Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

312 replies

Dayatatime208 · 28/09/2023 11:40

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dayatatime208 · 28/09/2023 11:42

I also feel sad that I spent a lot of my late 20s and early 30s worrying about fertility and I never even got the chance to attempt to have a baby as I was never with someone who wanted that.

OP posts:
Bookshipper · 28/09/2023 11:47

Are these feelings making you generally sad, most of the time? Or is it a sort of low-key niggle?

I'd make a list of the things you have and enjoy and focus your energies on those. Life's too short to feel sad about the paths not taken.

Original poster
Dayatatime208 · 28/09/2023 11:50

@Bookshipper No, not enduring sadness, more of an on and off feeling I'd say and my 45th birthday is approaching...I think you're right about a list. And thank you for wise words. I'm going on holiday next week and taking the book 'living the life unexpected' which apparently has useful exercises to focus on the positives. I'm usually good at this - think I'm just suddenly feeling a bit old, with the grey hair starting etc now too. It's so sudden, along with the realisation that some choices are off the table now.

OP posts:
Mehmehmehmehmeg · 28/09/2023 11:51

I get how you’re feeling but there’s no guarantee that you’d end up with children who wanted to spend time with you in their adulthood. You’d be financially worse off. You would lose a huge amount of freedom and possibly wreck your health at the same time. Plus all the worries about climate change.

ladybird30 · 28/09/2023 11:52

Honestly, I think you need to be gentle on yourself and try to make peace with it. It sounds like it isn't to be for you, especially if your partner definitely doesn't want children and therefore adopting or otherwise is out of the question for you both.

I'd definitely consider a dog, it may not be the same but it might just be what you need to heal the wound

KimberleyClark · 28/09/2023 11:57

I second the dog suggestion. Definitely got us through the post failed IVF stage when we had to accept it wasn’t going to happen.

TookTheBook · 28/09/2023 11:58

Not to be dismissive but it sounds like natural hormones - pre menopause

Original poster
Dayatatime208 · 28/09/2023 12:02

@TookTheBook I agree this is def part of it - so hard to know what's just hormones and what are actual feelings. I hate hormones - seem to play havoc sometimes.

OP posts:
Graciebobcat · 28/09/2023 12:06

Just wanted to say as a 48 year old mother of two you'd be experiencing all the hormonal stuff anyway- maybe with added bells on, worry about prolapse etc and would certainly have other worries, sadness and regrets if not the "sad about not having kids" one.

KimberleyClark · 28/09/2023 12:13

And you might be feeling the same way about not having a third/fourth child.

Gnomegarden32 · 28/09/2023 12:27

You are going through a period of grieving which is entirely natural and understandable. In the meantime be kind to yourself. Getting a dog sounds a lovely idea Flowers

MommaDoxxer · 28/09/2023 12:57

I think people forget that absolutely nothing in life is black and white. I always knew I didn't want children (my DH has even had the snip), but that didn't mean when I hit 45 I didn't think 'I'll never know what it was like to be pregnant' and feel kinda sad about it.

But, when I flipped the logic around and thought about steps to have kids, I immediately didn't want to.

I don't believe there is ever any absolute certainty to any decision regarding children and that's okay. My friends with children would never change their decision to have kids, but also occasionally lament the loss of certain freedoms. I don't think this is any different.

Neodymium · 28/09/2023 13:01

i have 3 kids very happy with 3. But now at 40 I do sometimes feel sad that I won’t ever have more kids or be pregnant again. Which is really stupid cause I don’t want more and I hated being pregnant. I think it’s just normal feelings because it stops being something you are choosing and becomes something final.

Mysleepisbroken · 28/09/2023 13:05

I think it's normal to see the road not travelled and feel sadness even if you aren't convinced it was the road for you.

I have children and would desperately love a third but for many reasons it's not sensible for us.

I also see the career that I could have had if I hadn't chosen to have children.

I know I've taken the right path for me in the end but seeing those roads close off is still painful.

AtmosAtmos · 28/09/2023 22:23

I have had some similar thoughts. In my case I went through serious surgery. part of the reasoning was that it would allow the option of being pregnant, otherwise any kind of birth might have been dangerous. There were other good reasons to have the surgery but I never settled (or even had a partner) to have a child.

Seeing family and friends with children does tug a bit. But as pp says who knows what that road would have been.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 28/09/2023 22:29

Mysleepisbroken · 28/09/2023 13:05

I think it's normal to see the road not travelled and feel sadness even if you aren't convinced it was the road for you.

I have children and would desperately love a third but for many reasons it's not sensible for us.

