Just a little wobble

[simb]

Generally I'm happy with my lot and accepting that children aren't in my future. I was always on the fence about having children throughout my 20s and 30s and more often than not felt relieved to be able to concentrate on myself and having lots of joyous experiences!

I'm child free by circumstance with an absolutely lovely partner who is so right for me. He doesn't want children (right from the get go) and I've accepted that. I really can see the benefit of my freedom and and I have a brilliant friendship group of both child free people and those who have children. In general I'm content with our decision. I live a rich full and happy life!

A couple of years ago I had a really big broody time which was very difficult for me and my partner but we came through it and I can say hand on heart that it is the right thing for us as a couple. I can also acknowledge the smaller part of me that perhaps would have liked to take the other path and love and care for a child/ children.

A good friend has just given birth and I'm just feeling so very very sad and wistful this evening. I literally feel pangs in my heart for the little family that never was and never will be.

I know that this will pass. Don't really know what I'm posting for! Just to type it out I think and acknowledge my little wobble and honour my feelings this evening.

Thanks for reading!

I think it’s really important that you’re acknowledging that this is your own experience, & I’m glad it’s worked out so well for you - it must seem very strange to you that some of us feel the opposite, & that I can only think of very few experiences that would be enhanced for me by having children in them.

People say ‘it’s different when they’re your own’ & ‘you never regret having kids’ but there’s only one way to find out if that’s true & it’s a risk I never wanted to take.

This conversation is all very much focused on how children can enhance their parents lives. Nobody is really discussing it from the child's perspective. How will their life turn out? Is it in their best interest to be born?

Example: I would quite like to have a child. I do think it would most likely enhance my life. But I don't plan to do it. I would be an older parent now. I am an only child, and so is my partner. I would likely only have time to have one child. So that's a child with very little family, and nobody else of their generation. I have looked into the future (as much as possible) and concluded that that isn't a great set of circumstances to be brought into. Therefore I have put the child first and decided not to have them. It makes me profoundly sad, but I think that's what being a (prospective in my case) parent should be all about - prioritising what's best for the child. It isn't about what the child can do for you, it's about the life you can give them.

Some people might think it’s madness to stay with someone whose major life goals like not having children you slowly realise conflict with your own. Conflicting goals around children is a very sad but good reason to break up with someone. You only have one life and it just depends on what you want the most.

OP, you say I can say hand on heart that it is the right thing for us as a couple

It is very very telling that you didn’t say it is the right thing for me.

I think you need someone you can discuss all your feelings around this with in depth. I would honestly pay for a few sessions with a therapist, just to explore all the what ifs with someone who will get you to talk through all your feelings about it.

If you really do want a child and your partner doesn’t, could it be you’ve convinced yourself that what he wants is what you want, and this is a little hint from your subconscious that it might not be quite true?

I am an only child, and so is my partner. I would likely only have time to have one child. So that's a child with very little family, and nobody else of their generation. I have looked into the future (as much as possible) and concluded that that isn't a great set of circumstances to be brought into.
Therefore I have put the child first and decided not to have them. It makes me profoundly sad

@Strawberriesandpearsis it really that unhappy as an only child not to have siblings or cousins?

I think so, yes. Perhaps not as a child, but as an adult that lack of family network could be quite keenly felt.

It sounds as though your life is perfect for you @Knittedanimal and I'm glad it has worked out as you had hoped.

I would say that I have a wide circle of friends, some with children (and now grandchildren) and some without (through choice and not). None of the people with children/grandchildren have the freedoms that those without have. Obviously they have other joys and I get that, but the freedom to up sticks, move country, move job, change career, spend money and time entirely as they please, travel any week of the year on a whim? No.

I would argue that if you choose to have children they almost certainly do enhance your experiences, but they to some extent dictate what those experiences are, at least for a period.

Yeah, name changed or not the advice is poor.

Really think about what you want OP, it’s ok to change your mind. But it’s ok not to.

I like kids, I’m a teacher, I’ve chosen to work with them day in day out. But the world and life is horrible, and I don’t want to inflict that on a poor defenceless child. Sometimes I think “oh wouldn’t it be nice.” I’m early 40s so there’s still a slight chance to try but I think “I’d be 60 and putting a child through uni/early adult hood.”

I am 70 and childfree. Lots of my friends have children, grandchildren and even greatgrandchildren. Quite a few of them do not enjoy their grandchildren and greatgrandchildren.

I see them being expected to look after the children. Being asked for money by the older grandchildren. Getting lots of hassle and stress from their children, grandchildren and greatgrandchildren.

It only enforces that me and DH were right to choose not to have children

Indeed.

I could have done many of the things I've done despite children - but it would have been to their detriment to move house regardless of catchment areas or move countries regardless of how they'd cope with switching education system mid year. I could have hauled them out of school to take trains across Russia and live on remote Pacific islands for a few months, or potentially found a responsible adult to feed them and make sure they didn't burn the house down while I was away. I could have ditched jobs without another to go to, and changed career on a whim, but it wouldn't have been terribly responsible with dependents. Pulling a spontaneous all-nighter to get a late-breaking story to press might have been possible given an obliging partner, but it would certainly have been frowned on by social services if I needed to do it while he was away at a conference.

