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Original poster

Second choice for Christmas

127 replies

Happyhettie · 16/12/2024 21:00

Hi,

I invited my parents for Christmas and they accepted which was lovely and we (DH and I) were looking forward to it, started getting food in etc

My parents have told me that they’d rather spend it with my brother, SIL and their children. So if they invite them, then they’ll go there and cancel us. My DB and SIL are always very last minute so this could be as late as Christmas Eve.

I really do understand that children are excited about Christmas and it’s magical so they’d want to be with them but I’m really quite hurt by it. We’re child free by choice.

If my brother doesn’t invite them for Christmas then how am I supposed to cook dinner / have them over knowing they don’t actually want to be here? Feeling really shit.
I know this isn’t AIBU but am I BU because I’m hurt? Or is this how it is if you don’t have children and I just need to get a grip?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 16/12/2024 22:32

Uninvite them. Don't look back

Notonthestairs · 16/12/2024 22:37

No, it's not 'normal' to cancel your plans for Christmas because (in your mind) you got a better offer.
It's bloody rude.

snowlady4 · 16/12/2024 22:38

Terrible behaviour by your parents. Even if they do get their preferred last minute invitation, surely they say, "we are already going to xyz for Christmas lunch but would love to see the children- can we come to you for a morning visit before we head on for lunch?" Or something similar.
Very poor manners and I think you should tell them that.

PullTheBricksDown · 16/12/2024 22:45

snowlady4 · 16/12/2024 22:38

Terrible behaviour by your parents. Even if they do get their preferred last minute invitation, surely they say, "we are already going to xyz for Christmas lunch but would love to see the children- can we come to you for a morning visit before we head on for lunch?" Or something similar.
Very poor manners and I think you should tell them that.

This seems like a more practical approach anyway. Surely inviting them on Christmas Eve couldn't mean lunch because they wouldn't have bought enough food in. And the exciting bit with kids is the morning present opening - though can imagine your brother may see your parents as useful childcare while they get dinner ready (or the other way round)

They are being rude and insensitive. If you wanted to be generous, you could suggest they go to your brother's in the morning then come to you for lunchtime. But I would say that if they renege on that on the day, it will be the last Christmas invite and from here on they can sort themselves out.

redastherose · 16/12/2024 22:49

That's incredibly rude of your parents. I'd say,

'I'm glad you've told me now, I'm not going to be a back up plan for anyone so you had better make sure you get your own food in just in case xxxxxxx doesn't invite you and we will only be catering for ourselves now.'

'If you'd like to catch up another day please let me know'

you can add this if you feel generous!

I cannot bear bad manners and it is extremely bad manners to flake on an earlier accepted arrangement for a better offer.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/12/2024 22:53

If my parents suggested that (which obviously they wouldn't because who in real life would?) I would send back "🧐 Eh? That is rude! Make up your mind, are you in or out? Offer closes today".

Daleksatemyshed · 16/12/2024 22:54

If he never invites your DPs until Christmas Eve then your DB is either very flakey or it's a power play _ he likes that they drop you for him.
Give them a deadline Op, you don't want to shop for four then end up with food going to waste. In future I wouldn't invite them, if they can be rude then so can you

Stretchanoctave · 16/12/2024 22:55

How hurtful for you. I think I would tell them you have decided to go away for Christmas since you are clearly second best.

gavisconismyfriend · 16/12/2024 22:58

I’d let this year play out and, if they do come, I’d welcome them with good grace. However, this year would be it. I wouldn’t invite them again, ever.

Schoolchoicesucks · 16/12/2024 23:03

Wow, that's very hurtful. I could understand them being a bit vague if it was September and they had spent last Christmas with you and would like to see your DB and kids this year. But it's next week.

If you still want to see them, give your brother a call and ask if he is planning to invite your parents.
If you don't want to have them over now then tell them you've changed your food order as you didn't want it to go to waste and they should pop over on Xmas Eve/Boxing Day/whenever suits you for a mince pie and to exchange gifts.

I guess they don't see as much of their grandchildren as they would like to, but they need to understand that they are being very rude and inconsiderate to you.

Overpaidby20quid · 16/12/2024 23:06

I'd take the invite back. I'm sorry op, I hope you have a lovely Christmas anyway.

BettyBardMacDonald · 16/12/2024 23:09

Overpaidby20quid · 16/12/2024 23:06

I'd take the invite back. I'm sorry op, I hope you have a lovely Christmas anyway.

This. Don't dangle. Just say "we understand you want to remain available to them. We'll make other plans and see you in the new year."

