Anyone else sometimes get a wave of relief that they don’t have children?

[knowifIcando]

I’m in my late 30s and have known I think for a long time that I didn’t want kids. I’ve never really actively thought about it although now and then wonder if I’ll regret it.

And then I have moments like today. I’ve been at my sister’s house and my nieces are lovely, gorgeous kids but then she started talking to them about how they had to get their uniforms sorted for school, get the homework done and have baths and I felt such a feeling of relief that I had decided not to have them and could return to my peaceful home.

Yes, so no need for women with children to be upset by its existence.

Exactly.

I'm sure women with children get many waves of good feelings and emotions as they watch their children grow, and women without children are allowed to feel waves of good emotions and feelings too.

Yes I’m sure they do, and yes we are and we should be allowed to talk about the joy and satisfaction of our lives without children without women with children taking that as a criticism of their lives.

No it’s not why I’m on the thread at all I was extremely lucky that my children were 100% planned and wanted - all I’m saying is that some people may not be as fortunate and may have continued with a pregnancy not by choice

It could still be insensitive wether they read it or not

Honestly, I knew since I was little!
But god, there was a shitshow of 2 years when we genuinely quite a few times talked about it "like we don't feel the need but like... We should, shouldn't we. But we don't really want to. Does anyone REALLY want to though. Who knows".
It was mainly due to close relatives' ilnesses, deaths and some pressure from some parts of family (I want to see your child before i die type of thing). One would think 20+ nephews and nieces he has would kind of make them forget about us😂 no. Miles didn't either!
We still settled on no. Would be so stupid to do it due to pressure. Also friends started getting pregnant and suddenly it was "aww but we could be mum's together ❤️🥰". Luckily most people came to their senses quickly (or were simply dropped by us) and no one has asked in like 3 years. Nice.
Most childfree I know have had that "should we just join them in it or something" couple of times, then sense prevailed.

You could say that someone might get offended, or triggered or upset by pretty much every thread that gets posted across the site. That's not for you to police or worry yourself over.

This a million billion times.

I can't think of any other situation where people feel the need to publicly proclaim that they're so glad their lives are better than others'.

I've never seen a "I'm so glad I don't have weight issues!" thread, or "I'm so glad I don't have SEN DC!", "I'm so glad I'm not poor", "I'm so glad I don't need to be on benefits!", "I'm so glad I don't live in Palestine!".

These threads come up fairly regularly. They're out and out gloating: anyone else feel relief that their lives aren't shitty like other people's are? And then they ALWAYS descend into "well if you have children you have no right to comment, this is the childfree MNers board you know". Having or not having children is irrelevant to being a gloating, smug person. I am glad I don't live in Palestine, I'm glad I don't have financial worries, I'm glad I don't need to depend on benefits etc: I keep it to myself, like any right-thinking person would. Count your blessings, if that's what you think they are. It would just be plain nasty to go shouting about them from the rooftops.

So you see having children as a problem then? Because all those examples you just gave involve a negative.

No one here is saying their lives are better than those with children. Where does it say that??

That's an interesting perspective. Have you thought about why there are threads like this though?

Could ot be because childfree women are constantly being told that they'll change their minds when they get older or meet the right man, that they'll regret it, that they are being unfair to their parents, that they'll be lonely and sad when they are older etc etc?

I've been told all of those things, repeatedly, since I was about 16. So forgive me (and others) for rejoicing in feeling happy and relieved with our life choices.

And this is a section of the site for people without children. No one is trying to make others feel bad.

I personally don't see having children as a problem. I think the OP does! That's the whole premise of this thread: "does anyone else get a wave of relief that they don't have children?". You feel relief at not having something when that thing is a bad thing. Yes?

It’s the undertone isn’t it? The reasons for not having them (I.e tidy houses, nice holidays, no screaming etc) are all valid and positive things.

I think the poster you quoted is absolutely right, it does come across as smug and a bit weird to start a thread saying how glad you are that you don’t have something. Especially on a parenting site (yes I know this is the child free board but still).

As I've said above, it's because we are constantly told that our decision to be childfree is wrong!

Agreed it is a bit weird! And bound to ruffle feathers!

I'm personally aware of the messages that women are bombarded with about all sorts of things, including their choices around procreation. This board, the entire site, is full of all sorts of very nuanced threads discussing those things. These specific threads are out and out gloating.

Imagine if I had 5 children - generally seen as a lot of children in this day and age, especially for those not able to financially support them fully - and came onto MN and started a thread titled "anyone else sometimes get a wave of relief that they don't have only one child"? Would you forgive me for feeling happy and relieved with my life choices for one, glad to be able to gloat in order to counter the mud-slinging I receive on a daily basis for having chosen to have 5 children?

Perhaps you would. I personally don't think it's necessary or productive or useful or beneficial. I just wouldn't do it. I will have made my choices, for my own reasons. No need to make a public announcement about them, especially not one that's phrased positively relative to other people's different choices.

I’m glad that I don’t go camping. I’m glad that I don’t go hillwalking, don’t live in Australia, that I don’t have siblings, don’t drink alcohol, don’t like extreme sports and yes I’m glad that I don’t have children. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think that these are things that don’t bring a lot of pleasure to other people or aren’t worth doing/having for the right people, but they most definitely are not for me.

If it's something you didnt want for your life then yes. It does not say that they think their life is better than someone who has children. Just because you dont have children doesnt mean you are happy and vice versa.

Not so much "relief" as never wanted kids and am rarely in a situation where there are any around. Sometimes, though, I do feel amazed at how different my life has been, and will continue to be, compared to someone who has kids. It sometimes feels like coming from another planet - one I really like.

I don't think your analogy is remotely comparable.

Unless you're a childfree by choice woman you have no idea. Some of the comments I've been subjected to over the years (and decades) are unbelievably crass, misogynistic and lacking in empathy.

This section of mumsnet is possibly the only place where I meet other women who understand. I just wish that parents who are offended or who lack the imagination to understand that people are different, would back off.

But if your genuinely happy being a mother (and let's face it lots of people assume the childless are missing out) then why do you view a childless person's happiness as smug? Yes trivial things like not lugging a buggy on and off a bus get mentioned but that's not the reason why someone doesnt have kids. Its just little, slightly humorous, things they are pleased about.

So talking positively about not having children is gloating then?

Gosh @UnderratedCabbage , I relate to so much of your post. Ambivalence is very real and doesn't get talked about enough. It's not always as simple as just not wanting kids and that's the end of it. I felt really crippled by the decision. I'm so glad that I hung in there but it was a ROUGH ride!

Personally I wouldn’t give a shit because I don’t need validation from other people around me. I might get a bit put out if people promote only child stereotypes but I don’t give it a shit if someone lists why they enjoy seeing their kids playing together, that they entertain each other, that they help one another, that house always feels lively and fun etc. Fine by me. I’m genuinely happy that they’re happy. I don’t feel the need to go on a pearl clutching rampage onto the large families board to complain about how they’ve hurt my feelings and that they’re anti only children. If they’re happy and confident in their decision then good for them.