Second choice for Christmas

[Happyhettie]

Hi,

I invited my parents for Christmas and they accepted which was lovely and we (DH and I) were looking forward to it, started getting food in etc

My parents have told me that they’d rather spend it with my brother, SIL and their children. So if they invite them, then they’ll go there and cancel us. My DB and SIL are always very last minute so this could be as late as Christmas Eve.

I really do understand that children are excited about Christmas and it’s magical so they’d want to be with them but I’m really quite hurt by it. We’re child free by choice.

If my brother doesn’t invite them for Christmas then how am I supposed to cook dinner / have them over knowing they don’t actually want to be here? Feeling really shit.
I know this isn’t AIBU but am I BU because I’m hurt? Or is this how it is if you don’t have children and I just need to get a grip?

If the person posted accurately and said ILs had chosen to go to the house they'd first accepted an invitation to no one should be saying anything like this. You honour the first invite you accepted and I'd never make any of my DC feel second best like this.

That's horrible behaviour of your parents OP but I'm not surprised. The adult child with children is mostly always prioritised

That is so hurtful. What your mum could have done is at least immediately ask your brother if they are invited so she could have confirmed very quickly. I would assume they are not coming and think about what you'd like to do if just the two of you, otherwise if you assume they are coming you might not be able to do what you'd want as a two - so if that would be going out for lunch, see if there is a table somewhere etc. Then just let your parents know that it is getting too close to Christmas to not know what is happening so you've made other plans so they don't have to feel bad about going to your brother's.

@Hippiedippy i think it really depends on the family tbh. DH’s parents prioritize his childfree sister- we invite all of them to us every year, but she won’t use a dog sitter for her two large dogs.

Strangely, it’s ok for us to leave our dog with a sitter when we visit them! 😂. We’re staying at home this year anyway.

I wouldn't ask for a definite answer. Id just retract my invertation.Leaving them free to visit other family

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate your opinions.

My parents very much feel that we should all fall in with what he wants to do and when and if I say I want to do something different I’m seen as being awkward / selfish and told that’s how I am. I very much doubt my mum has ever said the same to him.

He compartmentalises things (ie family) and very much waits to see if there’s a better offer from friends and he’s always been the same and allowed to do it.

I am just really tired of it now. Boundaries are being put in place and I have said no to a couple of things since first posting. I’m still really hurt though!

Thinking on it Op, it's weird how it's OK for you and your DH to have Christmas just the two of you but if your DPs do it's them being left alone, sad day just them. Why is it sad for them but not for you?

I feel it would be sad for them, haven’t thought about it for me and DH (and quite honestly I wouldn’t be bothered if it was just us on Christmas Day, we get on v well and we’ve had Christmas Day on our own before and it was lovely.

I don’t know how my parents would feel about it if they were invited and we weren’t. They’d go I think because it’s their grandchildren. I think they probably want us all together though - in an ideal world.

I’d coordinate with your brother directly to get the clarity. And yes, it’s not ok for your parents to treat you like that even if they would prefer to spend the time with the grandchildren - but at the same time if they are otherwise nice then just let it go and just sort things out with your brother about which Christmas they want to have the parents and which is you guys?

Wish it was that easy! My brother won’t answer the question. He pointedly ignores being asked directly. It’s always the same. We only communicate via text, he won’t speak on the phone. It’s really hard work.

And there’s more to it than just this. Posting on here has made me realise that. Like I’ve said in previous posts, it’s totally different expectations for me and him and I’ve been told I’m awkward / selfish in the past (more than once) and then there’s the passive aggressive comments etc so I question how I feel - I feel like I’m being unreasonable.

I’m sorry OP - you can’t always pick your family - you can only control how you are with them. Insane that your brother can’t communicate over something so basic.

Really horrible and also plain rude of them - understandable to be hurt OP. Sure they want to see their grandchildren but it's incredibly rude to treat you like that. At least they should be honest and refuse your invitation saying they'd rather be free to go to your brother's. If your brother can't coordinate I would just invite them every other year and if they continually no-show or cancel last minute, downgrade the invite to a drink or coffee (ie something where you don't have to get loads in). People without kids are often made to feel selfish for having wants or needs anyway, and it sounds like your family take that to the extreme - which has made you feel like you're unreasonable. You're absolutely not!

Thank you for your responses. It’s really giving me a clear view of how weird the dynamic is. I really thought it must be me! And it would have been ok if it was, I would have known to get my arse in gear and sort myself out. Whereas now I need to get my arse in gear and sort myself out but in a different way…

Your message has been really playing on my mind today @Mukey, that’s really sad. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it would be to want children and not have them. Your PIL don’t sound very nice at all Xxx

The way you are being treated by your parents is awful OP - I’m really sorry. Rejection like that really hurts. I agree with the many posts saying to uninvite them - you are worth so much more than being someone’s second choice.

i have a similar situation to @Mukey (and big hug to you too Mukey - this sort of stuff is proper shit). Me and DH are childless not by choice. In the 14 years we have been together we have never been invited to his DPs for Xmas, nor will they come to ours. They always have to spend it with either DHs sister and her kids or dhs brother and his kids (it’s also the same for his parents birthdays and Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day too). It’s really upsetting for DH. I just don’t understand why parents dont want to celebrate Christmas with all their adult children’s families, regardless of each families size/ child status, and just spend a year at each - or at least offer to! It is the fairest solution.
i personally find it insulting that my in-laws don’t want to spend Christmas with us simply because we cannot have children - I don’t know how stuff like this can be interpreted any other way apart from ‘you are less worthy of our time at Christmas because you don’t have children’.

