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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

Second choice for Christmas

127 replies

Happyhettie · 16/12/2024 21:00

Hi,

I invited my parents for Christmas and they accepted which was lovely and we (DH and I) were looking forward to it, started getting food in etc

My parents have told me that they’d rather spend it with my brother, SIL and their children. So if they invite them, then they’ll go there and cancel us. My DB and SIL are always very last minute so this could be as late as Christmas Eve.

I really do understand that children are excited about Christmas and it’s magical so they’d want to be with them but I’m really quite hurt by it. We’re child free by choice.

If my brother doesn’t invite them for Christmas then how am I supposed to cook dinner / have them over knowing they don’t actually want to be here? Feeling really shit.
I know this isn’t AIBU but am I BU because I’m hurt? Or is this how it is if you don’t have children and I just need to get a grip?

OP posts:
CautiousLurker01 · 17/12/2024 08:16

Happyhettie · 17/12/2024 08:05

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. I did wonder if I was just being odd feeling upset about it and if that was the norm.

I don’t know what I want really because I’ve been called selfish in the past for saying what I want to do if it doesn’t fit in with what my mum wants, so I never know if I’m being unreasonable or not. I question myself all the time and try and keep everyone happy (which hasn’t worked for the last ……. many years but hope springs eternal!) I hate an atmosphere but I just seem to get it wrong all the time.

I totally get them wanting to see their grandchildren opening their presents etc at Christmas and they don't often see them (unless it’s someone’s birthday or my DB needs something)

Lots to think about and how I need to assert some boundaries. I do feel really hurt and thank you for letting me vent and your opinions.
I can’t speak to anyone in real life - it’s too embarrassing and I feel rubbish knowing I’m disposable for want of a better word.

Am so sorry to read this - your parents have not been kind to you, have they? I know it’s a MN thing, but I really would go low contact with her. Having had a toxic relationship with my mother, I found my life and self esteem rocketed when I did that.

It is absolutely not selfish to a) want to know if someone is coming for lunch or b) to be deeply fucking hurt that they’ve told you they are holding out for a better offer. In a marriage, this would come under emotional abuse and we’d be telling to LTB.

I truly would just tell her she is not invited any more and go and have a magical romantic Christmas with your partner. Your boundaries should involve being respected, valued and prioritised. She is utterly out of order and you deserve better.

Tiredandfrazzledmum · 17/12/2024 08:17

Happyhettie · 16/12/2024 21:51

Do you mean it’s normal to be told they’re waiting to see if they get a better offer?
Or to want to spend Christmas with children?

Def not normal to say you are waiting for a better offer! It's fucking rude.

If I were you, I would just cancel on them anyway. Even if no better offer comes along for them. Might make them think about their actions! Plan a lovely day for you and you husband

PastaAndProse · 17/12/2024 08:34

How will they ever learn to take you seriously OP unless you stop letting them treat you like a mug? Remove their back up option and be prepared to follow through even if your DB doesn't invite them. Perhaps if they find themselves sat alone at home on Christmas Day instead of enjoying a nice meal where they would have been welcome at yours, the message will start to sink in.

I say this from experience, unfortunately. DH is one of 3 and has spent his whole life playing second fiddle to his DB and DS, with both of his parents openly favouring them. That is, until we decided we just weren't going to tolerate it anymore. Far happier now being very low contact with them.

AudiobookListener · 17/12/2024 08:36

The people being unreasonable here are your brother and SIL, leaving your poor parents dangling! I'd be the bigger person and provide the backup.

PastaAndProse · 17/12/2024 08:40

AudiobookListener · 17/12/2024 08:36

The people being unreasonable here are your brother and SIL, leaving your poor parents dangling! I'd be the bigger person and provide the backup.

It doesn't sound like they're leaving anyone dangling. They're just disorganised/last minute people. Which is fine, but if OPs parents want to hang on for a potential last minute invitation from them, it's incredibly disrespectful to their other DC to leave them waiting. There's being the bigger person and then there's being walked all over.

Notonthestairs · 17/12/2024 08:41

Nobody wants to spend year after year being the back up choice. And if you treat people like that then you should expect them to push back on it.

Yes the brother and SIL should ideally organise themselves in advance.

But that doesn't mean that the OP's parents don't hold any responsibility for their own actions.

