Page 20 | So relieved I didn’t have children

Bc87 · 12/12/2025 07:11

Can't believe people are wasting their time and energy arguing here.

Each to their own! Why can't you all just agree to disagree?

RampantIvy · 12/12/2025 07:21

SnowFrogJelly · 29/11/2025 01:27

I think one thing women like you don’t seem to realise is that there are huge rewards and positives from having children

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I don't think this is a valid argument.
Women who have the children they wanted always trot stuff out like this. If you don't want children and have the life you want you won't feel that you are missing out.

I say this as a parent who was ambivalent about having a child. DD is adamant that she doesn't want children BTW.

DrMickhead · 12/12/2025 08:09

This thread is absolutely wild.

I have four DC, some have quite severe additional needs and I love my DC and my life with them and wouldn’t change it. (Of course I’d take away the additional needs from my DC so their lives were easier) but I know so many parents who shouldn’t have kids. They made the wrong decision and are stuck with children they have no interest in. I know women who have chosen to be child free and have had to constantly justify their choice which makes me feel sick. It’s firstly their damn business. Also if you enjoy the life of working, travel, good food and drink, freedom, sleeping, shopping etc and not being responsible for a tiny person for 18 years at least, then parenting isn't for you. I will say this also despite my own love of parenting, the world in which I have brought children into makes me sad each day. Particularly worrying about my DCs who won’t ever reach independence. So even if you love being a mother the constant fear of their futures is honestly something I’d let anyone on the fence about DC, the feeling of uncertainty with this climate, (CoL/unrest/more violence towards women) anything really, should be discussed.
People should on have children if they want them and even then they should consider what lives their children will be brought into. I can’t believe that telling a woman who is happy with their life that they need a child to feel fulfilled. What absolute condescending, misogynistic bollocks is that? Nobody should be telling any woman or man that their lives are lesser than those of parents. Especially when it’s a bloody lie. Yes I love children and it was the right choice for me, but my child free friends who love their lives of restaurants, cafes, city breaks, the nightlife etc would utterly detest my life. And I get it, it’s not all baking and arts and crafts and walking in wellies on a Sunday. It’s routine, it’s boring, it’s at times chaos, financial worries at times, never being able to have nice plates and uk holidays only.

Anyone unsure about DC needs honesty. Yes you love your kids but that’s not for so many women as much fulfilment as independence.

RampantIvy · 12/12/2025 08:31

Excellent post @DrMickhead
Mothers who project their broodiness on to women who do not have a maternal bone in their body just don't get it.

It's like someone who loves bungee jumping telling me that I would love it as much as they do. No I do not want to try it - ever.

DD (25) is fed up with people telling her she will change her mind. She didn't like playing with dolls as a child and she has always disliked babies and small children because of the noise they make. To her the sound of a crying baby or a screeching child is like fingernails on a blackboard.

Notsoblackfriday · 12/12/2025 08:34

Someone on MN one said that if people put so much thought into decision to have kids as many put into not having kids (like future planning etc., and into defending it) , world would be a better place.
I often think about that reading news and some posts on MN tbh...

Notsoblackfriday · 12/12/2025 08:36

RampantIvy · 12/12/2025 08:31

Excellent post @DrMickhead
Mothers who project their broodiness on to women who do not have a maternal bone in their body just don't get it.

It's like someone who loves bungee jumping telling me that I would love it as much as they do. No I do not want to try it - ever.

DD (25) is fed up with people telling her she will change her mind. She didn't like playing with dolls as a child and she has always disliked babies and small children because of the noise they make. To her the sound of a crying baby or a screeching child is like fingernails on a blackboard.

Edited

I panic, like physically react, to certain screams and squeals. It's the frequency I think. Very much sets of flight response in me. DH finds it hilarious (tbf I do to sometimes).
When ypur DD gets to certain age, people will stop realising it is set. They stopped for me (or assume I cannot, so... Stopped anyway)

KimberleyClark · 12/12/2025 08:38

Notsoblackfriday · 12/12/2025 08:34

Someone on MN one said that if people put so much thought into decision to have kids as many put into not having kids (like future planning etc., and into defending it) , world would be a better place.
I often think about that reading news and some posts on MN tbh...

