45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

[Dayatatime208]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

I'm not child free, I have one teenager I had in my twenties, am now mid 40s. Having a child is such a double edged sword. He's brought me much joy but on the other hand I spent my late twenties to late 30s working 3 jobs and raising him financially, practically and emotionally on my own. That was due to my poor choice of partner but that's kind of my point. I made a choice and it had some positives and also some very significant negatives. I have no savings and no capital because of those choices I made then, and having to work just to make ends meet.
and now - he's a teenager and the bond we shared is gone. Our relationship will change and I hope when he's an adult we'll find common ground but we are just very different people and have nothing in common. Spending time together is not fun for either of us. This is just me being honest. I love him with every part of me but I also sometimes feel I've invested all my adult life into raising him and I'm wrung out and who benefits? It's not me, honestly. And we shouldn't have for our own benefit but of course we do! That's what makes us want them in the first place.
In conclusion, having kids is a massive gamble. It can work out amazingly, and it can be a disappointment. It can be a bit of both. It's a life long relationship with someone who you lose the ability to influence by age 13 and who will grow into their own person regardless of your wishes and efforts.
I don't know if any of that was helpful but it's the truth. Maybe your friends with kids haven't reached the teenage stage yet 🤷🏼‍♀️

I will never, ever understand childfree people being called selfish when some parents (NAP) think it's OK to have a child even if you're not sure you really want one, with no thought at all for how that will affect the child.

I have a child. I often wish I hadn't. And I also often wish I'd had more.

It's a roller coaster that never seems to stop as a woman.
Should I have...
Should I not have...
Did I do x enough...
Should I have done x instead

Be kind to yourself. We often glamorise having children but a lot of it isn't good, or fun, and it certainly doesn't feel like a right of passage.

I was sure I never would have children, but also fantasised about having 6.

I had one and often feel wracked with guilt at the 'only one' but also feel good I had one so they get my 100%

Basically... We're women and what we do or don't do will always be critisized and scrutinised under a microscope so focus on what the up sides are to the life you ended up choosing and having xxxx
And mostly. Be kind to yourself 🖤

I think this is so truthful and real and I agree completely. It's a shame more people aren't so open and honest about the brutality of parenting. It's hard and sometimes it's really really shit. There isn't always a glowing rainbow at the end
It's hard fullstop and certainly has no guarantees of a lifelong friendship at the end.

You sound like you did amazing xxx

@RowenaEllis that was for you xx

Really.

Another one who can't read 🙄

Thank you.
On balance I am happy I had him. We have some lovely memories (but also the best years were definitely marred by how hard I had to work, how knackered and lonely I was, I didn't get to enjoy them as much as I should). I did my best under the circumstances, but the circumstances were very hard. I guess that's my point - regrets are a fact of life in our 40s. We are in a period of transition and of loss and taking stock. I have regrets. OP has regrets. We know logically that the grass isn't greener and we know we can't change our choice or have a do over and that's a scary and upsetting thought. I try not to dwell, but we all fall prey to it.

Where would this forum be without all the parents telling us to have kids?

Hi. As others have said - be kind to yourself. One of my lovely daughters is over 40 single and has same realisation. I think she has come to terms with situation and now does not want to change it. She would love a dog but they are a big tie. Other daughter has had very late first child and what an adjustment - shock. If you like children and have nieces or nephews, you can be an incredible influence on their lives. And you get to give them back! Good luck

I agree with other people who mentioned that you should make a list of all the pros in your life that couldn't have happened if you had children, or at the very least, would have been harder. Depending on what you want in life, there are certainly pros and cons on both sides. If you had had children you would be financially worse off, have less free time, probably do less traveling and holidays, so that is certainly something to think about. Also, there is the potential resentment your other half may have felt had you had children that he didn't want. I know I would feel that way if my partner had pushed it on me and not sure we would have stayed together if we had children.

with regards to not having children being "selfish" what about how having children affects the planet? the planet is overpopulated, resources are dwindling and the pollution each of us contributes too is getting out of control. Having children you may not want just bc you feel you have to is the selfish path in my opinion.

Just as a matter of interest: I never 'get' the planet vs children argument. If nobody had children, the human race would die out. Or is that a good thing, if it "saves the planet"?

