45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

[Dayatatime208]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

I don't want to minimise anything you are feeling or give you unwanted advice. I just want to say that overthinking is very common at this age, no matter what you have done with your life.

You may need better friends! Who have more open minds.

If you had one year to live would you be focusing on this navel gazing sadness?? Sorry, but snap out of it, you made certain choices within the framework of your overall life, some of which you had control over and some you didn't, like all of us.

If you had kids, you might be miserable, broke, trapped, you might not have enjoyed motherhood. You might be stressed to the fucking gills.

You create your contentment with your life. What brings you joy, DO THAT.

Take control of your joy, exercise agency over your happiness. People with limited life expectancy put fun and being good to themselves and others first, you can do that too.

You can leave cats when you go out for the day through and you can’t do that with dogs. It’s also easier to find someone to feed your cats when you’re away than it is to find someone who will take the dogs or and the only alternative is kennels.

many ladies of different educational and political affiliations were more than happy to be child free for their own personal choices, but later admit that they were unhappy and wished they had in fact experienced motherhood

And how many of those 'ladies' 🙄were happy as Larry with their decision not to have children for their 'personal choices' and didn't regret a thing?

OP - I decided when I was 15 I wasn't having children and never wavered - then I got to late 40s and had ten minutes of 'well, too late now anyway.' Of course I did - I was on the cusp of another life changing event. As someone says, you'll wonder sometimes about the road not travelled. It's part of the human condition to wonder what if things had been done differently.

@CreationNat1on I get that. But 'Snap out of it' isn't a kind thing to say. I think feeling what you're feeling is valid, and I'm glad for the kindness other posters have shown. You don't know everything about my life and I am doing my best - I'm also caring for a dad with alzheimer's. Please, if you don't have anything kind or understanding to say, say nothing.

ugh at "Snap out of it". Totally agree that the "road not taken" regret is part of the human condition. Men go through it too.

Oh you are caring for your dad too. Well, that can't be easy. I did it for my dad and had a lot of existential angst around that time.

@Lentilweaver Yes, I was talking to my partner about it and he is soon to turn 50 - so there is an element of this with both of us, but sadly we can't just quit our jobs and travel (as that's what we'd both like to do - ha ha!) I am a bit trapped looking after my dad with dementia. So that's probably not helping with the 'child-free' element of in theory being able to do all the things that bring you joy!

@Lentilweaver That's good to know you felt it too - I haven't heard it described as existential angst but a great way of describing it! I think my dad's condition and looking after him is making me feel older than I am too.

Do you think there's a chance to try with the ivf route to be a single mum? You could go and get a fertility mot it's not impossible at your age?

If not, then I think you need to seek grief counselling as you're grieving the loss of the children you didn't have xx

I’m not particularly a dog person but I’d vote for getting a dog too.

I have young kids and have a friend who lives alone as her partner is working abroad and her son has largely flew the nest. She came to stay last weekend and brought her dog. I was amazed at the close bond she had with the dog. she adored it and the little dog was such great company and made my friend so happy.

I think a lot of it is hormonal. I’m a similar age with 3 kids under 10 and I feel sadness at not having more/ having them later but I also feel like I’m barely coping most of the time.

Sorry for the bad choice of words, my childless friend who recently battled cancer, is back in again for tests, and I m thinking of him and his approach to life. He is heavily involved with kids sports coaching and the community in general. Fills his time up positively, he is inspiring me to get more involved with community, excessive self reflection can be all consuming and doesn't necessarily solve anything.

Have fun, even with your dad, alzheimers doesn't have to suck all joy out of life either (I know from experience), alzheimers patients can be playful and enjoy a gentle joke or gentle company.

We ll all be dead soon enough, or sitting in the care home, reminiscing about our lives. Enjoy your health and vitality while you have it.

I also feel the passing of time greatly - especially yesterday when I read about Ronnie o Sullivan and death cleaning. 😱

I never wanted children but even despite that had to go through a kind of mourning stage. Having a dog helped.

Yes I understand feeling like this when my mum was dying in my early thirties - watching her getting frailer, becoming the responsible one and then being the oldest generation. I second getting involved in community. Keeping busy/ interacting with people/ having the craic definitely lifts the spirits

@CreationNat1on Thank you. I know you're right - when I can think rationally I'm very able to focus on the positives and health is number one, always. You're right life is short and I usually am quite good at focusing on doing the things that bring joy and finding happiness in all the little things.

The snap out of it comment is terrible imo. I did very nearly die and was in hospital a long time, said various goodbyes to people etc, it was that serious.
Anyway, I'm still here (and fully recovered) and I've focused on achieving all the things i was sad about missing out on when I thought I would die.

However, It doesn't stop me feeling down or sad about paths not taken, including not having children even though I've never really wanted them.
All it means is I also have a huge huge sense of guilt over these feelings cos of attitudes of 'you can't possibly feel sad, you've been given a second chance when so many haven't'
So, ime it's not navel gazing to examine why you might feel down or confused about life just because 'you might die tomorrow', you just need to focus on acceptance and moving towards happiness so that it doesn't time into long term "navel gazing" or depression
I am getting counselling and agree it's hard to find the right person but I would persevere.
Also, getting a puppy has nearly broken me, so if I could do it again I'd get an older dog (!)

At 48 I've already had two cancer scares and that was in my 30s, and I had a close call with septicaemia from chickenpox as a kid. My cousin died age 31, my uncle aged 46, my best friend's dad aged 50- I think I've always been aware of my own mortality!

For reasons I won't get into, I ve always been acutely aware of mortality. The thought "the day will come, when I ll beg to feel this fucking good" got me through some bleak times. I m currently experiencing a jolt of that realisation again. It impacts my perspective.

'So, ime it's not navel gazing to examine why you might feel down or confused about life just because 'you might die tomorrow'

Completely agree. Telling people to 'snap out of it', 'get over it' etc is really insensitive and it's not how feelings work anyway. It's important to reflect on the positives of being childfree and feel grateful and all of that, but it's also really important to be able to make space for difficult feelings. It's just not realistic to expect to float through life in a state of peace and gratitude at all times, far too much to expect of yourself or anyone else

if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids,

Autistic here and I'm with him. You cannot be on-off with kids the way you can with a relationship because the kids need looking after all the time.

When I think "am I making a mistake by not having kids?", I ask myself "would I rather regret having kids or regret not having them?" The answer is always rooted in asking "who gets hurt?" If I have kids and realise it was a mistake, the kids get hurt. If I don't have kids and realise I made a mistake, only I get hurt.

No, just no. Do not come onto the Childfree board and post comments like this.

I wonder if it's partly the sadness of "the road not taken"? I periodically feel a little sad about options that I didn't take, and are now closed, even if I chose not to take them at the time. Job offers in other cities, marrying an ex, retraining in a different field... all of these things, sometimes you look back and think, "but what if THAT would have been the best life for me?"

I’m a few years younger than you and recently I’ve been feeling short-changed by not wanting to have children - like I’m missing out on life experiences and emotions that can’t be found in anything else.

I still absolutely don’t want children. It’s not that I feel sad that I don’t/won’t have them…I feel sad that I don’t want to. It’s a very weird sentiment that makes no logical sense at all. But I’m glad I can see the distinction!

No idea if this factors into your situation or anyone else’s…