I’ve also seen it said on MN that people put too much thought into the decision and that if they are ambivalent they should just do it, they won’t regret it.🙈

Notsoblackfriday · 12/12/2025 08:42

KimberleyClark · 12/12/2025 08:38

I’ve also seen it said on MN that people put too much thought into the decision and that if they are ambivalent they should just do it, they won’t regret it.🙈

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Oh that one is hurting my brain. It's not like you can return them if it doesn't work out well!
"putting too much thought" into creating a human you are responsible for for ever basically 🙈 yeah totally should be spur of the moment decision like buying a house plant 🙈

EmpressaurusKitty · 12/12/2025 09:07

That’s like the idiotic post upthread about ‘people only regret the things they don’t do.’

I don’t believe I’ll ever regret not having had kids. I do regret having moved in with my ex.

I don’t regret never having swum the channel. I do regret… well, you get the idea.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 12/12/2025 09:07

KimberleyClark · 12/12/2025 08:38

I’ve also seen it said on MN that people put too much thought into the decision and that if they are ambivalent they should just do it, they won’t regret it.🙈

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That’s a really sickening attitude.

EmpressaurusKitty · 12/12/2025 09:19

There’s also the ‘just have one’ suggested as a sort of compromise.

But one would still be too many. She or he would be here. They’d live in my home. I’d be completely responsible for them. And the idea of taking the risk that I’d like that because ‘it’s different when they’re your own’ is irresponsible to the point of insanity.

whatsnewpussycat34 · 12/12/2025 10:04

Notsoblackfriday · 12/12/2025 08:34

Someone on MN one said that if people put so much thought into decision to have kids as many put into not having kids (like future planning etc., and into defending it) , world would be a better place.
I often think about that reading news and some posts on MN tbh...

Most people put no thought in to having children at all. They just do it because it’s the done thing.

One of the reasons I’m relieved I didn’t have children is because I know that I would not have the same loving attitude as @DrMickheadif I had a child with special needs. I would just not cope at all, and that is so unfair on a child , as well as me. The rise in additional needs, for whatever reason, is a worry to me and I wouldn’t be able to dedicate myself to someone else who was never going to be independent. And those who have children now, who have SN and feel like me, are in hell. Which is no place to live for the kids or parents.

According to the world that makes me selfish, I think it makes me the opposite to be honest.

DrMickhead · 12/12/2025 10:12

Myself and DCs dad both have family members with a whole host of medical and additional needs so we were very aware that our DC may have been born with additional issues. But so many parents in our SEN schools/clubs had absolutely nothing of the sort in their family and yet they were dealt the hand of a child with SEND. This has meant mums (in my experience it’s always the mums) have left jobs and careers, their lives are now limited as not everyone has a village at the best of times but throw in a child who has a stoma or feeding tube or volatile behaviour and that village is getting smaller by the minute. These are things I think people do not understand when saying “just have one”, life is a lottery, crikey you can have a perfectly typical child and they have a horrific fall and then become disabled, life isn’t guaranteed to be typical for anyone and if you aren’t prepared for the consequences of everything life can throw at your child then don’t do it. It sounds I’m all doom and gloom here and almost anti having children but I’m being realistic, we see posts here regularly “dc had a great and loving childhood, no trauma but has MH issues” and these are the things we must take into account. Not “oh just have one!” No, think about your life and your happiness and of course we all want a perfectly healthy and typical child but if we don’t get that, which many don’t, are you still going to be happy?
I know some dreadful parents who should never ever have been allowed a goldfish to care for, I know some absolutely amazing child free couples who have wonderful homes filled with love and joy who absolutely love their lives and would never choose to have children and change their lives. Just because the second couple would likely be wonderful parents, doesn’t mean they have to be.
It actually boils my piss how infantilised women are when they say “I don’t want to have a child”. I know I don’t want to have an XL bully or spend the night with Ed gein but I’m not having to argue with anyone, “just do it the once, you may enjoy having your nipples turned into a belt”.

DrMickhead · 12/12/2025 10:29

whatsnewpussycat34 · 12/12/2025 10:04

Most people put no thought in to having children at all. They just do it because it’s the done thing.

One of the reasons I’m relieved I didn’t have children is because I know that I would not have the same loving attitude as @DrMickheadif I had a child with special needs. I would just not cope at all, and that is so unfair on a child , as well as me. The rise in additional needs, for whatever reason, is a worry to me and I wouldn’t be able to dedicate myself to someone else who was never going to be independent. And those who have children now, who have SN and feel like me, are in hell. Which is no place to live for the kids or parents.

