45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

[Dayatatime208]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

It sounds like you may be feeling sad due to the feeling of missing out on an experience. Also you seem open to trying but wouldn’t want to do it solo, so perhaps your DH is holding you back?
I’m not in your position so feel free to ignore this.
I’m a little bit older than you and a mum of 2DC, (one teen and one just out of teens). Some posters have cited lack of independence as a reason to not have kids, but they are only fully dependent on you for a few years. My DC are at the age where DH and I do have spontaneous trips, holidays, nights out etc. Even when they were younger we had family support with babysitting so we were still able to go out, admittedly not as often but it was never an issue, in terms of feeling like we had lost our freedom.
The added bonus of having DC is hopefully having grandchildren in the future, which you mentioned in your OP.
This is a very personal decision so wish you all the best with whatever you decide.

I have a brother, but I'm not at all close to him. this Christmas I'm thinking of doing Crisis for Christmas, while my partner goes to his parents - I feel I want to give back and get more purpose at the moment.

@Fififafa I can't imagine letting go of my partner at age 45 to somehow try and have children - he is my family now so while I know what you mean about holding me back, I think being on my own would make me feel worse! I definitely wouldn't do solo IVF for lots of reasons. When I'm feeling very balanced I can see the pros very clearly of being child-free. It's just my age I think - it's hit me a bit...I was 35 yesterday, wtf! Ha ha.

@Dayatatime208 - now I know more about your family I can add a bit more. I came from a fairly big family on both sides, but due to many factors, (people not getting married or having children or dying early) I actually don’t have any family left. No parents, grandparents, aunties or uncles, and I lost my sibling a couple of years ago. There’s literally just me and I’m only 51. I think it’s an undeniable fact of nature and biology that you are expected to “carry on the line” so to speak - even for those who didn’t want children. So having to deal with that, and peri, and your family line dying out, and wondering what’s going to happen as you get older - all this just compounds all the “what if” feelings in your head - certainly for me, anyway.

The way I deal with it now is - my parents wanted me enough to give me life, so I need to make the most of it. There is more than one path we can choose to take to be happy. I have a lovely partner, we do nice things, I keep the grey matter working hard and try to stay fit and healthy and look forward to whatever life brings next.

I’m sorry you’re having regrets.

45 isn’t too late to become a parent if you’re équipes for adoption or fostering. There are lots of children who need loving homes OP so don’t feel like that path is closed to you entirely.

Maybe this is anxiety / depression / menopause?

I remember when I was 29 I hyper focused on being infertile for a while. It was not based in hard facts and was a symptom of me feeling anxious , low and inadequate. Remember 45 is a typical age for mid life crisis. it’s common to regret life choices around that age.

you should probably work out which of these it is- a genuine desire to have a family or generally feeling crappy about life. Counselling is really helpful.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, OP. I’m also childfree. I’ve never had particularly maternal feelings or enjoyed being around children, but it’s more that children are incompatible with the lifestyle I require to be an overall happier, healthy person - appreciate I may be the minority there, but being childfree comes with its many pros, too.

Do you have any time consuming hobbies or passions? You’ll have more freedom to take up activities you love and have interesting experiences.

I would much rather regret not having children, than regret having children; I’ve read many an anonymous accounts of heart broken parents pouring out regret who can’t say it in offline life due to the huge taboo surrounding this. If you’ve always been undecided, there’s no guarantee that you would have been happy with the choice to have children either. I hope you find peace with this and I wish you well.

OP I'm a counsellor and I can't recommend you enough to seek out a counsellor that specialises in existential theory. Noone here can give you that magic key... you need someone that can ask you the right questions to allow you to hear yourself and realise what you need. Check out BACP to find one in your area... I promise you it will be the best money you've ever spent!

I can hear a few things going on here. The change in your body and your reflection being someone that is ageing. Your partner being black and white, it sounds that he would be willing to leave you and that must feel isolating? You're also surrounded by people making desperate, big decisions right now that might make you feel there's a deadline on your life decisions too.

