Just a little wobble

[simb]

Generally I'm happy with my lot and accepting that children aren't in my future. I was always on the fence about having children throughout my 20s and 30s and more often than not felt relieved to be able to concentrate on myself and having lots of joyous experiences!

I'm child free by circumstance with an absolutely lovely partner who is so right for me. He doesn't want children (right from the get go) and I've accepted that. I really can see the benefit of my freedom and and I have a brilliant friendship group of both child free people and those who have children. In general I'm content with our decision. I live a rich full and happy life!

A couple of years ago I had a really big broody time which was very difficult for me and my partner but we came through it and I can say hand on heart that it is the right thing for us as a couple. I can also acknowledge the smaller part of me that perhaps would have liked to take the other path and love and care for a child/ children.

A good friend has just given birth and I'm just feeling so very very sad and wistful this evening. I literally feel pangs in my heart for the little family that never was and never will be.

I know that this will pass. Don't really know what I'm posting for! Just to type it out I think and acknowledge my little wobble and honour my feelings this evening.

Thanks for reading!

Just weighing in to say that I'm an adult who, through emigration, distance, and lack of common interests, has no family network.

I see one of my siblings once a year at my mother's Christmas lunch and never speak outside of that because we have awkwardly differing world views, and the other has a larger age gap, lives overseas, and I have nothing in common with them, so we just never bother to speak outside of a 'happy birthday' message once a year. So while I didn't have the only child experience growing up, I essentially have it now. And I was never close to any of my many cousins, as we happened to live in another part of the country to them.

So my family is my mother, my children, my husband and his family, some of whom he's close to, and some not. While I do have a bit of occasional wistful envy for those who have very close, big families, I'm not really that bothered by not having one! I like the little family I've created.

(Although I can totally understand the enjoyment of being childfree, and I'm not trying to say you should've had kids!)

Do they really though? How do you know? Maybe regrets about changes to careers or holidays or child free life.. but a true regret about having the children? To the point they genuinely rather wish their children didn’t exist. I do find that really hard to believe.

I'm certain it happens, especially with children with disabilities, or who go down a bad path in life. Parents might see only endless stress and worry stretching on forever with no end, and their child suffering in some way with no way to fix it, and wish that they'd never had them.

Otherwise, I think love for your child probably papers over a lot of the more minor stresses and 'if onlys'. I mean, I sit there sometimes and think, 'gosh, if we hadn't had kids, we might've been able to do x', but it's more a 'what if' than a regret, because as you say, I love my kids and I wouldn't choose to not have them.

It is well known issue with figures ranging from 4% - 17% of ppl regretting becoming parents. It is for obvious reasons taboo to say it tho

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/3087833-Does-anybody-regret-becoming-a-parent

https://medcircle.com/articles/regretful-parents/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8294566/

https://www.facebook.com/share/19wM6uR8Le/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Yes they definitely, absolutely do. It's completely obtuse to pretend to believe otherwise. If you made a choice you are happy with maybe get down on your knees and give thanks to whatever power you believe in.

To be fair, many of the parents in those 'regretful parents' confessions kind of sound like sociopaths, depressed and catastrophising, or tantruming children themselves, given their complaints.
(Which obviously doesn't mean they should have had kids!)

I have a close friend who was in this situation, he had children from a previous relationship so they decided it was good for them, as a couple not to have children. They have now split up, after more than 15 years and she is childless and now locked out of her step children's lives too. She is full of regret at informing those couple of broody years and sublimating those feelings because of her relationship. Her life is wonderful, career wise and personally, she is very love but full of regret at not taking the leap. She's in her mid/late 40's and it is too late. I also have another woman in my life who didn't have a child because her partner didn't want to. They were together for her 20's and 30's... he cheated and was married and had a child within 18 months of the end of their very long term relationship. Fortunately she did meet someone lovely but only had enough time to have one, very much wanted child but again, regrets she didn't sort it all out younger and speak up.

Yes im not saying they're remotely representative but it does show that it is not unknown to regret children

I’ve seen parents on here saying that if they had their time again they wouldn’t have children,and heard it said in real life too.

