So relieved I didn’t have children

[Settings11111111]

Do any other child free by choice women experience this sweeping relief from time to time? I’ve just got back from a holiday with several family children who are beautifully behaved and great company but whose parents were trapped in never ending arguments about who’d do what and who could have time to relax whilst the other minded the kids. It led to several tense atmospheres.

I know not all parents argue but I’ve got home with such an overriding sense of relief that I made the decision not to have kids.

There is also a thread from a mum who is struggling and wishes she could just walk away. Most of the replies are sympathetic as they should be.

I saw that and I really felt for her. I was pleased to see that most of the responses were sympathetic and understanding.

There’s a great saying that springs to mind here - “Until you find something you are willing to die for, you have no reason for living.”

I have a child and, like many other parents, I would die for her. I don’t even have to consider if I would do it; there’s no question. To refuse would be incomprehensible to me.

There are many great things in this world, but are there many childless posters on this thread who have something they are willing to die for? The love and devotion for a child is really like nothing else and you truly cannot understand or imagine it unless you have been a parent.

Being without children is a valid choice in life and I’m sure it is great to have that freedom from worry. The single downside I have found to being a mother is the emotional side. You feel their every worry and heartbreak. I wasn’t prepared for that.

I couldn’t have children, so according to you I have nothing to live for? If that is not what you meant, then what actually is the point of your post?

Did you really mean to be quite that offensive, @LiveToTell? Do you honestly mean to say that women without children have no reason for living?

I had never considered before that some people didn't have something they were willing to die for. I'm really surprised to hear some people need to have children to feel that way.

I don't want to die! I want to live! There's a whole beautiful world out there, children or no children.

Sounds great, a whole lot of worry and thinking about dying for people.

I’ll take the not knowing real love and devotion.

It isn’t a great saying. It’s an incredibly stupid and potentially dangerous one.

Completely agree. Bonkers and dangerous, but I'm sure it makes smug parents feel good to say it

I don't even feel insulted by all the grandstanding, I just find it tiresome. It's like hearing a parent say that having a child gives you the highest highs and the lowest lows - no thanks!

It’s nice not to have children but when it hits you when your older and dying and you will have no one around you to help … usually the children would do this

I hope none of your children are infertile, or at least that you develop some compassion and kindness before they find out.

And if you check out the elderly parents thread you will see that this is often a cause of great stress and upset for their adult children.

Children born today are likely to be working until they are 70 plus just to be able to afford life. Add on top of that the strain and stress of looking after elderly parents and I am sure it will push some of them to breaking point.

Many of those without children will save for professional care and perhaps even feel some relief that they won't be relying on adult children with busy lives of their own.

Children are cute and cuddly only for a short period of time. They become adults quite quickly, then you’re sharing the house with them. In my case they have special needs and will be a burden all our lives. Yes in hindsight I would never have had them. The pressure to have kids is insane.

🤦🏻‍♂️
Do people really think like this?! Better have some kids so I can guilt trip them into being my carers when I'm old?!

Yeah, you can often read about them on the threads where people have cut contact with their parents...

I will give you the benefit of the doubt, though I have a feeling I’m being over-generous.

Did you know that you’re posting on a thread which is in the “Mumsnetters without children” board? And did you realise that this board has posters who are both child free by choice and childless not by choice?

If so, did you not stop, even for one second, to think about how totally insensitive posting that “great” saying could come across as?

If not, a little tip for you when posting on threads - it takes two seconds to check what board they’re posted on (clue: it’s at the top of every page). So maybe engage your thinking matter before posting your views.

I feel sorry for your kids if this was one of your considered pros for having them. And you can’t have been on this site for long if you think this is a good argument, have you not seen the thousands of posts on threads telling people to go NC if their parents need any help?!

I have a friend who is one of those who waxes lyrical about parenthood and cannot understand why I choose to be childfree. In one of his many speeches on the topic, he said “children will change your life”, in a very earnest and sincere tone. He was utterly baffled when I pointed out that I love my life as it is and don’t want to change it!

My work brings me into the lives of very many old people. A huge proportion have children that are entirely absent from the lives of their elderly parents - until that parent dies of course - then they swarm like vultures over the inheritance. I'd rather be alone because I have no children than alone because my children don't care enough to bother with me.

Also, it doesn't. See also that nonsense about starting to see life in Technicolour. I'm precisely as happy as I was since having my son as I was before -- probably slightly differently happy, but not some earthshaking difference. I liked my life before, as someone who didn't intend to have a child, and I like it now. Which I think is as it should be. No one should be having a child to 'give their life meaning'.

I also work with the elderly and see this day in, day out.

Are you for real? There are lots of women on this board who did want children but were unable to conceive. Luckily I’m not one of them, but if I was, I’d be hurt and disgusted by you.

And more fool you for not considering the emotional toll children take on a mother. You obviously didn’t give a second thought to any future children you brought in to the world if you hadn’t fathomed the fact that they are human beings with their own emotions.

I also couldn’t give a fuck about the “devotion for your child” trope. There are loads of things in life that give you short bursts of happiness in exchange for a life time of mental and physical pain. Crack being one of them, I also thought “better not” about that as well.

How gross. Bring an entire human being into the world for the sole reason of having future responsibly of wiping your arse for you.

Me too. Every time.