Just a little wobble

[simb]

Generally I'm happy with my lot and accepting that children aren't in my future. I was always on the fence about having children throughout my 20s and 30s and more often than not felt relieved to be able to concentrate on myself and having lots of joyous experiences!

I'm child free by circumstance with an absolutely lovely partner who is so right for me. He doesn't want children (right from the get go) and I've accepted that. I really can see the benefit of my freedom and and I have a brilliant friendship group of both child free people and those who have children. In general I'm content with our decision. I live a rich full and happy life!

A couple of years ago I had a really big broody time which was very difficult for me and my partner but we came through it and I can say hand on heart that it is the right thing for us as a couple. I can also acknowledge the smaller part of me that perhaps would have liked to take the other path and love and care for a child/ children.

A good friend has just given birth and I'm just feeling so very very sad and wistful this evening. I literally feel pangs in my heart for the little family that never was and never will be.

I know that this will pass. Don't really know what I'm posting for! Just to type it out I think and acknowledge my little wobble and honour my feelings this evening.

Thanks for reading!

Being insular isn’t a crime, though, so don’t feel you have to overcompensate! Everyone is free to live exactly how they please as long as they aren’t hurting anyone else. Anybody passing judgement on someone else’s life is betraying the fact they aren’t really happy with their own, and they need to look at why that is.

OP also, if you don't already have some, I think I would focus on making some friends who also don't have children. A poster above talks about how will you feel when your friends have grandchildren - well the key there is to have plenty who don't! I think it is good to have people who are taking the same kind of path through life. Obviously I am not saying to lose contact with your friends who do have children, but maybe just try to expand your network a bit.

I’m not insular though, just introverted - I love socialising, but I can only relax & recharge when it’s just me & the cat.

The point is that people who have always looked outside their homes for company can often, though obviously not always, be better equipped to cope on their own than people who suddenly find themselves alone.

It’s hormones, i have two and got really broody a year ago. Thank fuck I didn’t act on it as I have my hands full with my two (both disabled.)

Your allowed to feel whatever you feel, long as it was your choice not just his. My SIL is childfree due to my brothers choice, and she got really upset about it a few years back but she’s happy now she didn’t act on it.

I am really shocked by your suggestion to 'leave your partner if you can.' A partner (someone you love and have built a life with - unless there is something seriously wrong in the relationship) isn't just an accessory to be disposed of in persuit of another goal! You talk in your post of the maturity and wisdom you have, but I think this statement suggests otherwise.

I keep coming back to this. It's been making me laugh all morning.

I realise that I've been wandering contentedly through through life without asking myself so many important questions. What would I be missing out on if I were in prison? What would I be missing out on if I lived under Taliban rule? What would I be missing out on if I joined a cloistered order of nuns?

No it really wasn't snarky. This is the question I would be asking myself if i were the OP.
If she thinks she would miss her life as it currently is more than the joy and meaning children bring then that is as valid a choice to make as the one i did.

You’ve had several very reasonable replies to your post, mine included. And I think @ProfessorBinturong’s comment is funny.

OP I think it's quite normal to have a wobble when you choose a particular path. You will occasionally wonder what if I had chosen the other path?

I also think that hormones play a big part.

I was never particularly for or against having children and had no great desire to do so. Most of my friends and my siblings had them and I didnt feel the urge particularly.

It was DP who was more keen than I was. We had DD later in life. I am now a lone parent (DP died) to a disabled DD who will never be fully independent. My life is not what I imagined it and I often feel "what if?". Not for having DD because, despite everything,I wouldn't be without her but I think it is only human nature when things aren't as you imagined they might be.

You have a loving DP and it sounds as if you have a good life and circle of friends. I sometimes feel a bit wistful when friends have grandchildren and I know I never will but that quickly passes.

It's only natural to feel as you are and sometimes by saying it out loud (even on a forum like MN) it can also make.you think about what you do have rather than what you don't.