Eh, it wouldn't be the worst thing if the human race died out. And what about the other side, if the planet dies in the next 20 years yet people continue to have children. Is it ok if those children don't see the age of 25? is that better than not having them at all? It's a very real possibility that many children being born today won't live a long life, considering the state of the climate emergency and the fact that we are really doing nothing to address it.

I have 2 kids but FWIW, I had a few years during perimenopause where I felt a real emotional and physical hungering for another child despite knowing I really didn’t want to have any more. That feeling disappeared for me once I arrived at menopause, so I feel like our brains alert us to the fact that we need to make a decision at perimenopause. Hopefully you will find that you’ll feel more at ease with your decision as you reach this new stage of life.

If you have these strong feelings, controversial perhaps but why not explore fostering/ adoption.

You only have one life. I know your partner isn't up for it, but perhaps this is an empty threat.

I would make a step forward and see where that takes you, even if it gives you an answer of, actually this isn't for me after all, my aunt adopted in her late 40s.

She's already said she's not planning to leave her partner so exploring adoption or fostering isn't an option. Pointless comment to make.

'If you have these strong feelings, controversial perhaps but why not explore fostering/ adoption'

This is becoming childfree bingo now. Why do so many people think that fostering and adoption are some kind of watered down, parenting-lite option?

I don't know if this anecdote will be helpful. Again, not attempting to minimise your feelings. But as I said upthread, the decline of a parent can totally confuse you.

I have a good friend who has never wanted children. She has a busy job which involves exciting travelling, so she is happy as she is. She is also an only child. When her father died, she went slightly bonkers and started doubting her every decision. But with some therapy, she realised she didn't actually want children; she just missed her dad and perhaps some community. So she has taken on a teaching gig, where she meets lots of young people, who love her.

I think this will be a blip for you, and you can go on to find meaning and community in other things? Volunteering maybe?

I do have DC, btw.

I think these are unfair comments on my post. I said the partner might be making empty threats, I didn't say anything about leaving him.

And where in my post have I said adoption/ fostering is parenting lite? Seems like projection to me. I mention these avenues because it seems pregnancy might be off the cards.

@@RowenaEllis at the risk of derailing this thread, your DS will come back to you in a few years. Been there, done that!

What do you mean by 'empty threats'? There is no point in pursuing adoption or fostering if you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to do it. He clearly doesn't want that. I'd also say there's no point pursuing it if you've broken up with your long term partner to do it as there would be too many unresolved issues to make you a good candidate.
basically adoption or fostering are not options open to the OP now even if sue indicated that's what she wanted to do, which she hasn't.

Thank you!
I expect he will. I don't know what that relationship will look like though. I hope we find a way to enjoy each other's company as adults.

Hi Dayatatime208

• • please consider carefully about getting a dog if you aren’t at home much and love travelling, they see their humans as their pack and do suffer if left alone and especially the upheaval of being left in kennels if you use them when you go away, They can’t understand what’s happening, and I learnt this the hard way and wish I’d been more aware when I had my first dog it’s s two- way street, they are great company for us but we have to consider their needs too.

I think’ the grass is always greener’, I did have a family and put thoughts of career and even free time interests on hold for years and of course I’m proud that I did that but you always wonder what you would have been doing, good luck .

I have been struggling with this too lately (am same age as OP) but I don’t think it’s the child I want, it’s the family and/or wider community to support me when I’m older.

if someone could wave a magic wand and give me a baby now, I don’t think I would take it; and that is my answer as to how I know it’s just a wobble.
I do have a lovely life - I have a husband who adores me, plenty of friends, I’m extremely fit because of the free time I dedicate to yoga, hiking, rowing and pole fitness; I’m near the end of a degree in a subject I find fascinating and I have large savings in the bank whilst only working part-time. So, all in all I count myself lucky and try not to dwell on what I might have missed out on by not having a child. I think whatever path you take in life you close the door to other possibilities.

Also 40, also have 3, also happy with 3, also sad it's over.

I love being a mum but the love you have for your kids comes with a profound terror of something happening to them that never goes away. There's just this quiet monster that you live with every day.

I knew I always wanted children and took that risk to have them knowing that I'd have to live with that fear.

If you've never been that bothered, then it clearly wasn't something you really wanted. The pain that comes with the love can be arresting at times. I think that your feelings are hormonal and from experiencing that sense of finality. If you've never actively wanted a baby, then try to lean into the fact that you will be able to spare yourself from that deep sense of worry that is always there on some level.

Really tired so that probably came across horribly!