45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

[Dayatatime208]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

@Mummysgogetter I totally relate to that. I am terrified of my future. I am an only child, so could well end up entirety on my own one day with no support network at all. I imagine myself as a lonely old person dying in hospital all on my own. I also have nobody to arrange or come to my funeral. It makes me so sad and anxious.

Hmmm, this is a bit of a risk you take having no kids. But I know/have known a number of people who have/had one or two children, and are estranged from them, and they have had nothing do with each other for 10-20+ years. Most people have good or reasonable relationships with their adult children, but a few ARE estranged.

Conversely, I know a few people who have no children and no siblings (so no nieces and nephews,) who have a dozen friends. Good friends, close friends, and I mean real friends, not just acquaintances... People they can really depend on for anything. They have more people to depend on and care for them than some people who have had children.

Also, There are some people with children/ grandchildren/ siblings/ nieces/ nephews who have great relationships with them..... And some people with no children/no siblings/no nieces and nephews who are quite lonely and don't have anyone to help them if they need care or help, (and will have no-one to organise any funeral.)

There is no 100% guarantee of anything, no matter what you do - or don't do. Whether you have children or not.

Basically, if you have children, it's not a given that you won't be lonely in your old age. Some adult children and grandchildren CBA with their parents. Also, if you DON'T have children, it's not a given that you WILL be lonely in your old age.

So just live for today, and don't worry about something way in the future, that you probably don't need to worry about.

@AlexaCanYouHearMe Thank you. That's a very thoughtful comment. I do like to think that I am a good and kind person, so I hope I can develop more friendships over the rest of my life. And not just for the benefits they could bring to me. I would love to think I had spent my lifetime being kind and supportive to others. I have been thinking a lot lately about my legacy and perhaps that could be it - just to have done some good and helped other people as much as I could.

I actually would really like to have a child, but the reason I don't think I will is that I am older now (36) and I have a very small family (as does my partner) and it would feel so unfair to bring a child into such a lonely set up (no aunties, uncles and cousins etc).

Thank you again.

@Strawberriesandpears 😘 FWIW you sound lovely, and like a really nice person. I don't think you will be short of friends, ever! OR be alone when you die. 🤗

@AlexaCanYouHearMe Aww thank you so much. That means a lot. I have been struggling with my thoughts so much of late, so I really appreciate that.

If you would “really like to have a child”, 36 is not “older” and aunties, uncles cousins not that important (IMO).

DC can develop their own relationships, or even these type of relationships with a very good friend.

Many people don’t live near family even when they have them or are not estranged.

I get what you mean about the funeral but we don’t know about that, regardless of having children or not, too many unknowns. I like to think we won’t be here anyway so it doesn’t matter too much if no one comes 🤣

@Blueink Thank you. Yeah, you do have a point. My own cousins, aunty and uncle haven't been a significant part of my life. And I do have other things to offer a child other than extended family. I think I would be a good mother and I am financially very secure so would have the funds to pay for a child to take any classes or extra-curricular activities they may like to do. Maybe I shouldn't write the idea off completely. I am in a fairly new relationship (about 8 months) however it is going very well. I think my boyfriend likes the idea of a family too, however we haven't spoken about it in great depth. Maybe something to think about next year.

Regarding funerals - yes you are quite right there too - what does it matter really seeing as we won't be here!

I know exactly what you mean, OP. I never wanted children, but the day my GP told me I was "out of eggs" after a blood test was a very strange one for me. I felt a deep pang of something like sadness as soon as she said it. Which really shocked me, because I'd never wanted kids. I spent the next couple of days mulling things over; had I made the right or wrong choices, was I fooling myself the whole time with my adamant "I hate kids" stance? I did let it go after a few days of thinking, mainly because there was nothing I could do about it anyway. But I completely understand what you're going through - it's a very unusual position to be in, after you've spent your life not being interested in having children. It'll pass.

I think you should probably go to a counsellor because it feels as if this is an unresolved issue for you. You divide your friends into those with or without children and comments on your childless condition upset you but you are in a relationship with someone who has made it clear they don’t want children.

I don’t want to impose my experience on you but I’m childless through choice and adverse comments on it never bothered me. I respect other people’s feelings and feel real empathy for those who want children and can’t have them, but I never felt any desire to be a parent.

My point is, if you were happy with this state of affairs it wouldn’t be an issue for you. It is and you need to address it.

My great aunty died this year in her late 80s. She had 2dc, 5gc and 4 ggc. Her ds1 visited her often, made sure she was okay etc as did her gc and she was very religious, involved with her church and was very sociable. Anyway she was well loved and her extended family including me were looking forward to paying our last respects at her funeral. Her ds decided to have a direct cremation, body taken from the hospital to crematorium and no service or attendees. He said he'd have a celebration of life in the summer but that didn't happen so even a close family does not guarantee an attended funeral!

Your great aunty sounds like a lovely lady, and I am sorry you didn't get to pay your last respects in the way you hoped.

May I ask, did the members of her church support her in her old age (as well as her family)? At the moment, I am trying to think of ways I could build community outside of my (lack of!) family.

Thank you very much for contributing to this thread.

Yes, she had lots of friends within her church and before she became ill she used to volunteer with them and go away with them.
Even people with larger families don't always have much to do with them. My 4dc only have 2 first cousins but they live abroad and never see them. I have one brother who has SN and has never married or had children. My parents are still alive and live locally but the rest of my family live in the North West and we live in the South. Also I am very close to my godparents and I consider them family.
Good luck with any decisions you make and all the best for your future.