Why did you choose not to have children

[hotcoffeebeans]

Hi everyone just a random question really.
If you have never had kids by choice not because of anything else but you chose not to have any.
What was it that made you decide that motherhood was not for you.

I’ve just never wanted them and I was lucky enough to always know that and to be completely sure.

Hm am I allowed to answer? I did IVF with a previous partner and it didn't work. It might have - would probably have worked - if we'd kept going, or considered donor eggs or sperm or we could of course considered adoption.

I however decided I didn't want to become a mother at any cost and felt like I actively then chose to not pursue motherhood at that point.

I broke up with my DP and could of course pursue solo parenthood.

For me it's as much about the ethics and morals of doing that (I would never use donor sperm etc) as much as simply choosing a different path in life.

So I don't feel I am childless not by choice, but now at this point I am childfree partly by choice.

I decided after a lot of IVF and a strained relationship with my DP that in my 40s I didn't have what I would have wanted in myself to mother. I felt I could find other ways to be maternal if I chose. I have a job with purpose and do volunteering to add a bit of meaning to my life. And lots of fun and hobbies and interests. Lots of friend many of whom are childfree.

I didn't feel having a child was the be all and end all.

So I suppose I have decided not to have children because the path to do so would now likely to be long, arduous, painful, financially expensive... And I have a lovely life. I don't want to waste it on years of potential misery to ultimately not get what I want when I can actively pursue happiness and other things instead.

Not sure if that helps!

Ive always known im not the mother type i dont hate kids i just dont like them but below is a few things that i really did not want in my life.
I saw an episode of supper nanny and an episode of one born every minute no thank you.
Then watching the stress with my siblings having kids the tantrums teen years etc.
Having to not put me first having responsibility for 18 year.
I like to up and go when i want.
Plus just reading MN helps me think ive dodged a bullet.

I don't like children. They're loud, annoying, and they're gross with their dribbling and snot. The idea of having to clean up someone's vomit and shit repulses me 😂

Never wanted them.

I never wanted children in the same way as I never wanted to live in Guatemala or learn to play the tuba. It wasn't a 'decision not to' - it was never even a consideration.

Absolutely.
Forgot to add all this this to my post above.😁

I'm just not maternal, especially when it comes to babies and small children. Even with my nieces and nephews and close friends' kids, I love them, but I don't really enjoy being around them until they're at least 8 or 9 and can hold a decent conversation. And the teenage years look awful from the outside - I've never had an issue with my teen DNs (I think I'm not close enough for them to be arsey or sulky towards me) but my siblings have had some nightmares with them!

Also to be frank I can barely look after myself half the time! The thought of being completely responsible for this little person is terrifying 😳

Haha and this - another reason I keep my distance from siblings' and friends' kids until they're past the whinging/ tantrumming/ vomiting/ shitting/ snotty stage 😄

Those of you who don’t like children are lucky, I like children but when I speak to them or play with them etc I always get ‘oh see you’d be a great mum’ ‘oh you should definitely have kids!’ Etc. It puts me off spending time with kids which is a shame because I like kids, they always seem to like me and it often gives the parent(s) a break but the nagging gets worse when I do it!

The same happens with pets as well I love animals but don’t want my own pets and if I show any interest, stroke a dog or play with a cat etc I get a lecture about how I should get one 🙄

To be brutally honest, a lot of people judged me and called me selfish and the more I think about that word it’s probably true.

I love doing what I want, when I want, I love the attention my husband gives me ( and I to him if you ask him) I love our money is about making our lives more comfortable and better. Holidays and food both revolve around what we want and our weekends again about doing what we want when we want, I genuinely can’t be arsed with any aspect of parenthood from the early morning/no sleep to food choices, holiday restrictions and generally parental responsibility and schooling!

I have time to have my own life with family and friends and more importantly time to look after myself whether that’s physical or mental health and the older I get the more I appreciate that aspect of my choice

Me too.

I’m selfish. I love kids and have worked in childcare, but long term would not be a good mum/guardian/role model.

I wouldn’t cart them to their hobby of choice or sit at football pitches at 8am on Sunday. If they couldn’t be bothered to get up for school, I wouldn’t be forcing them or guiding them to go. I don’t want to have to suffer through a teenage emo phase.

I would want a child if they were a perfect accessory to me, didn’t want to skulk around the shopping centre with their friends in Nike tracksuits, and grew up independent, intelligent, balanced and confident without much of my help. I’m glad I recognise this is not achievable, so I will not have children.

Quite a few people saying they're selfish! Not sure if there's a non selfish reason to have children?!

First of all, OP, consider whether you would say to a parent "Why did you decide to have children,". You wouldn't, would you? There is still a belief that having children is expected, the norm. In fact, it's the biggest decision decision anyone can ever make in their life, so there should be lots of deliberation.

In my case, numerous reasons. But the reality is that having children would have been an emotional or biological or hormonal choice. Looked at objectively and practically, those kinds of impulses are simply not justifiable.

I couldn't think of anything worse than having an extra human to look after. I must admit it did appeal to me many years ago but as I've got older I've completely gone off it. The thought of going on holiday to places that are centred around kids activities fills with me dread. To be honest I've got a great life and we go on great holidays. I'm not prepared to sacrifice that for some snotty nosed crotch goblin. I do actually like kids, I love my niece and nephew but the thought of having a little full time freeloader fills me with dread.

Spot on.

Full time free loader made me chuckle

They really are a tiny cocklodgers aren’t they, they take all your money, food, time and sanity, and never leave you alone even after they’ve finally moved out 😆😆

Freaked out at thought of pregnancy and birth.

Miserable childhood and didnt think I had it in me to be a good mother.

Poor mental health and unsupportive husband.

Random question eh 🤔

I dont think there is nothing wrong with asking.

Personally I have a lot of medical issues and I don’t think it would be fair on any child because I couldn’t devote myself in the way a good mum should (this is my opinion on my circumstances - I’m not shitting on disabled mums, but it’s my personal circumstances I’m referring to. I spent 6 months as an inpatient in hospital recently, for example)

Additionally I wouldn’t want a child to inherit any of my numerous genetic medical issues and have to live the existance and pain that I do. I would never inflict that on anyone.

I love children and I’d have truly loved to be a mummy. It hurts me that I’m late 30s and know it’s not an option.

Not at all - it’s lovely to be able to talk about it without ‘oh but you’ll change your mind!!’ ‘You never know!’ ‘You’ve got time yet to think about it’

Nothing wrong with asking, but it's good etiquette to indicate why you want to know, a bit of context to the question.

So many new parents say something along the lines of "they never tell you how hard it is!" or "I knew it would be hard but nothing prepared me for this!"

Many, many people have told me how hard it is. I've watched most of my friends slide into post-natal depression or develop crippling social anxiety. My mum was always exhausted and riddled with guilt. It looks really fucking hard. I'm not arrogant (or blindly optimistic) enough to think I'll handle it any better than them. In fact I'd probably be worse.

That probably sounds sad but another way of spinning it is to say - I love my life as it is and I don't want anything to spoil it.

I’ve never felt the urge to. Also tbh I think most women still do most of the work and I’d worry I’d end up resenting my partner/husband for not pulling his weight whilst not being able to afford to leave and just end up miserable. I may end up miserable anyway but at least this way it might be easier to solve.