Anyone else sometimes get a wave of relief that they don’t have children?

[knowifIcando]

I’m in my late 30s and have known I think for a long time that I didn’t want kids. I’ve never really actively thought about it although now and then wonder if I’ll regret it.

And then I have moments like today. I’ve been at my sister’s house and my nieces are lovely, gorgeous kids but then she started talking to them about how they had to get their uniforms sorted for school, get the homework done and have baths and I felt such a feeling of relief that I had decided not to have them and could return to my peaceful home.

Your still not getting it are you

Just to be clear: I haven't said and don't think childfree women shouldn't have a space on MN. As I said, the more the merrier, especially given that it seems there isn't an alternative. Anyway, who is any one of us to dictate.

The issue is the, to me, unnecessary gloating nature of the thread, which I've tried (but maybe failed) to demonstrate by analogy.

At the end of the day if you dont like it dont click into it.

I've never seen a "I'm so glad I don't have weight issues!" thread, or "I'm so glad I don't have SEN DC!", "I'm so glad I'm not poor", "I'm so glad I don't need to be on benefits!", "I'm so glad I don't live in Palestine!"

That's because people do it by stealth rather than openly gloating

"AIBU not to be able to finish my salad" - becomes a fat bashing thread.
"AIBU about [SEN] child in my son's class" - becomes SEN bashing
"AIBU to be struggling even though I earn £300k p/a" - becomes wealth gloating

etc.

Absolutely this.

Are childfree women not allowed to speak positively about being childfree then?

Would posting a thread saying ‘tell me the things you most enjoy about having children’ be gloating too?

No, it wouldn’t, because it is fine for women to talk about enjoying life with kids and why, but women who talk about enjoying life without kids and why must be attacked and reminded that they are wrong.

It’s absolutely pathetic.

This isn’t a thread about the positives of being childfree, though. It’s a thread about relief at not having the downsides of children. They’re very different things. The analogy would be “tell me the relief you feel about having children” and then a list of people expressing their joy over not having to deal with, for example, a lonely old age, feeling the joys of small and teenage and adult children blah blah. That would indeed be gloating about motherhood.

Well, fine, whatever. ‘Do you feel relieved you had kids’ would absolutely not offend me in the slightest. Good for them. I wouldn’t give a toss.

But women without children daring to be happy and relieved triggers a ridiculous and slightly unhinged response. Actually, it makes me wonder why? Is there some jealousy here appearing in the thread as anger?

Yes. Every day.

The trouble is, I don’t think there is a single thing we could write about the positives of being childfree that you wouldn’t interpret as being negative about being a parent.

Nobody is offended or unhinged, as far as I can see. Or jealousy. Why be so dramatic? The point has been made calmly and in a balanced fashion at all points. From other experiences as a woman I recognise the sheer frustration that comes from not having valid choices recognised - it happens to all of us at some point or another, in some form or another. But flushing around false accusations helps nobody. Not does taking or giving offence - just my opinion 🤷‍♀️

Okay, well the view has been given. Well done. Now can those of us who are child free be left in peace to discuss it?

I truly have read every post and if you had too than you would know that very early on in my first comment I mentioned that I was a a Mum to 2DC and sad that I never had a third. I was also very careful to mention that my post didn’t apply to people that were childless through infertility but those that made a conscious decision to be childless. I’m sorry you have lost children - so have I, three before I became pregnant with DC1. And then after DC2 12 years of infertility so I do know the struggles - but that was not my point! My point was that it was insensitive to other women who are forced to continue with pregnancies that they don’t want and also that the PP and other followers were gloating that their life was better than those of us parents. And I still stand that I don’t think that Mumsnet is the place to gloat about being child free - it is a parenting forum no matter how you dress it up or however many special corners of Mumsnet that you have for your little groups. I think it is better for childless individuals to chat elsewhere if they are going to celebrate being childless.

Why would the exceptionally small number of women forced to continue with pregnancies who are on Mumsnet be on the Without Children board?

You do not care about that.

