difficult to hang on in there. I think it's totally normal to have wistful 'what if?' moments, no matter what choices you make in life. You often hear parents on here talk about having 'what the hell have I done?' moments early in their child's life. It doesn't mean they made the 'wrong' decision, just that they had a wobble

I have had more wobbles than I can count. Some were much bigger than a wobble, more like an existential crisis! I'm 46 now and I didn't have children and I'm as sure as I can be that I made the best decision for me. There's a huge amount of pressure to be a mother and a widely held belief that motherhood is the 'natural' choice that all women want 'deep down' - don't underestimate the impact of this. It's a highly personal, very complex choice and no one can make it for you, but wobbles are part of the journey for many of us. Good luck, it's a very tough decision

You are absolutely allowed to wobble OP.

Life isn’t a linear line. It ebbs and flows.

I have children, so I never come here. feel free to ignore me.

But I have several child-free friends, all very dear to me.Many of them had a wobble in their 40s. But they didn't actually want children.
Most people worry about the path not taken. Doesn't mean it was the right path. Wobbles in life are common.

I’m 64. DH and I couldn’t have children. Happily married for 35 years. Friends starting to have grandchildren now, does that make me envious and wistful? No not really. Some of them are really tied up with childcare and they or their partners are no longer in the best of health. Would I feel differently if something were to happen to DH? I doubt it.

I have another thread here on how my young adult children have no time for me at all! That's because it's very hard for young people to establish themselves these days. Both are absorbed in trying to study and work in a terrible job market. At least one may emigrate.

So don't have children thinking they will cluster around you. We all have to make our own families these days.

I think this is a very valid point in this day and age. Life is a lot more difficult and complicated than it was.

Also, how would you cope if you had a child with additional needs? If you are older, that's more of a possibility. Some of the threads on here are heartbreaking, as parents try to navigate stretched services for their children. You also then have the worry of what happens to them once they are gone (especially if the needs are severe).

I do understand the point above about family dying off and children being a new thing to focus on. But I think it is possible to make new connections without bringing a new person into the world. You could expand your friendship group, and if you are concerned about later life and possibly being alone, look at places like retirement communities.

Sorry if I have posted too much on here. Yes, so possible to make other connections. I am in several hobby groups. My child free friends are great aunts. One of them has become an award winning travel journalist, hard to do if you have children. I can see it brings her as much joy perhaps, as my children do me.

OP, having a wobble is completely normal, but you know deep down that you've already made the right decision. When you're in your 50s and 60s you will just feel relief to be childfree as you watch your friends struggling with and stressing about their teen and adult kids. It's relentless.
Having children is about so much more than cute, cuddly babies - and you know it.

It doesn't work like that. If you don't want/need them, you just don't want/need them.

I don't like offal so I don't eat it. I don't sit around thinking 'ohh, I wonder what I'm missing out on by not eating kidneys today'.

The life we’ve chosen for ourselves. Just like you’d think you’d missed out if you couldn’t have the life you’d chosen for yourself with children.

How would you feel if you woke up pregnant? Panicked and stressed or happy and hopeful?

It’s one of those snarky comments.
Someone on a similar thread talked about people without kids being more insular, which I thought didn’t at all fit with the ‘satisfied with my little family’ trope.

Most childfree people I know, including me, make an effort to be less insular & more part of their local community. I followed the examples of a couple of fantastic older women, one a family friend & one my great-aunt.

Hey OP, I get the wobbles. I'm the more stridently childfree one out of me and DH and I still have them, thankfully fleeting! I did feel reading your post that you think about the decision from a couple POV but I think it may be helpful to focus on your specific reasons for being childfree, a proper heart to heart with yourself about your reasons.

I don't have the same kind of feelings of sadness, and I would want to really investigate that feeling and understand it. But I don't know you and don't want to make assumptions. Be gentle with yourself, feel your feelings, there is no wrong answer to any of this as you say the road not travelled and what ifs are just part of life, but you're also allowed to question.