According to the world that makes me selfish, I think it makes me the opposite to be honest.

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It’s one of the most selfless things in the world. Actually considering the future of yourself and potential child. When I read posters say about their adult children struggling with the noise of babies etc and hear that they’re being told they are in way overreacting it’s disgusting. What is that poor woman to do if she has a nonverbal screaming child? How miserable would their lives be? I think people when they say “have a baby” forget that baby stage lasts a whole 5 minutes. And it can be a whole lot worse after that stage even with a typical child if you get a whiny one.
To tell anyone their lives will improve having a child unless they 100% want that child is just a lie. And to make women feel bad that they’ve chosen to not have children or have found comfort in being child free after infertility (such as @KimberleyClark experience) is utterly disgraceful.
Whilst Im certainly not complaining about my life or children there are things that would have brought me joy as I’d have gotten older, I wanted to travel America, Japan, New Zealand and all over Europe. I won’t do any of those things. I may not always be able to get someone to mind my son who has violent outbursts long enough for DH and I to go for a meal of an evening and the cinema. I’ve more than made my peace with those things and I’m delighted when my friends travel or to discuss travel online with fellow mumsnetters etc, but I know my child free friends would hate my life of limitations and whilst not every case of having a baby brings that, it’s certainly putting a risk that not having children brings.

To consider the outcomes of bringing a child into the world before having one is sensible and selfless. Never ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They’re frankly stupid.

whatsnewpussycat34 · 12/12/2025 10:35

DrMickhead · 12/12/2025 10:12

Myself and DCs dad both have family members with a whole host of medical and additional needs so we were very aware that our DC may have been born with additional issues. But so many parents in our SEN schools/clubs had absolutely nothing of the sort in their family and yet they were dealt the hand of a child with SEND. This has meant mums (in my experience it’s always the mums) have left jobs and careers, their lives are now limited as not everyone has a village at the best of times but throw in a child who has a stoma or feeding tube or volatile behaviour and that village is getting smaller by the minute. These are things I think people do not understand when saying “just have one”, life is a lottery, crikey you can have a perfectly typical child and they have a horrific fall and then become disabled, life isn’t guaranteed to be typical for anyone and if you aren’t prepared for the consequences of everything life can throw at your child then don’t do it. It sounds I’m all doom and gloom here and almost anti having children but I’m being realistic, we see posts here regularly “dc had a great and loving childhood, no trauma but has MH issues” and these are the things we must take into account. Not “oh just have one!” No, think about your life and your happiness and of course we all want a perfectly healthy and typical child but if we don’t get that, which many don’t, are you still going to be happy?
I know some dreadful parents who should never ever have been allowed a goldfish to care for, I know some absolutely amazing child free couples who have wonderful homes filled with love and joy who absolutely love their lives and would never choose to have children and change their lives. Just because the second couple would likely be wonderful parents, doesn’t mean they have to be.
It actually boils my piss how infantilised women are when they say “I don’t want to have a child”. I know I don’t want to have an XL bully or spend the night with Ed gein but I’m not having to argue with anyone, “just do it the once, you may enjoy having your nipples turned into a belt”.

Perfect post. You’re my new favourite.

Strawberriesandpears · 12/12/2025 15:09

DrMickhead · 12/12/2025 08:09

This thread is absolutely wild.

I have four DC, some have quite severe additional needs and I love my DC and my life with them and wouldn’t change it. (Of course I’d take away the additional needs from my DC so their lives were easier) but I know so many parents who shouldn’t have kids. They made the wrong decision and are stuck with children they have no interest in. I know women who have chosen to be child free and have had to constantly justify their choice which makes me feel sick. It’s firstly their damn business. Also if you enjoy the life of working, travel, good food and drink, freedom, sleeping, shopping etc and not being responsible for a tiny person for 18 years at least, then parenting isn't for you. I will say this also despite my own love of parenting, the world in which I have brought children into makes me sad each day. Particularly worrying about my DCs who won’t ever reach independence. So even if you love being a mother the constant fear of their futures is honestly something I’d let anyone on the fence about DC, the feeling of uncertainty with this climate, (CoL/unrest/more violence towards women) anything really, should be discussed.
People should on have children if they want them and even then they should consider what lives their children will be brought into. I can’t believe that telling a woman who is happy with their life that they need a child to feel fulfilled. What absolute condescending, misogynistic bollocks is that? Nobody should be telling any woman or man that their lives are lesser than those of parents. Especially when it’s a bloody lie. Yes I love children and it was the right choice for me, but my child free friends who love their lives of restaurants, cafes, city breaks, the nightlife etc would utterly detest my life. And I get it, it’s not all baking and arts and crafts and walking in wellies on a Sunday. It’s routine, it’s boring, it’s at times chaos, financial worries at times, never being able to have nice plates and uk holidays only.