”your little groups”

Your condescension shines through.

You think it’s better. We don’t. So leave us to it and hide the board.

You won’t though, because you’re angry we’re happy/relieved that we don’t have children.

We discussed what sort of life we would be likely to have with children, what we felt we could give to a child, what sort of life a child would have. We also discussed at great length how we felt about the world and both agreed it was a pretty shitty place and almost certain to get worse. I am a terrible worrier and knew I would worry and get upset about everything. I worry enough about our nieces and nephews!

We were also worried about would it might do to our relationship. Just before we got married 3 different people (my gran, our best man's gran and a neighbour) said if we wanted to stay as happy as we were not to have children. We have been married 45 years and are very happy and still very much in love. Of course we may well have felt that way with children but all the couples we know who are childfree seem to be very happy and all have been married at least 25 years and all on first marriages. In contrast, most of the couples we know with children are divorced (some more than once) and lots of them say they regret having children

So, so glad. I love kids and used to work with them, adore my nephews. Could not be more relieved that I haven't brought more children into the world, that I haven't passed my shit onto any children, and that I don't have to clear up and do all the sleepless nights etc.

Why on earth would I be angry that you guys are happy/relieved not to have children - I don’t know any of you so why would I give a shit about that? What I was saying is that it was the wrong place to gloat. Oh and this thread was not on private, I didn’t go looking for it - it was set to active and why the hell can I not have my opinion just because you don’t agree with it??!! Here I stay as a Mum on Mumsnet

Nobody is 'gloating'. You have imagined this.

You do come across as just a tad pissed off. It would have been on active if people are commenting. The OP doesnt set that. You and other people with kids trying to make points that dont apply are just producing more traffic on the thread.

I just don’t understand why you would see it as gloating if you are happy to be a mother. Nor do I understand why you are getting offended on behalf of a hypothetical group of people who would be unlikely to read this thread.

I am done being polite. I am pretty confident Sunflower was here before under different name doing same shit.

No one sets threads to private or active. It literally says on active above the title which topic it is in. It's not that hard and anyone with basic reading skill can figure out which topic thread is in.

I also do not for the love of god understand why everyone is still interacting with them and derailing further as was imho a goal

That’s too fucking bad if you still don’t think that MN is the place for it because we’re still going to discuss it, no matter how much you tantrum and stamp your feet and whine and complain and make everything on a section of MN that’s decidedly not about you all about you and your hurty feelings. You sound like one of those insufferable people who feel the need to make everyone’s posts rotate back to you. The kind of person who posts when someone is talking about how cruel and neglectful their Father was to them that they should be grateful to have a Father because they still wish that they had theirs. The kind who berates someone who is being forced to consider a TFMR because they have a child with special needs and are outraged because they’d never consider a termination for that reason or they have infertility issues and are disgusted that people are terminating when they’d love to have a child. The posters that shame struggling Mothers of newborns and toddlers because they dare to complain about how overwhelmed they are when they’d be grateful to have a child and would never complain. Yes they’re entitled to their feelings and their pain/suffering may be genuine but it isn’t other people’s role to take those feelings and that pain into consideration when discussing their own lives, situations and decisions because it’s their life and not about some random offended stranger who has no involvement or part in their world.

I have a friend who is a little older than me who never had a boyfriend until last year. She’d accepted that she’d never have a partner or family. Now she’s pregnant and getting married next year. We met for coffee and she excitedly told me about her pregnancy and impending wedding. I have no kids and I’m single by choice. Not once did it occur to me that she was gloating about her pregnancy and impending marriage because we made different choices. I thought that she was happy and excited and I was(And am) very happy for her. But no according to your logic, apparently she was boasting and gloating and I should be offended that she was celebrating a decision that I wouldn’t choose to make. Obviously it was a personal dig at me and not just her celebrating something that is right and positive for her.

I see @SunflowersandSangria is continuing to demonstrate the famous empathy that all mothers have by dint of giving birth (sarcasm just to be clear)

I think you are right. It does seem a familiar MO