So relieved I didn’t have children

[Settings11111111]

Do any other child free by choice women experience this sweeping relief from time to time? I’ve just got back from a holiday with several family children who are beautifully behaved and great company but whose parents were trapped in never ending arguments about who’d do what and who could have time to relax whilst the other minded the kids. It led to several tense atmospheres.

I know not all parents argue but I’ve got home with such an overriding sense of relief that I made the decision not to have kids.

Of course. At the lighter end of this - I was listening to a little boy repeatedly ask his Mum “Why?” on the train this morning. I didn’t know half the answers and wouldn’t fancy winging it in front of loads of strangers, so felt relief 😂

Yes, it’s funny when nieces and nephews do it but I wouldn’t want to be asked constantly. I also get it at the end of a long day when parents talk about having to do their children’s dinner, homework and bath. Makes me feel exhausted just to think about.

All the time. I actually work with kids, but I would hate to take them home with me. I like a peaceful, calm, quiet house.

All the time, especially when I’m hearing the screaming whenever I go to a supermarket.

last time there was a thread like this parents rushed to tell us how awful we were 🤣

if having a quiet, and non screamy , snot free life makes me awful then I’ll carry on. Especially now my income is affected to fund this child benefit nonsense.

The feeling of relief really kicks in when you're older.... when all your friends are still fussing and clucking over their adult children, you find yourself to be so grateful that you can just get on with your own stress-free life.

Yeah, but you hate other people’s kids and can’t imagine ever wanting them. But it’s different. Non comprehensible

I get that sense of relief whenever I read a Mumsnet thread in which the OP says something like “AIBU to think my DH is a disgusting pig for thinking I will ever want to have sex with him again? Surely he should understand that it’s more important that we co-sleep with our children every night, who are 5 and 3 and who I intend to breastfeed until they start secondary school?”

I decided to be single and child free aged 11. The claustrophobic nature of working class family life with five of us crammed into a tiny terraced house made me realise that bearing children was not going to serve my interest in any appreciable way.

One of the main reasons women like me decide to be child free is because they realise how bloody hard it is for little (if any) reward. In the past there was one wage earner and the woman was SAH wife. Now running the home takes 2 incomes. Yet the woman all too often does the bulk of the childcare, housework, life admin and mental load while holding down a full time job. And when challenged that they are not working as a team men turn into grimpy children and consider they have done their share in employed work.

As a childfree professional woman I have paid dearly for my freedom by the thousands of pounds in taxes I have contrinuted towards facilities I do not want and cannot use. Not speaking of the facilities like roads, transport, hospitals etc which we all use. Rather the subs and handouts paid to those who choose to breed when there is almost no help for single households with one income. Dont get me started on the miserable 25% off council tax because I am still directly subsidising the identical house next door where four people suck up local services and facilities.

Well, those kids will be paying your pension in future, so don't be too harsh on them.....

I was really enjoying this thread (despite having an adult child myself) until the wingers about paying extra tax / not getting benefits appeared.

Own your choice. You're still winning from your quality of life alone.

Yes

Bur good news....my friend who turned 40 last year FINALLY got her tubes tied after close to 20+ years of asking.

I'm 40 next year so I'm hoping i might finally be allowed to as well 😳

I think one thing women like you don’t seem to realise is that there are huge rewards and positives from having children

You sound very bitter about people who ‘choose to breed’

Why would you post this on a thread on the “without children” board?!

Again, why post this here?!

Why not? It’s my opinion about a post I read on here!

I think the discussion of relief is both interesting and understandable and it must be one of the really good things about not having children.

I find it shades into something else when people start saying they don't want to pay for other people's facilities. If we segment off into individualism we don't recognise that society is built of all of us, after all we were all children once, we all use the health service and roads, we all use education, and we need workers who have also been children and needed support to create the country we live in.

It's mad to look next door and say they chose to breed, just as it would be unfair for someone to look at you and say well you chose to work in x industry knowing it is badly paid, or you chose to have a pet or you chose to be slightly overweight. Or any of the many choices we make that affects the services we need to draw on.

Social-mindedness isn't confined to those with children, of course, and some people with children are selfish individualists. I think having dependents makes a social perspective easier though, it does tend to strip away the illusion of independence and individual autonomy in life. Maybe without dependents we have to work harder to notice that no one is an island.

In terms of feeling "relief" at not having kids personally for me that more relates to the fact that for one, being a kid in this day and age, is not easy. I was badly bullied as a kid and it's negatively affected my whole life as a result. I wouldn't want to bring a kid into the world if they would be at risk of going though what I went through (it's not a good sign I was grateful only to be bullied mon- Friday in school hours compared to kids now and 24/7 internet bullying). Secondly I feel relief because times are funcking hard for everyone, but trying to do right and bring up a kid is an extra expense I genuinely cannot afford. Thirdly I feel relief because quite frankly I am not well enough mentally and doubt I ever realistically would be to properly raise a child, and I think any child deserves the best life possible I unfortunately can't give them

For me it's nothing to do with taxes etc. I'm just relieved in not in the position of struggling or having a kid struggling if that makes sense?

Being a single mum is much much easier. No ghastly in-laws, no constant negotiations, no arguing, no criticism. No nasty surprises.

Just a settled calm household where everything runs like clockwork. Yes, I had a few teen arguments when ds was about 13 or 14 but now we're past that stage and he's a pleasure to live with.

For anyone, as yet undecided whether to have dcs or not, being single makes it much less stressful. Children can be good at playing parents off against each other so a single parent household avoids that.

@suburberphobe

My pension isn’t your child’s gift; it’s what I’ve already earned through decades of taxes and the value of the work I put into the community.

Lucky other people are or we'd all be in a tricky spot in 30 years.

I don’t blame you. I am 40, with one toddler DD that I love the bones of but I cannot stand anyone else’s children really (if I’m honest with myself) and as someone who was ambivalent about motherhood I know I’d have had a happy life childfree. I don’t regret DD, but I know my life would have been just as fulfilling had I not had her.

Technically speaking that is incorrect. State pension is really a legal ponzai scheme in the loose sense. State pensions are funded by the current tax payers, which is why people say colloquially that children are needed to support the next generation of pensioners and the worry that the current generation is not having enough children.

This is actually quite sad to read - if I’m honest. I mean I’m not saying it can’t be true (I have been around mumsnet for over a year so I have read some coco bananas stuff) but sad nonetheless

I have adult dc, I’m perfectly happy with my choices. My sister has no children and she’s perfectly happy with her choices. There were moments when my dc were little, when I’d be envious of her life. There are moments now mine are adults when she’s envious of my life. We then just get on with things, lol

There are pros and cons to having children, just like there are pros and cons to not having them. Like everything in life, you just have to do what makes you happy for the majority of the time.