1apenny2apenny · 17/12/2024 08:43

Is your brother the golden child? Does your father just say/do anything to please your mother and woe betide anyone who dare upset her? Sounds familiar!!

They are very very rude OP and you sound lovely. I agree with other posters, I would be rescinding the invitation and I would never invite them for Christmas again.

I wonder if they'll start to lean on you for help as they get older? ......

Mukey · 17/12/2024 08:47

We have similar here @Happyhettie
My husband and I don’t have children (not through choice) and his siblings all do. When we first got our own place he really wanted to have them up for Christmas as he’d never hosted and wanted to show off the house etc. Despite the fact they’ve spent the past 10 years with various grandchildren he was told no they’d rather see the grandkids and MAYBE they’d pop up in between Christmas and New Year. He offered the next year instead. Was still no. They’ve pretty much said they will not be spending any Christmas days with him for the foreseeable future.

christmascracker123 · 17/12/2024 09:26

snowlady4 · 16/12/2024 22:38

Terrible behaviour by your parents. Even if they do get their preferred last minute invitation, surely they say, "we are already going to xyz for Christmas lunch but would love to see the children- can we come to you for a morning visit before we head on for lunch?" Or something similar.
Very poor manners and I think you should tell them that.

Absolutely what @snowlady4 says. I can understand the pull to want to see GC at Christmas but pop in for a quick mince pie and then go to the daughter who has planned and put effort in to see you. Very rude and must be upsetting for you OP.

another1bitestheduck · 17/12/2024 09:35

PastaAndProse · 17/12/2024 08:34

How will they ever learn to take you seriously OP unless you stop letting them treat you like a mug? Remove their back up option and be prepared to follow through even if your DB doesn't invite them. Perhaps if they find themselves sat alone at home on Christmas Day instead of enjoying a nice meal where they would have been welcome at yours, the message will start to sink in.

I say this from experience, unfortunately. DH is one of 3 and has spent his whole life playing second fiddle to his DB and DS, with both of his parents openly favouring them. That is, until we decided we just weren't going to tolerate it anymore. Far happier now being very low contact with them.

Edited

This.
If you act like a doormat don't be surprised when people step on you.

They are behaving incredibly rudely and cruelly.

I would honestly just say "you really hurt my feelings when you said you'd be happy to dump us last minute to see DBs family. DH and I have discussed and its not practical for me to not know whether I'm cooking for 2 or 4 until Christmas eve, so we've decided to book a meal out for the two of us on Christmas day instead, so you can tell DB you're free to come to him or do whatever else you want. Let me know if you want to meet up at some point between Christmas and New year."

And then be prepared to go low contact and seriously think about how they've treated you in the past and what you want your relationship to be in the future.

Who cares if they end up alone for christmas? They have only themselves to blame. they obviously arent bothered about you and DH potentially being alone at christmas so whats the difference?

Presumably there's a reason they don't see much of their grandkids...

Christmaseason · 17/12/2024 09:37

You parents are being really unreasonable.

another1bitestheduck · 17/12/2024 09:40

AudiobookListener · 17/12/2024 08:36

The people being unreasonable here are your brother and SIL, leaving your poor parents dangling! I'd be the bigger person and provide the backup.

Why are they leaving them dangling?
Perhaps they have no intention of inviting the grandparents and ops parents are hanging on desperately hoping for an invite that is not going to come. op says they don't see much of the grandkids because they live 45 mins away- but that's no distance if they had a good relationship. Perhaps they are as shit parents to the DB (or as rude to the SIL) as they are to OP and that's why they don't see much of their grandkids and they don't want to invite them for Christmas!

flowersintheatticus · 17/12/2024 09:41

I get that this is hurtful for you, and I also get why they want to see their dgc on the day. Imagine the thread on here if someone said they invited their MIL for dinner and she declined and went to her childfree dd instead. The message would very much be that they don't care about their dgc and there would be lots of 'tell them not to expect the dgc to visit them in their care home in 20 years'.

Mukey · 17/12/2024 09:57

flowersintheatticus · 17/12/2024 09:41

I get that this is hurtful for you, and I also get why they want to see their dgc on the day. Imagine the thread on here if someone said they invited their MIL for dinner and she declined and went to her childfree dd instead. The message would very much be that they don't care about their dgc and there would be lots of 'tell them not to expect the dgc to visit them in their care home in 20 years'.

