Just a little wobble

[simb]

Generally I'm happy with my lot and accepting that children aren't in my future. I was always on the fence about having children throughout my 20s and 30s and more often than not felt relieved to be able to concentrate on myself and having lots of joyous experiences!

I'm child free by circumstance with an absolutely lovely partner who is so right for me. He doesn't want children (right from the get go) and I've accepted that. I really can see the benefit of my freedom and and I have a brilliant friendship group of both child free people and those who have children. In general I'm content with our decision. I live a rich full and happy life!

A couple of years ago I had a really big broody time which was very difficult for me and my partner but we came through it and I can say hand on heart that it is the right thing for us as a couple. I can also acknowledge the smaller part of me that perhaps would have liked to take the other path and love and care for a child/ children.

A good friend has just given birth and I'm just feeling so very very sad and wistful this evening. I literally feel pangs in my heart for the little family that never was and never will be.

I know that this will pass. Don't really know what I'm posting for! Just to type it out I think and acknowledge my little wobble and honour my feelings this evening.

Thanks for reading!

Thank you so much for sharing this. As someone who has also been on the fence for many years, your perspective is really valuable.

People may have theoretically been able to choose family size since the 50s, but up until the early/mid 90s, it was still seen as at best misguided, a bit weird not to want to have children at all, at worst selfish and anti social. I was ttc at this time - never succeeded - and I remember er a book being published in 1995 called Childfree and Loving it by Nicki de Fago - and it caused quite a stir, with the author being interviewed on Woman’s Hour.

How old is he, may I ask? I was told on another thread that it would be a worrying situation to bring a child into.

He's 8. I have family we barely see. I doubt it'll be a problem when he's older. My dh only has his mum and obviously us and that's fine

Now who's being snarky?!
With respect, you have no idea about any experiences with children, as you've chosen not to have them.
Plenty of people travel the world, have their dream career, do all the socialising they like and make lots of money having had children. There's a lot of talk of freedom here and I'm baffled really....aside from the idiotic comment comparing child rearing to being under the taliban, do people honestly think having children is akin to incarceration?
Conversely, i would offer that having children opens the world up. I have done many wonderful things I wouldn't have experienced if it hadn't have been for my children.
Returning to the OP's query, if i were in her shoes, i would make a solid evaluation of the things i could no longer do with children. And unless she wants to go out clubbing every night, she'd not be missing much.

Well you’ve certainly won the snark contest with your “going out clubbing” comment.

The freedom people are talking about is more nuanced than simply “kids cramp your style”. It’s emotional freedom. Your happiness and peace of mind becomes dependent on the happiness and welfare of your children. “You’re only as happy as your least happy child” is something I hear a lot.

Mine seems to be a minority opinion, but I still think the decision to have a child should be based on what kind of life you can give the child, not what the child can do for you own life. Of course the latter is a consideration - but it should not be the primary one.

@Strawberriesandpears i would think that goes without saying, hopwfully. but the OP is concerned about her own experience in this query.

Agreed, but I think both should be spoken about.

I agree but how many men or women actually do consider the life they can give a child before having one? Very few I am pretty sure.

Certainly most of my friends had children just because they wanted them with little discussion or because it "is what you do" with no discussion at all.

I worked with someone whose boyfriend was a drug addict who didn't work. They lived in a damp very small flat that cockroaches running around it. They had very little money. In fact she often would borrow money to buy her lunch which she almost never paid back. They had a child because they wanted one!

I think if you are thinking about loss of freedom then it's important to remember that raising children takes 18 to 20 years, out of your adult life.
They're all grown up now but even now I find myself doing many things I wouldn't have dreamed of if I hadn't had the children.

I get it though, this is the child free board and people on here have made a decision or had it forced on them. They feel a need to defend it and reassure themselves that it was the right choice. I do think that with such a huge decision it's probably healthier to draw a line, put it in a box and not question it later.

Oh I agree. I think most people do just have a child because they want one. Maybe I should just take that approach myself!

If the child has additional needs it can take a lot longer than 18 to 20 years. You can be looking after and worrying about them until your dying days.

Of course, but it's a tiny risk. If you are completely risk averse then that's the right choice.

I had lunch yesterday with two lifelong female friends in their sixties, who having come out of the child rearing years, now find their days full of childcare of grandchildren.

It's ongoing.

"I do think that with such a huge decision it's probably healthier to draw a line, put it in a box and not question it later."

As a thinking person though you probably do revisit decisions you've made for better or worse throughout your life. Especially as hopefully you gain wisdom and a wider perspective as you age.

It's a tiny risk if you don't have condition / aren't a carrier of something yourself.

I don't need to reassure myself that me and DH made the right decision. Neither of us have ever doubted our decision and seeing our friends' problems with children, grandchildren and great grandchildren makes us so glad we did make that decision.

Also, as I have said, over the years so many women (and men) have said if they could go back in time they would not have children so that also re-enforces our view.

I have a friend whose fine grown son was involved in a road accident and a relation whose son had a stroke whilst he was studying medicine at university.

Their entire lives now centre around caring for grown men who had happily launched out into their own lives and then became incapable and entirely dependent on their mothers again. The only way this will end for any of the people involved is death.

The risk is there and never goes away.

I didn't choose not to have children because I am risk averse.
I just don't like them and having them isn't for me. I'm in my sixties now and have never wobbled. I can see having children brings people joy and good luck to them.

Yeah I totally missed understanding about all those rapist and bully genes…. I think it’s clear that nurture far far outweighs nature for these kind of things. Almost all people in those situations have had poor parenting and a poor upbringing

That could happen with your partner also. Or ending up caring for parents, or even other close relatives. Or does being so risk averse mean having no one in your life and living in complete solitude just in case you may end up needing to care for someone?

Um…..

I appreciate that you weren’t being snarky earlier so I apologise for saying you were. But otherwise, I’m a bit confused. I thought I’d written a friendly post acknowledging that we have completely different viewpoints on this, expressing respect for yours & saying I was glad having kids had worked out well for you.

I suspect it's more common among those of us who chose 'no'.

I never wanted children. But for a while I had a boyfriend who did want them - not then, but eventually. So I gave very serious thought to whether, if we stayed together, it would be the right thing to have the children he wanted. And my decision was based on whether we would be able to give a child the life I would want for them. We couldn't, so my answer remained no.

This conversation is really exhausting. For my sanity, I think I am going to check out.

My parting thought is that life is a gamble for all of us. It's relatively short, and we should do our best to make the most of it and find happiness regardless of our circumstances (a lot of which are entirely out of our control).

As I say, it wasn't risk that made me choose to be childfree.

I have spent some considerable time caring for my mother during her last illness and my husband after an accident at work.