Anyone else sometimes get a wave of relief that they don’t have children?

[knowifIcando]

I’m in my late 30s and have known I think for a long time that I didn’t want kids. I’ve never really actively thought about it although now and then wonder if I’ll regret it.

And then I have moments like today. I’ve been at my sister’s house and my nieces are lovely, gorgeous kids but then she started talking to them about how they had to get their uniforms sorted for school, get the homework done and have baths and I felt such a feeling of relief that I had decided not to have them and could return to my peaceful home.

I think we should just be happy for eachother that women now have the choice (obvs the choice is taken away for some people). This is a fantastic thing and pretty much unprecedented in human history!

And have you ever seen a thread titled "anyone else sometimes get a wave of relief that they don't go camping or hillwalking/ live in Australia/ don't have siblings/ don't like extreme sports"? People don't do that because, as you say (to paraphrase) horses for courses.

Imagine starting a thread on MN entitled "anyone else sometimes get a wave of relief they don't live abroad?", when it's commonly known that a large part of the MN demographic actually does live abroad. Why would you do that, and expect not to be considered gloating? I mean, there's the whole of the rest of the internet to find like-minded people to convene with on living in your home country. Why choose MN?

When you know, you know...

The reason people need to point this out is that there is still a lot of pressure on women to have children. That it is actually possible to be happy, and yes, relieved in many cases still needs saying.

I personally was not 'gloating' or 'smug' when I said I share the relief - this is an emotional projection I'm afraid.

For others though, it really isn't like that. It's just "No". Doesn't matter if mythical "he" is going to leave you or not. Doesn't matter if you're "normal" or not (no such thing). Just plain "No"

This, and @Gnomegarden32 !

"Is anyone else sick to the back of their bloody teeth with the assumptions and misogyny and criticism and constant questioning?" is a very different thing from "I've made xyz life choices and I'm so relieved because I don't have to deal with abc's shitty life who didn't".

I suspect 99% of women on this site would just be happy for each other. There's no need to feel superior to anyone else, whatever the choices you make.

MN is mainly for women and therefore it seems an appropriate place to post about any issue affecting women. And its posted under the women without children board.

If you dont like the existence of that board then put in a complaint to MN

Yeah. Even when you are sure like I am, the pressures from around can absolutely make you at times think "maybe I should?". DH is an absolute outlier in his side where it is common to have more than two. My side is more chilled about it, though grandparents still occasionally played on my love of them. Bit of a cultural difference plays role too.

For us it wasn't "I feel I maybeee want them" ambivalence, more of a "i feel i should to be part of that clan and make everyone happy" one.

I have seen many threads about hating the country/city/cruises/all inclusive/private schools/state schools/blw/tv/no tv/skiing holidays etc. I really couldn’t give a shit if someone talks about why they love going to a villa with private pool or loves living in Zone 1 London. It might not be right for me but if it’s right for them then I don’t care. I don’t feel the need to make it all about me because I like all inclusive and they prefer the extra space and relative quiet of a gite in rural France.

There are plenty of threads that could potentially offend people. I’ve seen parents of kids with SN and people with fertility issues bringing their personal circumstances into threads on the pregnancy choices boards because they’re upset by the thought of someone choosing not to continue a pregnancy with a disabled child when their feelings are completely irrelevant and should have no bearing on the OP’s decision or restrict her ability to discuss in full and uncensored, her thoughts on the subject. Sometimes it’s not all about you. And if you have kids then it certainly shouldn’t be on the Mumsnetters Without Children board.

And why MN? Because it’s one of the largest women’s spaces on the internet and no it hasn’t just been about parenting for a long time. And again this is specifically the Mumsnetters without children board

There isn't really a comparable forum to discuss these kinds of issues - if there was another predominantly female place to discuss it I would happily go there.

Imagine if I had 5 children - generally seen as a lot of children in this day and age, especially for those not able to financially support them fully - and came onto MN and started a thread titled "anyone else sometimes get a wave of relief that they don't have only one child"? Would you forgive me for feeling happy and relieved with my life choices for one, glad to be able to gloat in order to counter the mud-slinging I receive on a daily basis for having chosen to have 5 children?

But people do post those types of things on here not exactly worded as above but along the same lines

Tell me about your one and done family - loads of parents talk about amazing their lives are with just one child
We have a 3 bed with two kids and wondering if we should have another - loads of parents respond by saying they would never want their children to share bedrooms, each child should get their own room

etc etc

Well, this is news to me (re there not being a comparable forum to discuss these kinds of issues). The internet is infinite, I thought there would be plenty of feminism-centered boards, reddit threads etc. Sounds like a gap in the market!