HopingForTheBest25 · 16/12/2024 23:10

I also think you should rescind the invitation. Sometimes people need to have it explicitly pointed out to them, just how rude they are being,!
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got - it's time to let them know you are a person with thoughts and feelings and not just their back up plan!

CautiousLurker01 · 16/12/2024 23:19

Sorry they’ve be getting a text from me tonight:

“I’ve been reflecting on the fact you’d rather spend Christmas with DB/SIL, which we found deeply hurtful as well as utterly rude. We’ve decided we’d rather spend Christmas with people who genuinely love us and want to be with us, so please consider our invite rescinded.

Have a lovely Christmas, wherever you have it. See you in the New Year. Perhaps.”

and let them stew.

BTW have I’d have a bloody brilliant Christmas - go to the pub on Christmas eve, evensong in the local church is often really magical, go for a walk on Christmas day or eat your favourite foods, when you both want them, and veg out with your favourite feel good movies (new ones out this year: Red Santa with the Rock, Dear Santa with Jack Black, or even Carry On with Taran Egerton - a sort of revamp of Die Hard 2- all loads of fun!) …. and your parents? Fuck ‘em!

BruFord · 16/12/2024 23:20

I agree that you should give them a deadline. It's so rude to leave you dangling and expect you to get in all the food etc., only to possibly cancel at the last minute.

Another thought - could you call/text your brother and sort it out between you now? Then you can let your parents know what the plan is and perhaps your brother might realize that being so disorganized isn't fair on anyone.

It sounds as if it's time for you to assert yourself within the family and let everyone know that you're not going to be treated like this. I wouldn't dare do this in my family, there'd be major ructions (and rightly so)!

FlickeringFairyLight · 16/12/2024 23:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BettyBardMacDonald · 16/12/2024 23:41

Well said, @CautiousLurker01 !!!!

sprigatito · 16/12/2024 23:48

I think this is so hurtful I wouldn't be able to put a brave face on it. They're basically saying their grandchildren mean more to them than their actual child. It's weird and not normal at all. I would tell them you're nobody's Plan B and they can make their own bloody lunch if Golden Boy doesn't get his shit together and invite them.

Enough4me · 16/12/2024 23:49

I'd say, "as you need flexibility and deciding later we've decided to go out for the morning and not fuss over a big lunch, but you're welcome to pop in later if you're free after visiting the others". From now on tell them snippets of time that you'll be in, don't hold main times back for them.

RedHelenB · 16/12/2024 23:54

AyrshireTryer · 16/12/2024 21:53

I'd uninvited them.

This. Say you can't be getting food and drink in o the off chance they'll be coming to you.

FluDog · 17/12/2024 00:05

I'd be speaking to the brother to ask if they're planning on inviting parents.

If they're vague or non committal about it I'd be speaking to the parents to say I need to know by a certain date so I know how much food to buy.

If they're the same the invitation would be rescinded. I know you said you don't like the idea of them spending it alone, but they're only doing this because they know they can.

Anxioustealady · 17/12/2024 00:18

OP would you prefer to be just you and your DH? Because if so you're perfectly entitled to do that and I would take advantage of this situation to get it.

They won't be alone, at worst they have each other, and they manage to feed themselves every other day so don't worry about them.

pizzaHeart · 17/12/2024 00:32

it’s very hurtful and rude, you are absolutely entitled to be cross and withdraw the invitation. I agree with PPs that not replying to you in September before checking with your brother is one thing but now a week before Christmas is another. It’s fine that they want to see grandchildren if they haven’t seen them for quite a while but then they should sort this out and allow you to make your own plans.

I think your parents need to be reminded that you reap what you sow.

Original poster
Happyhettie · 17/12/2024 08:05

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. I did wonder if I was just being odd feeling upset about it and if that was the norm.

I don’t know what I want really because I’ve been called selfish in the past for saying what I want to do if it doesn’t fit in with what my mum wants, so I never know if I’m being unreasonable or not. I question myself all the time and try and keep everyone happy (which hasn’t worked for the last ……. many years but hope springs eternal!) I hate an atmosphere but I just seem to get it wrong all the time.

I totally get them wanting to see their grandchildren opening their presents etc at Christmas and they don't often see them (unless it’s someone’s birthday or my DB needs something)

Lots to think about and how I need to assert some boundaries. I do feel really hurt and thank you for letting me vent and your opinions.
I can’t speak to anyone in real life - it’s too embarrassing and I feel rubbish knowing I’m disposable for want of a better word.

OP posts:
User37482 · 17/12/2024 08:13

Honestly I would uninvite and have a cosy xmas with DH. You are allowing them to treat you like this by accommodating the behaviour. It’s really rude and extremely hurtful. Stop inviting them.