So perhaps I could. But I wouldn't have wanted to.

And I certainly couldn't have done all that and saved for their education and futures, and still have been mortgage free at 40 and retired at 50.

Thank you so much for this reply - I think this is exactly where I'm at and it's reassuring to hear from someone who's gone through the wobbles - I don't think the wobble means I've made the wrong decision. Just that sometimes it feels very final but then I really love, appreciate and value the life I'm living too!

Thank you for your message! I can very clearly and honestly say that I would not choose to have a child alone. I'd certainly be able to do it if it happened but no, I wouldn't go it alone on purpose. It's really useful to keep visiting this thought experiment though.

Freedom. Having kids means you'll never be free again. (Some people experience that freedom as loneliness or emptiness so can't understand this)

Great question!

Thank you for your message - I appreciate all perspectives and yes I've explored this with a therapist. I'm definitely not making the wrong choice to stay with my wonderful loving partner and I'm not a clear "yes I definitely want a child at all costs"... it's far more nuanced and I don't think that the wobble is necessarily that I've made the wrong choice. It's useful to explore these thoughts though!

Re the question of how I'd feel if I found out I was pregnant, I think I would feel very mixed. I'd lose a lot of aspects of child free life that I very much value. I would keep the child and my partner knows this and would support us without question.

Regarding social aspects - the friends I spend the most time with are the friends who are child free. We do a lot together and the friendships are deep. I also have strong close friendships with people who have children but they are past the baby stage so I would not have a ready made peer group and this would feel challenging I think.

I value my freedom very much.

I'm so very very grateful for every response and I promise I'm reading and processing each one including the more challenging ones. I'm feeling much better already and really value all perspectives but especially those who are sharing positive aspects of child free life - when I read these I remember that a lot of them align with how I feel and that helps put the wobble into perspective.

I think both can be true - that I am happy with the decision not to have a child and also to occasionally feel sad about that.

I will not contemplate leaving my most loved and trusted partner - I cannot fathom leaving someone who brings such joy and love into my life!

Glad you've found responses helpful OP! It really does help when you spend time doing those 'what ifs'. I like to gratitude journal when I am feeling a bit uncertain or down, list things that make your life right now easier, make you happy.

For me I have a pretty intense job but it does fulfil me to lead my teams, advocate for them and mentor people, I love that. I'm also grateful that I live in a city centre, in a nice flat which while lovely would be a bit cramped with a kid. I have lots of great running routes and a lovely local community. Been thinking I'll volunteer for the Canal and River Trust this year as being by the canal helps my mental health a ton.

I am also writing a video game with DH and making this game together has been so much fun! I'm very proud of DH and of myself because I think what we have so far is really cool. A lot of our weekday spare time is spent working on that, which wouldn't be possible if we had kids. I'm also nagging him to come to the gym with me and in the last few years have discovered that actually I love weightlifting! I feel strong and capable in a way I haven't before, and I need at least a day or two a week so I can work on my goals. One day I'll deadlift DH 😁

Just writing all that out I feel quite grateful this morning haha. Anyway OP, it sounds like you know your mind and have a great partner to support when the wobbles happen. Wishing you well ❤️

@gudetamathelazyegg another response the really resonates.... sounds like a brilliantly fun life and yes I think the exercise of noting each of the things that brings joy is a great way to remember that the grass is not always greener. Thank you for sharing and I'm going to make a point of doing this over the next few days to remind myself why I made this decision to stay child free.

There are so many aspects of my life that I love that would really change if I had a child. I wonder if I'm missing something 'giving' (I'm noting your plans to volunteer) and this is something for me to mull over

OP you sound lovely, kind and thoughtful. I am glad the discussion has helped, and I wish you all the very best.

I’m wondering how a choice can be right for you when you’re so very very sad essentially mourning the children you aren’t going to have. It sounds to me like deep down, and with this post, you do actually want children. Have you thought about whether if your partner said they wanted kids you would still be saying you don’t want to? I think very very few people who have children would regret having them, but many more who don’t have children regret not having them.

The OP doesn't sound all that sad to me. Hard to say, of course, but more a bit wobbly.
And as I said, I have children.
Volunteering might be a good shout.

I was literally quoting what she said… she feels ‘very very sad’….

Plenty of people regret having children, it's just not done to speak about it.

But her subsequent posts suggest differently.

What she said was

A good friend has just given birth and I'm just feeling so very very sad and wistful this evening. I literally feel pangs in my heart for the little family that never was and never will be.

It’s quite common for childfree people to feel like this when someone close to them gives birth. But they are literally only seeing the cute little baby and not the fractious toddler or surly teenager. And they soon realise it’s just a wobble as indeed the OP has, and it doesn’t mean they actually want a baby.

Agree. We are socialised to react to having a child as happy, fulfilment, the off into the sunset moment. And this is an influence that can affect us regardless of what is right for us as individuals. A sort of sentimentality for a hypothetical ideal.

I'm now of an age when a fair few of my friends are splitting up and the kids they had are presenting a huge obstacle to moving on and living well. Which is obviously a price worth paying if you really wanted those children but...