And I don't care in the slightest that MN is the home for this: the more the merrier as frankly it's great to still have a free-to-access forum as cohesive as this (and which isn't America-based). And in reply to @IHateWasps , I'm not remotely offended: your choices have nothing to do with me, to each their own! Offence is too easily taken and too easily given these days, I'd like to think most people have better things to do with their lives than take offence at a random internet poster's ramblings!

I think it's just a difference in what people consider useful or productive. I don't see the point in publicly expressing relief about having made a specific life choice in a place where most people have made the opposite life choice. (I obviously see the point in seeking like-minded people who are navigating similar problems). That's the bottom line: to each their own.

I will rephrase: there isn't a comparable UK tech forum free of male misogynists in which to discuss these issues. MN is pretty unique in this respect.

It's a predominately female based UK website with a specific section for women without kids, you dont get a much better place than that. We do hope women with children don't come on the thread and start arguing with us. Just click on a thread that does interest you.

I'm really confused as to why people have joined this specific thread to tell us that we don't belong on MN and that we should post elsewhere.

@HiRen having a board where you can connect with people who get it is invaluable. As I'm sure you find it helpful if another mother posts a topic that you can identify with. You feel seen and validated. But to come into a space that isn't designed for you, one that you don't resonate with and trample over people's thoughts and feelings is quite strange.

For what's its worth, I've been on mumsnet for years. I tried to become a mother for 7 years, I lost 6 babies in the process and spent my life savings on ivf and fertility treatment. I now am living a happy, childfree life. But it took a mental breakdown and me wanting to end my life to come to terms with it wasn't ever likely to happen for me. And to preserve my sanity and ensure that I was able to be present in life, I had to close the door. I now feel immense relief to be living my life, no longer in limbo, no longer pumped full of hormones and drugs and steroids that I didn't recognise myself in the mirror anymore and wanted to kill myself because i was constantly being told unless i was a mother, i was worthless.

So, yes, I feel relief and no I am not smug about it. But when someone else posts about the 'unspeakable' relief of being childfree, I can wholeheartedly relate to that. And I will join them in recognising and validating those feelings.

God yes.

I announced to my (bullying, crap) mother when I was 15 that I didn't want kids.
She insisted I would "change"

I didn't.

She wanted to know "who will look after you when you're old?"
I replied that's the wrong reason to have kids and I may well be living in Australia, actually.
She shut up.
For a bit.

Listening to pals anguishing over their adult children or grandchildren reinforces my decision.

@VenusStarr I am sorry for all that you went through and am so pleased you are happy now!

If all the people who object to this thread for whatever reason could report it & ask HQ to hide this board from Active that would be helpful.

Alternatively you could go into Settings and hide the board, then it won’t show in Active for you any more.

@HiRenoh absolutely this!! The whole of the bloody internet to find like-minded people!

It always has to turn into a bunfight doesn't it? 🙄

To answer OP's original point, yes and often. Never so much as when exh fucked off and left me. I was broken and physically couldn't have looked after a child. The cats didn't even get a look in.

Once you catch up you will see the valid reasons in reply to this. Now go get your feathers ruffled elsewhere. Everything has been explained to people who didnt understand, no need to keep on.

I have actually read every comment as they come in thank you and I still think Mumsnet is not the place to gloat about how amazing it is to not have children

And this post and board is not the place for you (and others) to rave about how wonderful motherhood is. It's incredibly insensitive. If you truly have read every post and have an ounce of empathy, you would recognise that some of us have had long and painful journeys to living a childfree life. And we are living the best of that life as we can.

Whether you think mumsnet is the right place is neither here nor there, because we are entitled to be here, in our corner of this forum.

Why should I go elsewhere when I have been a member for nearly 20 years? Funnily enough, I also post in the cat litter, style and beauty, chat etc. I was a frequent poster in conception and infertility boards for years. Is is really only a place mothers can post? I've got 6 dead babies*, does that make me more valid in your eyes?

*apologies to those who have had similar experiences to me, it's the most painful thing I've ever been through and to have survived and come out the other side, only to be told that I'm not worthy to exist here, is really upsetting to be honest.

@VenusStarr, I’m so sorry you’ve had such a terrible time.