Just a little wobble

[simb]

Generally I'm happy with my lot and accepting that children aren't in my future. I was always on the fence about having children throughout my 20s and 30s and more often than not felt relieved to be able to concentrate on myself and having lots of joyous experiences!

I'm child free by circumstance with an absolutely lovely partner who is so right for me. He doesn't want children (right from the get go) and I've accepted that. I really can see the benefit of my freedom and and I have a brilliant friendship group of both child free people and those who have children. In general I'm content with our decision. I live a rich full and happy life!

A couple of years ago I had a really big broody time which was very difficult for me and my partner but we came through it and I can say hand on heart that it is the right thing for us as a couple. I can also acknowledge the smaller part of me that perhaps would have liked to take the other path and love and care for a child/ children.

A good friend has just given birth and I'm just feeling so very very sad and wistful this evening. I literally feel pangs in my heart for the little family that never was and never will be.

I know that this will pass. Don't really know what I'm posting for! Just to type it out I think and acknowledge my little wobble and honour my feelings this evening.

Thanks for reading!

It wasn't meant to be snarky at all! It was the only thing I could think of that I couldn't do with my kids! I wasn't being reductive either, and I'm not trying to be adversarial: might it just be possible that my experience has been one of expanded freedom of opportunities, intellectualism, social exploration?
I just don't recognise any constraint of mental, physical or emotional state caused by my children. I have experienced all of these things in other relationships; dealing with parents, partner, relatives, and at times in my career, but have only experienced an expanded and enhanced life from my children.
Today i have been discussing psychological theory in relation to ICE with my older daughter, and the nuance of old English meaning with the younger. I would prefer to go to the theatre with her than anyone else. Yesterday i booked an adventure holiday that i wouldn't have imagined without them.

No.

There are all sorts of freedoms and I don’t think you are being open to understanding everything possible here. There are freedoms relating to risk taking, like deciding to up sticks and move abroad for a short contract, knowing it might or might not work out - but you don’t have to worry about the impact on children’s education, wellbeing, or the logistics of it all, or what happens if things go pear shaped when you come back and your income is reduced or your housing situation is difficult. Or taking up skydiving or base jumping, without thinking ‘I can’t risk leaving my children without a parent’. Of course you can do lots of activities with children in tow - but that’s not the same thing. I presume you can’t even decide that there’s an amazing experience available to you in another country during term time that you absolutely can’t miss out on.

The responsibility of having children rightly comes with restrictions on what parents can or should do in life, if they’re doing it properly. Adults taking decisions which only impact on themselves is fine, but for a parent, their focus should always be the security and stability of their children’s lives. This will inevitably curtail some freedoms, but if you want to have children because you feel you can offer them a good, stable, secure upbringing and help them grow to secure, stable adults, the surely that’s part of what you are signing up for?

Absolutely.

There are ways of interjecting without sounding so ghastly and smug

It sounded like you subscribe to the stereotype that people who choose not to have children remain perpetual adolescents and never really grow up. But fair enough if you didn’t mean it like that.

You say

I just don't recognise any constraint of mental, physical or emotional state caused by my children.

Do you not worry about your children at all? You are a very unusual parent if so.

I'm happy your children enhance your life so much Knittedanimal.
It has obviously worked out well for you.

Of course i worry about them.
Do you not have any worries in your life?

See above.

I wonder if you are your children's father @Knittedanimal?

I can only speak from my own experience.
I haven't faced any of these dilemmas.
I know people who have relocated their children due to life opportunities and things have worked out excellently. Friends have travelled the world with their kids, taken on new careers, done extreme sports.
I am trying to be open to understanding but I can only respond from my experience.
Sure, there will be parents who put themselves ahead of their children's needs -i know a couple- but what I'm saying is, that from my petspective, and from observing my many incredible friends who hsve had fulfilling and free lives, their kids haven't impeded them. The only instance I can think of is when we had tickets booked to see a band for a month after my DDs due date, and she was 2 weeks late so I couldn't go.
I went the next time they toured. I didn't feel like my freedom had been massively impinged.
Some people on this thread who don't have children seem to think it's akin to a death sentence. I am trying to paint a different picture for the OP incase her wobble amounts to something more: in my experience my DDs have given me the best life i could have imagined, and my parents too.

What does this mean? My husband hates the theatre! And travelling!

😉

Nope, you’re still not getting it. Never mind. Your experience is not universal.

What if those friends who’d relocated for their work found it didn’t work out excellently for their children? One ended up with poor exam results which curtailed their life chances? Or mental health problems and had issues with friendships being uprooted? Would these not be worries and considerations in making the decision to do it in the first place? These things happen, even if not to you or your friends.

It’s as though the people without children on this thread take the responsibility of raising children more seriously than those who are parents.

So what exactly do you mean by

I just don't recognise any constraint of mental, physical or emotional state caused by my children.?

From what I’ve seen on Mumsnet,worrying about your children is in a different league to anything else whatsoever. I started off wanting children, but it didn’t happen due to infertility issues. I now see that freedom from that worry as a blessing.

I don't imagine anyone without children ever has any issues to overcome either 🙄
I think you are being deliberately obtuse to the idea that having children doesn't necessarily ruin your life.
And how many times have i said 'in my experience'?!
Obviously i acknowledge things don't always work out as well as they have for me (see above too) but this can also happen to people who are untethered by the eternal malaise that is parenthood 😉

I mean i am concerned about them, i think about them alot, i spend alot of my time and resources on them but i don't see any of this as problematic. They challenge me, we sometimes row, they have been frustrating at times. A lot less than other people in my life.
I would rather pour all of this into two forming humans than into a skydiving hobby, for example.

I am sorry you experienced infertility. I'm not for any moment casting aspersions in the direction of people who have wanted children.

Nope, I’m not saying either state is better - I wouldn’t presume to do that (though a lot of you parents visiting this board are quite fond of doing so). Different choices are right for different people. I’m just talking about the things we considered when deciding whether or not to become parents (which we might have done with extensive assistance). I’m interested in how little some of them figure in the decision making process of people who do decide to go ahead.

Incidentally, I am now happily childfree, but was initially childless not by choice, so your smirky winky face about the malaise of parenthood doesn’t hit quite right with me.

@Knittedanimal It is only you who is describing motherhood as a malaise.
The posters without children on here have consistently said they see the joys and are glad it works out well for parents, including yourself.

"I would rather pour all of this into two forming humans"

A telling statement.

Or people who have never wanted children?

No, plenty have said they're glad they've dodged a life of thwarted dreams, or a prison sentence.

Oh yes, of course.. i am moulding them into my very own minions of course mwahhahaha!
I think you're clutching at straws.

Hi @simb . What an insightful lady you are.

I have kids so I'm not really your target audience, but I guess I just wanted to reflect that I think wobbles happen in every direction. I have never for one second regretted my decision to have my children, and it sounds like you don't actually regret deciding not to - but I do have Wobbles(TM) about the impact of the second on the first, the impact of both on my mental health and physical wellbeing, who would I be if I had the chance to be just me and not their mum. And so on. I was always very aware that whatever decision I made would be one where both outcomes would have their different benefits and also their different sad bits (we did IVF for both so had a long time to contemplate potential outcomes in every direction). We are absolutely categorically done with kids now (I nearly died and we'll be paying off the debt for no.2 until 2027) and I still cried buckets when a friend had her third last month. I think to question and consider and reflect is deeply human x