What if grandparents have multiple grandchildren who live spread out? They can’t see them all on the day. So the same rules apply surely? The grandparents take turns at who they go and see. This year it’s Bob and kids. Next year Sarah and kids. Next year it’s just Steve and his wife. Why isn’t this allowed? Why should Steve never get to see his parents at Christmas? The grandchildren should be taught why the grandparents are taking turns.

Why as part of an infertile couple should my husband be shunned by his own parents every single year?

Notonthestairs · 17/12/2024 09:58

I don't think anyone would criticise the grandparents for sticking by their plans - there's nothing to suggest they can't visit them earlier/day before/day afterwards.

It's one thing friends being flakey. But you'd expect your parents to treat you with a little more respect.

lionloaf · 17/12/2024 10:21

Uninvite them. You can’t be expected to spend a fortune on Christmas food in case they decide to grace you with their presence. They aren’t coming to you, as they are waiting on another invitation. If it doesn’t arrive, they can make their own dinner. You are NOT a back up plan.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/12/2024 10:41

There's a bit of sexism going on here Op. It's OK for your DB to invite them last minute and not bring his DC to see them much, as the girl in the family you're supposed to always say yes. There's no profit in being a people pleaser, your DPs don't value you more because you do what's expected.
You need more practise saying No Op, wouldn't now be a good time to start

Original poster
Happyhettie · 17/12/2024 10:55

flowersintheatticus · 17/12/2024 09:41

I get that this is hurtful for you, and I also get why they want to see their dgc on the day. Imagine the thread on here if someone said they invited their MIL for dinner and she declined and went to her childfree dd instead. The message would very much be that they don't care about their dgc and there would be lots of 'tell them not to expect the dgc to visit them in their care home in 20 years'.

I know. Totally can see that side too. That’s what makes me feel like I am unreasonable to feel hurt and wanted other people’s opinions. It’s not that I don’t want them to see their grandchildren - they don’t see them much at all, it’s the way it was said. It’s a ‘you’ll do unless we get a better offer’ (those exact words weren’t said but that’s what it means).

I think it’s the whole prodigal son thing that upsets me. There’s more to it than just this comment. Like I said earlier, I have a lot to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyhettie · 17/12/2024 10:57

Daleksatemyshed · 17/12/2024 10:41

There's a bit of sexism going on here Op. It's OK for your DB to invite them last minute and not bring his DC to see them much, as the girl in the family you're supposed to always say yes. There's no profit in being a people pleaser, your DPs don't value you more because you do what's expected.
You need more practise saying No Op, wouldn't now be a good time to start

I have wondered that. Completely different expectations for both of us. Interesting you’ve said that.

Edited for shocking spelling

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 17/12/2024 11:03

Child free and my mum goes to my DSis who has kids.

yipyipyop · 17/12/2024 11:04

You're not unreasonable to feel hurt. It's blatant favouritism. Definitely give them a deadline of the weekend to decide.

Brefugee · 17/12/2024 11:07

So, OP, have you decided?

Oreyt · 17/12/2024 11:13

My mum wouldn't want to have CD with just my brother and his wife or my sister who are all mid 40s and CF by choice.

She wants to spend it with her grandchildren and children so we always have it together.

My siblings used to enjoy seeing my kids at Christmas.

Oreyt · 17/12/2024 11:14

Sorry I should have said I understand your feelings but is there a reason you can't all be together?

Lottapianos · 17/12/2024 11:15

'I question myself all the time and try and keep everyone happy (which hasn’t worked for the last ……. many years but hope springs eternal!) I hate an atmosphere but I just seem to get it wrong all the time.'

I have a very similar experience with my family. I never feel like I get anything 'right' and always feel like an outsider. The hope that things might change is what kills you, and it's very very painful to let go of. As you say, you have a lot of thinking to do. I was in therapy for a long time and it helped me to understand myself and start to assert myself rather than wait to be picked up and put down again. I can't make my family happy so I make my own decisions about what is best, and there is some guilt in there but it's manageable

Practically, you need to tell your parents that you want an answer by the end of tomorrow, or end of the week, or some definite date that works for you. Stringing you along like this is absolutely not acceptable. Sending you a hug, this stuff really hurts