So relieved I didn’t have children

[Settings11111111]

Do any other child free by choice women experience this sweeping relief from time to time? I’ve just got back from a holiday with several family children who are beautifully behaved and great company but whose parents were trapped in never ending arguments about who’d do what and who could have time to relax whilst the other minded the kids. It led to several tense atmospheres.

I know not all parents argue but I’ve got home with such an overriding sense of relief that I made the decision not to have kids.

That’s not what selfish means though. Selfish is caring only about what you want or need without any thought for the needs or wishes of other people

I am curious as to what people’s needs or wishes @RampantIvy believes her sister is disregarding?

She prioritises her own wants and needs over those of her non existent child’s. Or she should’ve had a child so she had less time to do what she wants. I’m sure there’s logic somewhere.

I can't answer that because I'm not sure what you mean @Settings11111111

Women who want and have children get what they want.
Women who decide that they don't want children and don't have them also get what they want.

Come back in 5yrs!

And how is taking a decision to have a baby or not considering the needs of other people?

It’s very much a decision that you have to take for yourself. Other people’s wants or needs shouldn’t come into it.

You said you think your sister is selfish. Selfish means doing what you want without any thought for the wants and needs of others. It does not mean doing what makes you happy without having any effect on anyone else.

So how is your sister selfish? Whose wants and needs is she disregarding in order to not have kids?

Well yes, exactly, they don’t come into it. Not having a child impacts absolutely no one else in any way whatsoever. No one’s needs or wants are being disregarded because it literally does not affect anyone else.

It is nonsense to say it is selfish. It cannot be. No one else cares.

I think you are confusing me with another poster. I haven't mentioned my sister.

Well, indeed!

You had a baby 2 months ago - that's practically yesterday. Everyone I know who has had a baby was pretty much out of their minds in the early months from exhaustion and overwhelm and the enormity of the whole situation. I don't think I would have taken advice from any of them about anything!

Some of these comments are wild! But typical a childfree board and post yet we have the usual comments abojt why its good to have children. This is supposed to be the one place we can just have where we don't have those sanctimonious comments about why its so great to have kids.

As for those comments earlier about taxes. In a fair society those childfree people would also get benefits ut they dont and this is why it comes up time and time again. Please do name one budget where a benefit has been announced that will help a childfree person out? As it is any perceived benefits are just that if im made homeless im at the bottom of the waiting list ...that isnt fair as those with kids are prioritised yet ive paid in just as much as they have. And whilst its right kids are prioritised in that situation its just a reminder that society isnt fair to those without kids...council tax discount being another example should be 50% off not 25%.

Dont forgot those of those childfree are very aware of our situation for old age needing to make sure we have finances to providing for care and pensions since we wont have anyone to rely on, especially if you are still single. No husband pension, no child to care for you in your own home.

But back to the original OP post, I too have that sense of relief after a day with my nephews the relentless questions of play with me, the fights, the constant having to teach them right behaviours. I am glad to go home at the end of the day and have a nice chilled peaceful evening.

Apologies, I’m mixing you up with @rickyrickygrimes .

She thinks I’m a mug, I think she’s selfish. It all goes unspoken and we work around it.
** If you look at it logically, you are both selfish. You have both got what you wanted. You both need to accept that.

I disagree with you entirely here though. Selfish doesn’t mean getting what you want. I had an egg sandwich for lunch because I wanted it. That’s not selfish.

I think we are getting too hung up on the definition of selfish. The point is that either way the decision is made in the self-interest of the person making it..whether that is to have a baby or remain childfree.

Therefore, it’s wrong to call the childfree selfish as either way it’s a decision people make for themselves.

This made me laugh - you have a new born. Come back when they are toddlers and you can’t go to the toilet on your own, you don’t get to eat a meal in peace and when they are older and all your time is taken with juggling school emails, after school activities, finding someone to look after them over the holidays - of course you can continue doing anything you like🤣

I have children. But now, with climate change, I actually think having children is the selfish choice. I wouldn't make the choice to have children today.

You've got a portable, carriable baby.

Try doing whatever you want when you've got a tweenager who refuses to cooperate, who you have to spend time servicing and forcing to do homework, cooking and cleaning for. See how flexible you are when you can't go out to be active and do the things you think you'll be able to do.

Kids take up ALL your time and energy. There is a reason that historically women have achieved less than men. Because for 18 hours a bloody day they have been slaves to their families.

I'm not suggesting we have it as hard now, but you have no idea of the burden you have facing you for the next 25 or so years yet. Bung the baby in a sling and you're off. You can't do that with a truculent 9 year old. And yes, I know you think you'll be a BETTER parent and won't end up with a stroppy, moody, difficult child. Just wait...

I don’t think pp landed that way, but that is my opinion and we all have different sensitivities. There are millions of internet forums for all of the topics you mention, genuinely interested to know why Mumsnet? I’m glad it’s universally used and inclusive, and we are at liberty to discuss what we want but I do wonder why people choose this app for these topics.

I'd love to hear stories of those who have had children and their honest reasons for doing so.

I know friends and family who had children for reasons such as they liked being pregnant, they wanted unconditional love, thought babies would solve relationship problems or thought its what you do after you get married etc. These are intelligent people.

I wonder why, out of all the separate boards on this site, mums can’t stay away from this one. There are loads of boards where they can harp on about their child being the meaning of life so I do wonder why they feel the need to share it here.

Please don’t peddle the gross ‘mothers are crazy’ narrative. Regardless of what an individual is saying or if it’s at odds with your opinion it’s just as harmful as the ‘women are crazy’ bullshit

Because anyone can access it and it’s interesting

People find it interesting telling women their choices are wrong? That they’ll never know love and will end up lonely and full of regret?

I don’t think anyone has said that “mothers are crazy”. But it is generally accepted, and repeated on Mumsnet all the time, that caring for a newborn is - unless you’re incredibly lucky with your baby - exhausting and overwhelming. And that the tiredness associated with it is like nothing else.

And because despite repeated pleas, MNHQ have refused to take the board out of Active.

@mazma, looking at your post history I'd be focusing more on ridding myself of my arsehole of a husband rather than telling other women they're going to die alone and not get into heaven.

Yes definitely, however you can be exhausted, emotional and overwhelmed and still be credible, interesting and able to give advice. Like I said previously we all have our sensitivities and this is a huge trigger of mine. Having worked in healthcare for the NHS there is a terrible bias towards new mothers (even worse if they are young). Concerns are dismissed, they aren’t taken seriously and they often have difficulty accessing what they need, it is so disappointing to see how this rhetoric is pushed (sometimes accidentally)