I also see the career that I could have had if I hadn't chosen to have children.

I know I've taken the right path for me in the end but seeing those roads close off is still painful.

Well said.

Lottapianos · 28/09/2023 22:34

I hear you OP. I'm nearly 44 and definitely still have periods where the grief rears its head. I'm very relieved and grateful these days that I don't have children, but it was a loss I had to grieve very deeply for several years and I'm not sure you're ever 'done' with grief, it just changes over time

So I hear you, and you're not alone

Mummysgogetter · 28/09/2023 22:45

Graciebobcat · 28/09/2023 12:06

Just wanted to say as a 48 year old mother of two you'd be experiencing all the hormonal stuff anyway- maybe with added bells on, worry about prolapse etc and would certainly have other worries, sadness and regrets if not the "sad about not having kids" one.

@Graciebobcat I’m going through the same as the OP and I just wanted to say how lovely and refreshing your post is, thank you 🌹it’s so nice when people with children and people without can empathise with each other and offer the alternative view that life isn’t always greener whichever side of the fence you’re on.

looking4pup · 28/09/2023 22:52

It's awful when you're undecided. I mean either way it's a huge decision that will impact you forever. Luckily I knew which I'd prefer but I can't imagine having to make that decision.

MistyTrains2 · 28/09/2023 22:54

Have a look at Gateway Women OP x

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 28/09/2023 23:20

I think sometimes that we may know what we want in life and we choose to go down that path (in your case, being childfree) but we start to panic when the choice is being taken out of our hands (in that you're getting close to the point where you may not actually be able to have a child) and then wonder if we're doing the right thing. Do you think that this may be what's happening here? That youre having these feelings not because you are actually feeling sad about not having a child but more that you're panicking about something that you may not have a choice over anymore.

Maybe now is the time to sit and think about what you want your future to look like and work towards any goals you may have. If you haven't already. And I think that the puppy idea is a lovely one!

George1999 · 29/09/2023 07:12

Get a dog

NikNak321 · 29/09/2023 07:16

Hi 👋

Weirdly even though your post is mostly talking about your dilemma about you having no children (and I am sure many women feel this wobble...I did at 32), I am not sure its fully about that. I think your having a crisis of sorts taking stock of your life and finding it wanting...so am I. I have two young children and am 42; but I still felt a resonance with your post. If I had to give my life a season at the moment I would say winter. When I was younger I travelled...I have had several careers. It feels like the best has past...in my life and my self. Although I have kids I feel I lack purpose and identity as a seperate person. I am now a stay at home mum and every day is the same.

When your young you are full of hope and aspirations; your life has choices. Everything is shiny. In recent times I have felt life is stagnant, peri-menopausal. Nothing excites me; I feel choices and opportunities are behind me. I actually feel having children later in life intensifies that. When you are thinking of not children and it bothering you...I think it's because that choice is evaporating and you are second guessing yourself. Alternatively I have the realisation that when my kids leave the nest if at all before I croak it I will be an old lady and I too feel my choices are now limited in a different way to you. I do not regret my children, but I do find my self thinking where AM I going, what AM I doing, what is the point.

I guess my point is that what ever your situation re: kids a lot of middle aged women probably feel the same. Aging is s**t and so is the menopause!! What I would say is you actually have more opportunities than somebody highly restricted by the needs of their children. What do you want putting the idea of children to one side? Make an exciting bucket list that pushes you out of your comfort zone and bring a fresh sense of purpose to your life (I'll be doing the same) 👍. Whilst I love my children and would not change my choices...I envy your freedom quite honestly...good luck ❤️

TitInATrance · 29/09/2023 07:24

Hi, I can only sympathise - I have children but have a good friend who wanted family life but never met the right man until over 50.

I think you’ve misinterpreted your friend’s words, and I hope that’s not causing extra hurt. A ‘rite of passage’ marks the transition from one stage of life to another, like marriage or retirement. It’s not a ‘right’ or entitlement and doesn’t necessarily happen to everyone.

randomrandom · 29/09/2023 07:30

I understand. I've recently had a hysterectomy at 45 and it has brought up all the emotions!

It's weird, I've never REALLY wanted kids in that I absolutely haven't had that yearning that people talk about and wouldn't have put myself through ivf etc, but we never said a firm 'no we won't have them' either. I guess you could could say i was most ambivalent to it and we decided that if it happened it happened

Turns out that with my gynae issues I wouldn't have ever been able to have them anyway, but I did have a bit of a 'what if' meltdown a couple of weeks ago (I assume hormone prompted as I'm in surgical menopause)

Swipe left for the next trending thread