There's a sub Reddit for regretful parents, I know because in a podcast I listened to about a man who killed his child, he posted on there often.

I also saw an Instagram post earlier this week where a woman posted that she regretted having her child, unfortunately not anonymously, the hashtags lead to a community.

There are also social media groups/forums, articles, books, research and counsellors who specialise in it. People not believing parents could regret their children and judging them to be evil of they do believe them is one of the most given reasons for people not coming forward and getting help to deal with it.

It’s the most life changing decision you’ll ever make, to have children. Why do you find it so hard to believe that people sometimes get it wrong?

Thank you for this perspective. I see what you mean, but it just feels like it would be cruel of me to put a child into this position deliberately.

I think I probably would have been better off having children, but it would have needed to be when I was younger and had time for more than one.

I think the thing with these kind of stories is that these women don't know how having children would have gone. It may have made their lives better, or it may have complicated then. See the example of the poster earlier in the thread. Her husband sadly died leaving her with a child with complex needs to look after on her own.

Nobody can say for definite that an alternative life path would have been better.

One piece of advice girls should be given during sex education classes is never have a child or an abortion for someone else and never give up the opportunity to have a child or an abortion for someone else.

Definitely lots of women (and men) regret having children. Surely you have seen posts on mumsnet where they say so? Also there are websites dedicated to people who regret having children.

Lots of my friends say if they could go back in time they would not have children. These are people with grown up children and even grandchildren/great granchildren.

I think the opposite is true. Many people who have children regret it and say if theey could go back in time they would not have any. Over the years I have been amazed at just how many people have said this to me.

Plenty of my friends say it whereas none of my childfree friends say they regret their choice.

Even if it were true surely it is better to regret not having a child than regret having one?

I wonder if there are any online communities for people who regret their choice not to have children?

Possibly but I have never seen or heard of any

@mydogisthebest “Even if it were true surely it is better to regret not having a child than regret having one?”

I completely agree with this. I would argue that the decision not to have children is, in the majority of cases, a much more thoroughly thought-out one than the decision to have children. The people who do have children start from it being the default position, so in my experience feel it’s expected. I do know many women of my generation who almost sleepwalked into having children, often with very unsuitable men, and have if not actually admitted regretting it, have been clear that they have often considered how their lives might have been otherwise. More often than not the women I know who have had children have done so because they wanted a baby. I was always clear that I felt bringing up a child successfully to adulthood, so they were equipped to thrive and be happy in the increasingly difficult and uncertain world we live in, was a huge and rather scary responsibility, and one I felt was more important in my decision than my right to create a baby.

Could not agree more.

Our decision not to have children was not an instant one. We discussed it at length.

Lots of my friends admit there was no discussion as having children "is what you do"! Also the main reason for many was just "I want a child". Not sure that is always the best reason

I truly didn’t realise so many people regretted having children, and I will be honest that does shock me. At least for mothers giving birth biologically changes you to love your child unconditionally. I do find it so hard to comprehend how you could not love your child enough as to prefer they had never existed.

I'm not having a go at you or anything but this is why some mums who have PND or PPD or regrets find it hard to come forward. Men walk out on their children every day and it's socially accepted but if a woman says she had PPD or regrets or walks out everyone is really shocked and unable to understand and judges her. Women get a hard time in this world.

I think it's this. The wobble WAS very very sad. I'm already feeling a great deal better just 24 hours later after a bit of a cry yesterday, some genuine thought (helped by this thread - I'm really glad I posted), and reflection on the ins and outs of the decision. Also lots of fun plans over the weekend helped!

I think it's ok to feel sad and it doesn't make the decision wrong.

Still very very grateful for all insights though and I think it's good to be challenged

You were right to reflect & I’m really glad you’re feeling better.

Thank you! I'm sure it won't be the last wobble. It's interesting it made me realise that the point of this thread wasn't to ask for help deciding whether I should have a child. I'm not going to be changing that decision. I think the posting was to help process the way healthily through the wobble!

So many wise words to read... I'm so grateful! Both lives can be good. Both can be regretful. You can't have both and there is no right or wrong.

I'm starting to think of The Wobble with capital letters 😆