Have you spoken to them, OP?

@TheBluntTurtle I’m really sorry to hear that too. It’s really awful and incredibly hurtful.

Yesterday my brother and SIL invited us all over for Christmas Day. So that’s where we’re all going. It will be fun seeing little ones all excited but I am also aware we’re doing it to keep the peace but that’s my choice.

Before anyone thinks I’m a bit pathetic (which I admit I am, I don’t like atmospheres but I don’t want to be walked over any more) I have put some boundaries in place already. We’re not driving my parents there (they haven’t asked but some hints have been dropped which I am ignoring, before I would have picked up on them) and I have said no to over night babysitting on NYE. And no I don’t have any plans to go out. And yes they think I’m being unreasonable but I want to sit on my sofa and watch Joolz Holland and get slowly drunk on Baileys and Prosecco with DH.

This happened quite a few times with my husband's Mother (MIL) - we invited her foŕ Christmas and so many times, she cancelled last minute to spend it with DH's brother who has 2 kids.

So we stopped inviting her.

The kids are now teenagers and not bothered by Christmas, she doesn't get invited there anymore, and I refuse to invite her.

She's now moaning about spending Christmas alone - I give no shits.

Cancelling last minute I think is so rude. I couldn’t see that it was for my parents to do that to me (I can now though…) but it’s glaringly obvious when someone else says it. People really don’t think through their actions.

I really appreciated everyone’s support last
year. I was feeling so sad about it all and due to lots of ongoing things, I really did wonder if it was just me being unreasonable. I had an awful lot to think about about and I really have thought about everything that was said.

I’ve had some counselling and I have put in boundaries. I’m not such a push over and I’m worth more than being second best.

So….. it’s a whole year later and guess what? It’s exactly the same scenario as previous years. My parents are waiting for the prodigal son and my SIL to “decide what they are doing for Christmas.” I don’t get why my parents don’t realise that they are organised - they always are but they wait to see if there’s a better option too.

But the major difference to last year is that I don’t actually care. I don’t care why anyone is doing.
I’ve not invited my parents to Christmas and I’ve given my brother a deadline of Sunday 14th. It would be lovely to spend Christmas together and see the children but I’m not waiting around forever. After that we’re doing our own thing and we’ll see my family sometime over the festive period.

If we are going to theirs, I need to sort out what food / drinks we’re taking with us etc and if we’re not, then we need to get ourselves organised here.

My husband only has a couple of days off so if their plans don’t fit in with ours that’s just tough.

So thank you to everyone for your support. I obviously still feel sad I’m second choice / not deemed ‘good enough’ etc but I have boundaries in place and it’s their loss.

Good for you OP!

It's brilliant that you have helped yourself to be better equipped to deal with this rather odd family dynamic. I think most families have something that challenges! The deadline is genius and not inviting your parents too, you know that they'll probably be going to your DBs anyway I guess, so why put yourself through the torture of wondering?

I must say though as a DGP myself, I feel for your Parents in this too. Having a DS who doesn't encourage a relationship with his parents and himself and his own family and children is sad. I imagine your Mum in particular is just waiting for any crumbs your DB will throw at them and then she will of course be grateful. Your DB will one day probably feel guilty about the lack of time he and his DCs spent with your parents but that is for him to navigate.

Sounds like you have this year sorted though so well done! Wishing you and your DH a Merry Christmas and a drunken NY - assuming you haven't agreed to babysitting this year!

Thanks @biscuitscake

I totally agree - it is really sad. The crumbs thing is exactly that. My parents (my mum in particular) wait for any little snippet of anything and then jump at the chance. It’s really sad. They used to look after the children whilst my brother and SIL went to work but as soon as the kids were in school and they weren’t useful any more, they were dropped.

Problem is he’s always been allowed to do whatever he wants whenever he wants with no regard for anyone else. He’s never been held to any of the expectations I have, he treats everyone like crap and yet he’s the prodigal son / golden child / chosen one. And they don’t want to say anything to him that will upset him.

Babysitting is not happening as far as I know. I’m happy to babysit but I need some notice, not as it has been on a Thursday being asked if I can go and stay that weekend all weekend whilst they swan off. I’m not being used any more.

Christmas to you too! I hope it’s a good one filled with lovely things.

Good for you OP! It’s awful being second best, especially to the sibling who has children who you are expected to work around. I hope whatever you end up doing you have a great Christmas. And thank you for starting this thread last year - it helped me knowing it wasn’t just parents/ in laws who treated me and DH like this x

I am not inviting my parents ever again for this very reason. My stepsister is pregnant (she already has two stepchildren) so they will probably go there every year now and I did not miss the subtle dig when my Mum said 'its so nice to have children around at Christmas again!' Clearly it won't be nice to spend Christmas with her daughter cos there are no kids. Even my brother os waiting to see what they are doing cos if they go away he will be expected to cat-sit. He'd rather spend Christmas alone with a cat than come and have some adult company with us.

I'd be rescending the invitation completely. They can fucking well spend it alone. If they preferred choice doesn't invite them.