Anyone unsure about DC needs honesty. Yes you love your kids but that’s not for so many women as much fulfilment as independence.

Thank you for this excellent post. I always find it really striking that whenever a kids / no kids type discussion opens up, at least 95% of what is discussed focuses entirely on the 'wants' of the individual. It's so focused on what children can do for their lives, with very little or no consideration as to what kind of life the child might actually live.

A child (all being well) turns into an adult who has to live for 80+ years. Someone who could live through happy times of course, but also inevitably pain. If someone has made a well considered decision and decided not to bring that life into the world, then I think that is to be commended. That decision might not just be based on concerns about the 'state of the world' either. It could be other factors, like looking at what support that child would have throughout their life. I for example, am an only child, as is my partner - I worry about a lack of wider family support and connections for my potential child.

@DrMickhead Thank you again, and I wish you and your children well.

harriethoyle · 12/12/2025 15:22

@DrMickhead nipple belt 🤣🤣🤣 - I ❤️ everything in this post!

RampantIvy · 12/12/2025 15:28

@DrMickhead all your posts are so measured and sensible. Thank you.

Strawberriesandpears · 12/12/2025 15:34

EmpressaurusKitty · 12/12/2025 09:19

There’s also the ‘just have one’ suggested as a sort of compromise.

But one would still be too many. She or he would be here. They’d live in my home. I’d be completely responsible for them. And the idea of taking the risk that I’d like that because ‘it’s different when they’re your own’ is irresponsible to the point of insanity.

It also ignores the fact that just having one might not be right for some people's life circumstances. If I 'just had one' they would be an only child with no aunties, uncles, cousins or extended family. Quite a precarious and potentially lonely situation to bring a new life into.

SammyScrounge · 13/12/2025 01:04

Settings11111111 · 28/11/2025 22:26

Do any other child free by choice women experience this sweeping relief from time to time? I’ve just got back from a holiday with several family children who are beautifully behaved and great company but whose parents were trapped in never ending arguments about who’d do what and who could have time to relax whilst the other minded the kids. It led to several tense atmospheres.

I know not all parents argue but I’ve got home with such an overriding sense of relief that I made the decision not to have kids.

The parents were to blame for quarrelling,
not the.children.

Milliemoons · 13/12/2025 01:08

I am currently awake at 1am because the baby won’t stop screaming. This is the third time she’s woken up and so far she’s been awake 2 hours on this waking. She keeps biting my nipples to the point where they feel very bruised. Just to reassure you that you made a reasonable decision.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 13/12/2025 01:37

SammyScrounge · 13/12/2025 01:04

The parents were to blame for quarrelling,
not the.children.

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That’s irrelevant. The point is that many of us aren’t interested in a child-centric lifestyle.

Ijwwm · 13/12/2025 01:40

@DrMickhead - thank you for your insightful posts, it’s really refreshing to see on this board. You seem like a great parent - it’s a lot to take on your shoulders when children have additional needs.

I have a lot of admiration for all of the good parents out there. I have kids in my life that I’m really fond of. But I still know that being a mum was never for me. And that really should be ok in todays society.

Again, thank you for sharing your views and circumstances.

Ijwwm · 13/12/2025 01:45

SammyScrounge · 13/12/2025 01:04

The parents were to blame for quarrelling,
not the.children.

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I don’t think anyone is blaming the children. The point of the thread is that, for us, there are no children so these arguments between adults don’t occur.

whatsnewpussycat34 · 13/12/2025 19:19

There’s a live threat atm from a mum who is saying she finds parenting easy and she doesn’t know what people are on about when they find it hard.

She’s had her arse handed to her!

So apparently, you also can’t post about being relieved or discussing your easy kids and nice life without people being annoyed or offended.

Seems like none of us, kids or not, can win.