Just a little wobble

[simb]

Generally I'm happy with my lot and accepting that children aren't in my future. I was always on the fence about having children throughout my 20s and 30s and more often than not felt relieved to be able to concentrate on myself and having lots of joyous experiences!

I'm child free by circumstance with an absolutely lovely partner who is so right for me. He doesn't want children (right from the get go) and I've accepted that. I really can see the benefit of my freedom and and I have a brilliant friendship group of both child free people and those who have children. In general I'm content with our decision. I live a rich full and happy life!

A couple of years ago I had a really big broody time which was very difficult for me and my partner but we came through it and I can say hand on heart that it is the right thing for us as a couple. I can also acknowledge the smaller part of me that perhaps would have liked to take the other path and love and care for a child/ children.

A good friend has just given birth and I'm just feeling so very very sad and wistful this evening. I literally feel pangs in my heart for the little family that never was and never will be.

I know that this will pass. Don't really know what I'm posting for! Just to type it out I think and acknowledge my little wobble and honour my feelings this evening.

Thanks for reading!

And peer pressure plays a big role,in fact peers have a bigger influence than parents in the teen years.

Your insistence on this makes no allowance for the millions of families the world over where only one child of all the siblings is a rapist/bully/"layabout" but all children had the same parents and upbringing.

The 'clubbing every night' comment is hilarious.

Most people with or without children stop clubbing at some time in their 20s or 30s. New doors open up as you say...whether that's attending soft play or the opera depends on the choices you've made.

"you have no idea about any experiences with children, as you've chosen not to have them."

Most child free people have colleagues, family and friends with children and see up close and have a very clear view of what it means for the parents.

When did you last ask your husband about having children? I know 2 sets of couples who were adamant they didn’t want children but changed their minds and had them in early 40’s.

I do agree that there’s only one way to find out for sure. But even if I wasn’t single & in peri. I wouldn’t be up for taking it.

I've never understood the 'its only 18 years' argument in favour of becoming a parent. All the parents of adults that I know are still involved in their child's life in some kind of supportive / nurturing / hands on way. Ok, you're not changing nappies or supervising homework after 20 years but it's still a lifelong commitment to be heavily invested in taking care of another person, to one degree or another. That's not going to be everyone's cup of tea

Having the same parents doesn’t mean they treat children the same. Things might have changed in the parents.. a traumatic event or changes in their availability, including emotional availability, for their child. Parents will say they brought up their children the same but possibly isn’t necessarily true. I have a sibling who is a lot younger and was born following a traumatic event and so did have the same upbringing I did. But no doubt my parents would say they brought us all up the same

Only someone child free would think having an outside view of life with children is sufficient to know what life is like with children. Unless you have children you have no idea, positive or negative, what life is like with children. You absolutely cannot know what it is like by having a superficial view of things from relatives or friends

@gentlemum - the tone of your posts is getting quite aggressive and dismissive of childfree and childless women. This is why, when we campaigned for this board, we didn’t want threads here to appear in Active Discussions. The discourse often ends up descending into unpleasantness, and in almost all cases, it comes from women with children telling us we aren’t womaning properly. Please don’t be one of them.

I have enough friends with children who tell me about all the stress and grief they have had over the years and are, in many cases, still getting from grandchildre/great grandchildren to know what life is like with children. Ok not always but often enough. I will stick with my calm life and happy marriage thank you

I'd assume most childfree people don't want to know what life is like with children because then they'd have children.

I’m sorry I’ve unintentionally come across that way. That’s fair enough about not wanting this thread available to everyone, I didn’t know about that.
I am not in any way saying anyone is less of a woman for not having children. Of course if you do not want children then you should not have children! It wouldn’t make sense in any way otherwise. I’m not being dismissive at all of people who are child free. But it is inaccurate for someone to say they know exactly what life with children is like because they see someone else with kids. If someone said they know exactly what it is like caring for an ill relative full time because they knew of someone else in that position, people would have something to say about it. You don’t know what someone else’s reality is like when you don’t live it.
And my views about poor parenting leading to children turning out as criminals or addicts etc. says nothing towards people who choose to be child free as they do not have children so haven’t been a poor parent so that doesn’t really affect them..
I will bow out as I can appreciate the discussion has now gone far away from the original post and I didn’t realise it wasn’t meant to be an open discussion forum.

I think you underestimate people's powers of observation or their closeness to family and friends.

You're right you can't know first hand, but that doesn't mean you only have a superficial view.

"But it is inaccurate for someone to say they know exactly what life with children is like because they see someone else with kids."

Nobody said they know exactly what life with children is like. People have said it is possible to have a clear view. Not know exactly.

And however accurate or inaccurate the statement is, not wanting children is all the reason we need not to have them.

What if I attend the opera with my children?
They both hated soft play.

I'd rather get to 60 and regret not having kids than get to 60 and regret having them. If I regret not having them, I'm the only person hurt. If I regret having them, they're hurt too.

Exactly. And the peace I treasure.

I find it really surprising how unimaginative some people are. I assume the same folk also said "nobody tells you how HARD IT IS" when their kids were born even though everyone tells you and the effects of sleep deprivation, financial hardship, restricted work opportunities and social contact are not exactly niche esoteric wisdom.

If you REALLY want children and having children does indeed turn out to be as you anticipated then that's all worth it in the inexplicable calculus of life. Absolutely, no one is saying it's not a brilliant thing for the people for whom it is brilliant.

But you can definitely, absolutely tell that it wouldn't be right for you without doing the insane step of trying anyway in spite of your judgement to the contrary.

'I find it really surprising how unimaginative some people are'

Its so true. Reminds me of someone I knew years ago - when I told her one day that I didn't want kids, she looked horrified and said 'but how do you know until you have one?!' 🤦🏻‍♂️😁

When I said ‘I can only think of very few experiences that would be enhanced for me by having children in them.’ I didn’t mean that I don’t ever like seeing kids. Of course not.

I’m going with my friend & her two small children to their local urban farm next month & I’m looking forward to it & seeing them enjoy the animals. But I’ll also enjoy going home by myself afterwards.

I've been asked more than once what my husband and I do/will talk about it if we don't have children. Some people just can't see beyond their own experiences, self, lives etc.

And yet some couples have nothing to talk about apart from their children.

And then their grandchildren?