45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

[Dayatatime208]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

@Adriana33 I usually wouldn't bother saying this - but wow, your post is actually really unhelpful on so many levels.

She has replied now @Adriana33 , your crusade message has been heard. Please don't feel the need to persevere.

@Adriana33 it wasn't. It pretty much invalidated any life that's child-free - and I stated clearly I didn't want to do solo IVF (and i'm 45 and peri) so it felt quite tone deaf. I'm not sure if you really read or understood what I was trying to say or how I feel. To say life is better with a baby than without, and your life wasn't complete without - how is that helpful given I've said I won't do IVF and my partner doesn't want kids, and it'd prob be nearly impossible to get pregnant?!

This is the Childfree board, though…

@Adriana33 Thanks.

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I know it’s not the same as having your own child but have you considered Fostering. There are Thousands of older children in the system who need love & a stable home.
Is it essential to you to have your own biological child or would you be happy being a parent to a child who desperately needs someone who loves them.

I think this is a stage all childless women go through when you hit the age where the option to have kids is off the table tbh, it'll pass 💐

Why are so many people coming on to the Childfree board to tell OP to do IVF / adopt / foster?

i think I may go on to The Litter Tray and ask posters there if they’ve ever considered getting a dog…

Foster children very often are older and have complex emotional and physical needs over and above 'love and a stable home.' But it's always 'oh adopt,' or 'have you thought of fostering?' as if those are straightforward processes. 🙄

I'm not dismissing this emotion, it's very valid. But another way of looking at this is that if you had really wanted this for your life you wouldn't have been with those partners at that time.
Perhaps subconsciously you knew you didn't want kids and these relationships were a useful barrier without you having to admit it out loud?
Definitely worth getting counselling on these thoughts to help you plan a future that makes you really happy. You're only 45! So many more years and fun and experience and joy ahead xx

Can I just add to all those talking about IVF, even if OP wanted it your chances of IVF working at or after 45 are miniscule. The very large treatment centre where I had mine wouldn't even attempt it after 44, they stopped it over that age because when they were doing it they had no successful births so please stop.

Think it is natural at 45 to evaluate your life and consider what to do with the rest of it...and that applies with or without children. I hope you have a very exciting and fulfilling second half!!! A dog is a truly excellent idea...

Your post is so true! I have 4 and I realise, due to my bad decisions especially with regard to their father, having them has basically ruined my life. Of course there have been some lovely moments and I'm very proud of them - and I always wanted children but I have a rubbish life. I was looking forward to having gc and I do have one, but I'm not sure dd2 thinks she made the right decision. Dd1 is expecting and you can't really explain to someone the impact having a child will have on their life - even a healthy one with no SN.

It's not a right of passage to have children. You made a choice by staying with your partner, agreeing never to have children. You were fine for those 5 years, so this must just be hormones making you waver. Children are very hard work and draining. Yes the bond and love we feel is beautiful, but it really is hard work. They grow up and may visit us, or may not! There's no expectation that they'll care for us in old age, or even want to visit us. I think personally, you're free to do what you want. Go on holidays, join groups and get a dog to keep you busy and active. Enjoy your life.

I'm 48 OP & on HRT now as very peri menopausal. I do have kids & eldest DD started 2nd year back at Uni. Also DS who is almost 16. I chose to be a SAHP & now I think I'm grieving the life I could have had. Wishing I'd carried on working & wondering what the hell I'm meant to do with my life now. I don't regret having kids at all but wish I'd made some different choices. I began fostering cats for a local charity in March & have now wondered if I'm in nesting mode lol as I'm missing my DD a bit. I think 40s is the time where lots of people re-evaluate their lives & look into the future & sometimes find it unknown & scary. I'm arguing more with my DH but hard to know if it's mostly hormones at work really or a genuine problem. Most of my friends have younger kids so although we have much more freedom (& financially ok) my DH works all week then is busy with football all weekend (as is my DS) so I'm alone a lot & live far from my sisters & best friends (parents both died in my early/mid 40s). I feel old & haggard & wrinkly & peri M making me feel very tired too. I could retrain or study something but lack of confidence is holding me back. I'm trying to focus on the future in a positive way but it's hard some days.

10000% get a dog, they do bring you so much love and companionship. I have children now but had my dog first and she still gives me so much love and satisfaction. After a mental day with the children there is nothing I love more than snuggling up with her on the sofa 😂

Focus on your future and try not to think of the past. I’ve heard from others that when you’re at the cut off point is when emotions can be highest but in a few years when there will be absolutely zero chance then it’s easier to accept and focus on other things.

It’s a normal human emotion to wonder if the grass is greener. You can’t have it all, making or not making a decision closes other paths to you. I have young children and I would love to go on holiday to some interesting foreign places but it just wouldn’t be practical or enjoyable.

I think getting a dog is a great idea.

Hello pregnant woman here...look at me all you childless ladies - don't fret you might have been ill for a short time in your life and so that should make you happy you've never had or will have children...

Listen to yourself.

Do you think that's helpful? Would you rather have never got pregnant?

Focus on your future and try not to think of the past. I’ve heard from others that when you’re at the cut off point is when emotions can be highest but in a few years when there will be absolutely zero chance then it’s easier to accept and focus on other things.

This. It was such a relief when my periods finally stopped (which they did around 50). Not getting the monthly reminders and knowing it was no longer possible were really liberating.

Op, I doubled checked to see if you were actually considering a dog and it's on the table.

Of course it's grossly disrespectful to suggest a dog or pet is the best way to remove any negativity around having kids.

However, having a dog and caring for a dog is pretty similar to parenting in a nurturing one-way relationships as caregiver. And dogs really do love you back with a fierce intensity that is unfair to expect from little humans!

Which bit of parenting are you thinking about most? The practical nurturing bit? Shaping a good person? Developing a relationship and connection to another generation?

We all have existential fears at this age. I wonder if I should have had more kids and that I'll never have a daughter - I'm really glad I'm questioning. It will enable me to keep growing and not take my happiness/misery for granted xx