Just a little wobble

[simb]

Generally I'm happy with my lot and accepting that children aren't in my future. I was always on the fence about having children throughout my 20s and 30s and more often than not felt relieved to be able to concentrate on myself and having lots of joyous experiences!

I'm child free by circumstance with an absolutely lovely partner who is so right for me. He doesn't want children (right from the get go) and I've accepted that. I really can see the benefit of my freedom and and I have a brilliant friendship group of both child free people and those who have children. In general I'm content with our decision. I live a rich full and happy life!

A couple of years ago I had a really big broody time which was very difficult for me and my partner but we came through it and I can say hand on heart that it is the right thing for us as a couple. I can also acknowledge the smaller part of me that perhaps would have liked to take the other path and love and care for a child/ children.

A good friend has just given birth and I'm just feeling so very very sad and wistful this evening. I literally feel pangs in my heart for the little family that never was and never will be.

I know that this will pass. Don't really know what I'm posting for! Just to type it out I think and acknowledge my little wobble and honour my feelings this evening.

Thanks for reading!

I am glad it worked out for you of course. But I also think dwelling on what might have been rather than getting on with the life I do have, which has a lot of pluses, is a bit pointless. I think I might have found motherhood very difficult. Not that I can ever know for sure, but I’m an introvert and I need my own space.

The thing is, for them (and me) that's how we feel about it. This is the internet so I don't go around saying "hey your life would actually feel like a prison sentence to me" to my lovely parent friends who love their kids. Also I don't think they do feel like me, or they wouldn't have had their kids! They feel like it's what they were meant to do, that it's a missing piece, best thing they ever did. I'm really happy for us all taking our paths. We don't have to agree.

You could have said raising, nurturing, loving but you didn't.

I've deliberately tried to write discompassionately acknowledging I'd be lampooned for being too emotional.
But yes, sure, assume i don't love my children.
Ffs.

Nobody at any stage has suggested you are being too emotional.

Exactly. I couldn’t stand living with anyone except my cat, regardless of age or relationship to me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know it’s completely the opposite for most people.

And it’s brilliant that you’re having such a wonderful life with your kids, just like I’m very pleased for all the very happy parents I know. That doesn’t stop me recognising that I wouldn’t want their lives, just like they wouldn’t want mine.

That’s reasonable, isn’t it?

That is correct. As i have said, i have tried to put points forward without emotion. I have been responding to thd notion that children curtail people's freedom, as I don't believe it is true. This is aside from the ferocious love I have for my children which I don't think a child free person will ever be able to empathise with. I have sympathy for those who wanted children and couldn't, i respect those who just didn't want them, but I qualify this by suggesting your autonomy/freedom and opportunities aren't necessarily lost by having children. This is what i thought the OP should explore in her wobble.
I think it's below the belt for you to have said what you did and you sound like a nasty piece of work.

You have a very narrow view on the world.

You know nothing at all.
Good luck with your freedom.

Thank you. I do feel lucky.

…and here we are again, with nastiness brought onto the MNers without Children board by parents.

It's almost always happens. Like they just can't help themselves.

But your mate Churchy was just delightful of course.
Bitter and twisted comes to mind, don't worry, I'm off.

It's not that having children takes away your freedom. It's that having children takes away your freedom if you don't want them. It's like you having a horse or a house to renovate or having to become an accountant but you don't want that for your life. It's going to stop you realising your dreams, living where you want to, doing what you want to do when you want to do it, spending your money on what you want to, doing the hobbies you want to do and all the time what is stopping you is something you didn't want anyway.

I hope that posters will read this whole thread and make their own decisions about who is 'bitter and twisted' and 'a nasty piece of work'.

🤣🤣
Even my happiest parent friends can recognise it curtails your freedom immensely

I would rather pour all of this into two forming humans than into a skydiving hobby, for example.

That's fine, you do you. Those of us who would rather skydive and have chosen not to have children are also behaving perfectly reasonably.

Save your ire for the people who would rather skydive, yet had children anyway. There are plenty of them, usually men, who don't do anything like enough for their kids and instead spend hours on hobbies that they should have paused once kids came along.

Every child deserves to be raised by engaged parents who do not resent the child's existence and regard parenthood as their most important task. That, of necessity, means that some people should not have children, because they are unwilling to give, or incapable of giving, that commitment.

My cat curtails my freedom a bit, obviously not in the same way children would but I can’t go away for the weekend on impulse any more. But that’s fine because I adore her & she’s worth it.

I would never have a pet because it wouldn't suit my lifestyle, or my personality to be a pet owner but to you it's worth it to have a pet, because we are all different. I'm glad you have a pet you love and I'm glad an animal has a good and loving home. That's how easy it is to be respectful of people's choices and happy for them that they have what they want even if it differs from what you want. It's a shame not everyone can do that.

Thank you, @Betterorbutter. And I’m glad you’re living the right life for you.

Absolutely. There are people for whom parenting is a calling and the sacrifices, responsibility and hard work worth it. Their lives would be incomplete without their children. They have, for want of a better term, the parenting gene. But there are also those who don’t find parenting rewarding, or only in brief bursts, and the rest of the time it’s a hard hard slog. If they had their time again they would not have children. It can only be a good thing if people realise they are not cut out for parenting before they have children!

... Yes that's the point. If you don't mind the ties they aren't a problem. But you presumably wouldn't suggest that someone who has to and wants to travel regularly and unpredictably for work or leisure gets a cat.

Exactly. I wouldn’t.

There is also the undeniable fact that having children changes the dynamic of your relationship, and not always in a good way. Especially if you’ve had children with someone who doesn’t pull their weight.