45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

[Dayatatime208]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

Why? This section is generally inhabited by those of us who are child free by choice.

Yep, I was one of those who was on the original threads!

Many aren’t CFBC.

But either way, it’s really crass to come onto a childfree board to moan about how terrible pregnancy is.

I don't think it's helpful to make out that we/ people generally are so fragile that well intentioned people have to walk on egg shells because they can't say right for saying wrong. You didn't speak for me anyway.

Yes but those who aren’t would be child-LESS not child-FREE surely…and not so much in this section.

🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t think it’s crass at all. But maybe I’m in the minority!

Me neither.

The post was clearly meant kindly. If the poster had said, "I don't know what you're moaning about: pregnancy is far worse", that would have been different.

We get constant propaganda about how much we are missing out by not having children, so it's great to hear from some honest parents. The self-appointed thread police can bog right off.

Yes re: "propaganda" - I also don't think it is helpful for society to frame infertility as the worst thing that can happen to a woman/person. I understand it can be awful for some, but not for everyone, and even those who struggle with it, don't suffer forever.

Oh no not this debate again - we put that to bed!

As someone who suffered from infertility I couldn’t agree more. I’ve been told off on here in the past for saying I didn’t think it was the worst thing that could have happened to me.

@Adriana33 I’m sorry but your post really is unhelpful, not to mention inappropriate on the childfree board.

I definitely understand this OP. I am going through something very similar myself. I'd actually never been in a relationship until this year, so kids were something I had never really thought about. I'm 36, so I suppose in theory I could still have one (or possibly even two), however I am an only child (as is my partner) and I would be worried about brining them into such a lonely family set up (no aunts, uncles, cousins etc). I don't know what I would do if I were to have an accidental pregnancy. The temptation to have the baby and create some family would be strong, but I think I would feel selfish.

What hurts / worries me most is the thought that once my parents are gone, should anything happen to my partner, I would be entirely on my own. That really terrifies me. I feel a bit like I am (or will be nothing) to nobody - I am not a mother, sister, sister in law, aunty, and will never be a mother in law or grandmother either. I recently went into a card shop and realised there were cards for all these family connections which I will never have, and it broke my heart.

I suppose I'll have to work on other relationships - I could be a friend, colleague, volunteer etc.

Something that helps me a little is thinking of where I might live if I were on my own in the future. I know it sounds silly as I am still decades away from retirement, but I have been looking into retirement villages and it brings me a little bit of comfort to know I could find companionship and care there.

Sending you a virtual hug. Life is tough for so many people, for so many different reasons. I hope you can move forward and find some peace and happiness.

While I just wrote a post saying not to walk on eggshells, it really is a daft post @Adriana33 to say that your childfree years/ life were wasted. How sad for you, all that time for naught.

And not everyone needs a baby to feel complete.

And I cannot tell you how unmoved I am by photos of peoples' babies 😂Puppies and kittens any day.

@ActDottie

***
Being pregnant is horrific so I promise you’re not missing out on that!

Strange comment to make. You know peoples experiences can be different?

Being child free is great but having a child is even greater.

It's great that this is how it is for you, but one only needs to look at a few threads on MN to see this is not the case for everyone who has a child. It's not a prescription for being happy unfortunately.

I feel nothing but pity for women who value themselves so little that it takes someone else - whether it's a partner or a child - to make them feel complete.

Being child free is great but having a child is even greater.

Glad you are happy with your life choices. This is the childfree board, though, and we don’t need to try and be converted. Your post could actually be very hurtful for people on here who are not childfree by choice (and those who are childfree by choice are unlikely to agree with you)

Having a child is non stop. I don't think anyone can can understand how hard it is unless you've been there. Most of the time in my opinion it isn't enjoyable. So if you're on the fence you need to really think about it. I'm so glad I had kids because I don't have a life. People get enjoyment through friends, work, interest, hobbies, they don't want to risk their lively life. I've never had that.

With the best will in the world though, once you hit 45 (I believe very different to 40 in terms of fertility, but I may be wrong) are in the depths of peri-menopause and on HRT then IVF is not going to be a quick easy stroll in the park and getting naturally pregnant also slim to no chance, so to pop on and pretty much invalidate everyone else's choice to be child free seems Idon't know rude! but then I spend my life in a wasted child-adulthood shopping for my dogs!

How do you know having a child is greater than not, for me it would not be and it certainly wouldn't have been greater for the children I could have had and utterly fucked up with all my neuroses, I think many women hear the klaxon at 40 but ignore it as they are ok with their life choices, whilst it's great you are utterly content with yours please don't diminish our choices.

This all reminds me very much of Dear Sugar's column and what Cheryl Strayed wrote about 'ghost ships'....

"I’ll never know and neither will you of the life you don’t choose. We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore."

https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/