Thank you for sharing this perspective. I am very sorry to hear that your DP died and that your daughter will not be independent.

I think some of the posters earlier in this thread don't appreciate that life, including having children, is a gamble. For them it has gone well, but for some it can bring immense challenges.

Wishing you and your daughter well.

I was also shocked by that suggestion. Her relationship with her partner can’t be up to much if she could so cavalierly suggest to the OP to leave hers.

Completely agree. It would be utter MADNESS to ditch a healthy relationship in pursuit of a baby that you're not even sure you want

I don't think you should ditch your partner
I think everyone- child free or not- should try to build more connections in the community.

If you want them, that is. Some people are happy on their own.

This is a good question. Here's my stab at a first draft given my experience as a childfree by choice woman in her sixties.

Time
Time alone
Time alone with partner/pet/friends/wider family
Energy
Freedom
Unencumbered opportunity
The freedom to never have to be in contact your partner again if it doesn't work out
If it does work out, then the joy of it being just the two of you able to do exactly as you please, when you please and focus on each other
Time to volunteer/campaign/contribute
Unlimited travel with no ties
A clear run at a career
Freedom to never have to sit on the floor in a public library singing songs about buses on a weekday morning
Money
The opportunity to earn less money as and when I'm able and it suits me
Early retirement
A peaceful home
A lighter/minimal mental load
Retirement without ongoing childcare responsibility
The incredible freedom, energy and opportunity I had in my 20s and 30s. Life was an open door there for the taking - Ibiza, qualifications, New York, a home I loved, studying, travel with lovers, travel with friends, travel alone, my own bed at night knowing the next day I could get on any plane or train and be in Berlin or Paris for dinner.
The rewards of having invested in my career, relationships and myself in my 40s and 50s
The exhilarating freedom and opportunity of retiring in my late 50s, unencumbered, another new open book and free as a bird.
The pure joy of all the above.

Such a great list @ChurchWindows . Time and freedom are so incredibly precious

If you are still young enough to have children then I would go ahead and do that whatever it takes. If not, you need to allow yourself to grieve your loss. Every choice we make in life rules out other choices, and it's ok to grieve the path you didn't take. With such a big one as this, I would say it is particularly important to do so.

What would you define as 'whatever it takes'? Would that include options or scenarios that aren't in a child's best interest? I.e should the OP be making herself number one here ahead of her partner and potential future child?

Just genuinely interested to hear your take on this.

Also it assumes that she would be able to find another partner who was willing and able to have children and to develop that relationship to a point where it was strong and secure enough to bring a child into.

I suppose there is having a baby on your own by sperm donor, but that's a whole other maze of practical and moral considerations.

And if the OP then realised that it really had just been a wobble, or found herself alone with a child who had SEN like a poster upthread, she’d be a bit stuck.

Children don’t always bring joy. Plenty of evidence of that in Mumsnet.

She should do "whatever it takes' to have something she's not even sure she wants?

I was like you, always on the fence and quite happy with my life. But then at 41 I did have a child. What might give you peace is thinking how there is no right and wrong answer. People with children often will say that they never knew happiness and love like they did after having their children, and that can easily make childfree people wobble. I’m not saying that this isn’t true for them, but it’s not like this for everyone. While I love my son and I’m happy with my path, I think I would have been equally as happy on a childfree path. I’d miss many wonderful moments with my son, but right now I’m missing wonderful things childfree people do. If you don’t have a massive urge to be a mum, then possibly either path will work out for you just fine.

This is a valid point and I have been incredibly lucky.

This sounds like a good life.
But the two states aren't mutually exclusive in my experience.
My point was that having children doesn't necessarily mean you miss out on anything. But i will qualify that with recognition that my children don't have additional needs and I am also lucky to have had the career of my dreams. Some things have been less easy and i would like to travel more, but this is due to my partner's reluctance rather than any impediment from my children.
I would argue that almost all experiences are enhanced by having children in them, again, in my own experience.