Second choice for Christmas

[Happyhettie]

Hi,

I invited my parents for Christmas and they accepted which was lovely and we (DH and I) were looking forward to it, started getting food in etc

My parents have told me that they’d rather spend it with my brother, SIL and their children. So if they invite them, then they’ll go there and cancel us. My DB and SIL are always very last minute so this could be as late as Christmas Eve.

I really do understand that children are excited about Christmas and it’s magical so they’d want to be with them but I’m really quite hurt by it. We’re child free by choice.

If my brother doesn’t invite them for Christmas then how am I supposed to cook dinner / have them over knowing they don’t actually want to be here? Feeling really shit.
I know this isn’t AIBU but am I BU because I’m hurt? Or is this how it is if you don’t have children and I just need to get a grip?

Could you invite your brother too?

My sister had us over last year and will this year and she doesn't want kids either.

The message I’m seeing here is that the parents care more about their son’s children then their actual daughter.

My MILs reply to me inviting her to Xmas dinner was...I will wait and see if Susan (OH sister) invites me .
I said ok but let us know soon...she didnt

So she went to Susans and we never invited her again (though there were other reasons also)
we both have kids.

Its hurtful OP but don't be a mug

That's so hurtful. They could just go to your brother's in the morning or evening and split the day, if they do end up being invited.

I'd be inclined to say something like "I understand your reasons for prefering to spend Xmas with DB, but it's left me feeling very low and we've decided to just have Xmas by ourselves this year. Let's catch up after Boxing day."

Or even better "DH is taking me away for Xmas to cheer me up".

I am super petty though.

It absolute isn't.

OP, I would tell them now that they are welcome to come to.yoi but you need to know now so you can plan. If they'd like to decline your invite in the hope they get one elsewhere they can do that, but you aren't their safety net and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

They can stick or gamble but they might lose

What a shit thing to do OP. I have adult DDs, neither have children yet, but I wouldn't dream of behaving like this even if one of them did. Spend it with your DH and have a lovely day. Don't feel guilty if your parents are on their own, that's completely their own doing.

I wouldn't do this to a friend or even a neighbour, let alone my own daughter 😡

That's not how it is though, is it? They have accepted an invite. Now they say they would rather be somewhere else but they haven't been invited there!

If the thread said they had invited their mil at the very last minute AFTER they already had a fixed plan to be with their daughter, the answers would not be at all as you say. They'd be told "you should have invited her before Xmas week, it's your fault they are not seeing your children!"

I think you know that

Thing is @Oreyt the Ops DB doesn't invite her, she and her DH can't just turn up and their DC will want to stay at home with their toys so won't want to go to the Ops house. I think in @Happyhettie s place I'd draw the line at hosting the whole family, just to see my DPs, when I knew the only reason that came was because their DGC would be there.

This is horrible OP, and YDANBU. I've not had the same, but similar-ish from my DM - her H didn't like me very much and I don't have DCs as a carrot to visit, they were happy to spend Christmas alone together, or with his family, or go to DBs 'to see the children', but any invite to visit me at any time of year was always met with a ridiculous excuse as to why they couldn't come (I stayed in my Uni town after graduating and they visited ONCE in 17 years, and that was when I got married). In the end I gave up and stopped asking, and just got on with it, spent the day with partners, friends, once or twice at DBs, and then with DH. Never spent Christmas with her once I left home. And then when he passed away a few years ago, she was very surprised that I said no to her inviting herself to spend Christmas with me and DH every second year.

I'm glad you recognise you have a lot to think about OP, having some boundaries going forward will make you happier I think, especially if this kind of treatment runs through the rest of your relationship with them. I hope you tell them to sod off, and that you have a lovely Christmas :)

This is the perfect response

oh come on, you're completely misrepresenting this.

Firstly, it's not just a random 'dinner', it's Christmas dinner. If the parents wanted the GC involved they should have organised it beforehand. Most families decide what they are doing for Christmas well before the 17th of December!

Secondly, you are ignoring the fact that this is not a case of two invites issued at the same time, and the GP "choosing" someone else over their GC. It's the case of one invite issued well in advance and a second one that hasn't even, and might not, even be made!

Thirdly, any reasonable person would NEVER expect a grandparent to drop everything every time they invited them over, and if not assume they don't care about the GC. That's insane behaviour. Are grandparents not expected to have holidays, friends, hobbies, jobs, other family members? You'd have to be incredibly arrogant to think a last minute invite should trump any other commitments someone has already made.

Fourthly, nobody is saying the GP can't do both. Just that if they've committed to seeing OP for Christmas dinner, they should honour that. They can still go see the GC before dinner, after dinner, christmas eve, boxing day....and, again, if anyone in this equation is so bothered about seeing each other (grandparents or the brother/sil) why didn't any of them just COMMUNICATE like a normal family and ask each other what their plans are. It's not hard for the GP to say "We'd love to see the kids at Christmas, what works best for you?"

”…and they don't often see them (unless it’s someone’s birthday or my DB needs something)”

So basically everyone in the family except you treats each other like crap- they sound charming.

That's really awful!

This is the perfect response, OP. They are behaving terribly. I wouldn't give them an ultimatum or a window to choose. They've chosen. YANBU. Have a lovely day without any of this nonsense.

I'm curious where they normally go.

Giving a deadline of the weekend for them to decide is a good option although I’d be tempted to univite them now. How annoying are they, you can’t plan your food or day not knowing if you having guests or not. It’s really thoughtless of them, pure bad manners?

You’ve missed the post where OP said her brother & SIL don’t like coming to her house because it’s small and ‘not child friendly’, @Oreyt.

Oh my god sorry I must have 🙄🙄

No it isn't.

Wanting to spend Christmas with your grandchildren is normal.

Telling your daughter you'll expect her to host you at Christmas, but you reserve the right to bin her off if her bechilded brother ever gets round to inviting them to his is not normal.

It is bloody rude and entitled.

That’s so rude and unkind of them. Honestly, I wouldn’t bother setting a “one way or the other” deadline- if they were considering ditching you on Christmas Eve they’ll do it anyway, if it suits them. Withdraw the invitation and have a lovely day with the food and agenda you want. Fuck them.

What @BettyBardMacDonald said. Nip it in the bud now.

That’s disgusting behaviour from your parents, this would be the last year I’d invite them.

I wouldn’t be anyone’s second best.

Bless @Happyhettie that's horrible.

I hope you have uninvited them now. Faking a better offer of spending some time in the evening with friends conveniently appeared and you would prefer to do that would be entirely reasonable.

but that wouldn't be posted. What would be posted is "DH is a bit of a flake and only invited his parents for xmas on xmas eve. They had already been invited to Dh's sister's house for dinner and had accepted a while ago. But his sister doesn't have children so surely we should be the priority because we do. AIBU to think MIL just doesn't care about her grandchildren and if she did she'd have thrown over my sister in law for us?"

Anyone posting that would have their arse handed to them.

Some parents are like that. I got cut out of my parents' will in favour of my siblings because they've had children, as my parents don't want any of their money going outside of the family. They have a very clear preference for my siblings, who've done the proper thing, married-up and procreated.