Second choice for Christmas

[Happyhettie]

Hi,

I invited my parents for Christmas and they accepted which was lovely and we (DH and I) were looking forward to it, started getting food in etc

My parents have told me that they’d rather spend it with my brother, SIL and their children. So if they invite them, then they’ll go there and cancel us. My DB and SIL are always very last minute so this could be as late as Christmas Eve.

I really do understand that children are excited about Christmas and it’s magical so they’d want to be with them but I’m really quite hurt by it. We’re child free by choice.

If my brother doesn’t invite them for Christmas then how am I supposed to cook dinner / have them over knowing they don’t actually want to be here? Feeling really shit.
I know this isn’t AIBU but am I BU because I’m hurt? Or is this how it is if you don’t have children and I just need to get a grip?

Do they have form for this sort of thing? Have you said flat out I find it hurtful that you see me as second best.

This is really sad for you.

Could you invite your brother and family to your place? You'd be the bigger person.

It's not kind of your parents to take this attitude but if you were all together it might be fun.

Very rude of them. YANBU.

I'm sorry to hear this OP.

PIL did the same to us before we had children - two years running! They had accepted our invitation to join us for Christmas, and then decided to spend it with BIL and SIL and their children instead.

I did understand their reasoning, up to a point, but I did feel let down and genuinely disappointed because we enjoyed their company. After the second time it did change my how I felt about our relationship if I'm honest.

You are not being at all unreasonable. Their behaviour is very rude and hurtful. I would be inclined to tell them you need a definite answer either way by this weekend to plan for food shopping (and you need that answer regardless of whether they have clarification from your brother). Or, I would say it’s clear you would prefer to be with brother and his family so we are now going to make our own plans. I just wouldn’t want them there any more knowing I was the back up option.

DB and SIL wouldn’t want to come here on Christmas Day, they’d want to be at home. I’ve been told before that our house isn’t “child friendly”. Which it isn’t because it’s only the 2 of us and it’s only small. Not so small that people wouldn’t fit in if they actually wanted to.

I did say to my parents it was hurtful but they just said they’d want to see the children if they had the opportunity to as it’s Christmas. They live 45mins away and my parents don’t see them much.
I sort of get it but I’m feeling rubbish about being a back up plan. Thing is (and I know this sounds daft) but I’d feel bad if my parents were on their own at Christmas. My brother does his own thing and that’s acceptable but it’s different rules for me.

Sorry, should have said thank you for your replies everyone too - nice to know I’m not being unreasonable. I always feel like I am!

Actually I've just remembered, the second time it happened we had actually had a baby of our own! But we still got bumped in favour of BILs family because their children were a bit older and so they would "get" Christmas and it would be more special etc. Charming!

That’s so rude! Bad enough you being second choice but not your baby.
It does make you look at people differently. It’s sad.

This is normal

Do you mean it’s normal to be told they’re waiting to see if they get a better offer?
Or to want to spend Christmas with children?

I'd uninvited them.

I would ask for a definite answer as to whether they are joining you by Friday. It’s unreasonable for you to be told last minute because you will need to prepare etc. Can you give them a deadline? It’s difficult and hurtful if you know they don’t really want to spend Christmas with you and are only doing so because they haven’t had an offer from your brother. It creates friction and causes a bad atmosphere. I can understand why you are upset.

Who invites people for Christmas on Christmas Eve? That's bizarre.

Your parents are very rude saying they'd cancel on you at the last minute if they got what they consider to be a better offer.

That is unbelievably shitty of them. I’d be absolutely gobsmacked.

If it were me I would be promptly inviting them. Children are no excuse to treat their own child so poorly.

That's incredibly rude of them. I'd univite

I can’t imagine doing this to my children, how horrid. I would cancel and enjoy a special day yourselves.

I would rescind the invitation.

‘Given you’re not able to make a decision, we’ve decided to make our own plans. We can meet up one of the days around ‘Twixmas’. Have a lovely day!’

Learn to stand up for yourself. Don't faff around allowing yourself to be a back up option on Christmas Eve.

Give your parents a clear choice to make now, today. They are invited to your home for Christmas.

They can turn down your invitation and go elsewhere - all good.
They can accept your invitation and turn up - all good.
If they accept your invitation but don't turn up - you will not invite them again.

That is awful. I'd cut my losses and disinvite them now.

This! This is awful. YANBU at all.

how did it come up that they'd actually bail on you last minute if they got what they consider a better offer? What did you say?

honestly I'd uninvite them on the basis you can't actually plan anyway.

That is cruel. Un invite them and make other plans. Let them spend the day on their own.

Don’t be upset with your brother for not bringing kids to yours. If a family with young kids wants to spend Christmas Day at home it needs to be respected.

Is there any reason you can’t all go to your brothers?

I wouldn't put up with this - it's just rude. You need to clearly state your boundaries ("You need to give us a final answer as to whether you're coming to ours for Xmas - by the 18th Dec - or we'll be making alternative plans").
If it means they end up on their own, well that's on them, don't feel guilty about it!
Just don't put up with people treating you like this.

Change your plans and just have Christmas with your DH. Your parents have chosen your brother and family over you. I’ve had similar done to me for most of my life, I’m now NC/LC.

I haven't seen my parents at Christmas for 21 years, as a child free person. They prefer to spend it with my brother and his now 21 and 18 year old.

I'm very grateful ☺️