I wish you the very best for the future. It's not easy being a woman. I think there's a thousand heartaches we suffer as we go through this stage of life, childless or not. You're not alone.

Our bloody hormones are a nightmare, well done for reading up on peri menopause. I was blindsided by how euphoric, depressed, itchy, tearful, etc I could be.

And that was with money in the bank, a cute dog, a decent partner and two excellent teenagers.

@ChristmasFanatic thank you! I have seen therapists over the years for various things, but I always find it hard to find a good one - and I hate having to start from scratch again, if that makes sense. But maybe existential theory is helpful - what is it, please? My partner isn't going to leave me (didn't mean it to sound like that) - he's very committed. I think he was just saying that he wants me to be happy so if it's something I really want then adoption is an option (but I don't want to leave him either!) It's certainly not easy being a woman, particularly in your mid-40s I'm finding! Thanks

I think it's natural and others have put it far more eloquently than I will, but with hormones and birthdays ending in 5's and 0's I think you do tend to reflect and have slight regrets, what if's etc, I have and had a real moment a few years back, it was triggered by someone talking about choosing a push chair/pram combo thing, which gave me such a pang of missing out on something so, for a want of a better word shallow, that I had missed out on a shopping experience, it was slightly more than that but in essence that is what it boiled down too.

I do think it has a lot to do with your hormones giving you a little kicking when you are down, I'm coming up 50 and have again been reflecting on life choices, and whilst some you can change, having children isn't but I know deep down it was and is still the best choice for myself and my husband, but I do have dogs and again flippant they fulfil a need in me to look after, nurture and love a little being.

@BookSquirrel omg the itching!! I hear you. I feel tearful a lot of the time but I don't even know why sometimes. It's exhausting, and i'm on HRT and it's def helped , but it's not a 'cure'. I HATE HORMONES!

@Moanycowbag You're right on the bdays ending in 5 and 0 - what is it with them! I thought the 5s should be fine, but they do hit me. I felt awful at 35 about the fertility thing and I was very single then and struggling with dating - even though I wasn't sure then that I wanted kids.

Oh for godsake - you can clearly see by the tone of this post that the poster is not being unkind. Why do we always have to turn, what could have been a nice helpful post into a bun fight

For the record, I think a dog might be the answer. So I don't take any offence to any of those posts and see them as supportive. I did state that I was considering a puppy - and I'm a huge animal lover. We have two cats already!

@Anothagoatthis Sure, child free women are a minority at the moment but that is changing quickly. A growing amount of women, of different ages, don't want kids but then we are seeing an increase in women miserable for not having had them... it's something that I don't pretend to understand as I'm not a woman, but I can -and do- observe and see that our culture/society is changing fundamentaly... many ladies of different educational and political affiliations were more than happy to be child free for their own personal choices, but later admit that they were unhappy and wished they had in fact experienced motherhood.🤷🏻‍♂️

One of my closest friends is the same age as OP and has asked me to try and convince her partner to have kids at this age! 😆 she loves my kids and wants to have what I have... but as another poster pointed out, just because you have kids it doesn't mean they won't have issues or you won't struggle... so... 🤷🏻‍♂️☺️

I don't get why everyone is coming for the poster suggesting a dog- the OP's post suggested she might like to get a puppy!

Whoever suggested existential therapy had a good idea, pretty much most of the women I know (45-early fifties) are in some type of existential crisis, but then it seems to get better and everyone seems to feel more settled and less 'argh, what have I done with my life', I've been through it myself (not related to children, related to the death of my husband) and it is not an easy time, but I have found that it seems to ease over time.

I've been a parent my entire adult life (I was 16 and pregnant before MTV made it a series lol) - I wonder the opposite as you sometimes, what if I hadn't had kids? I'm 43, I couldn't imagine my life without my 4 kids, but I realise how much I given up and how much it has shaped who I am - I don't think I can imagine a child free version of myself, I'm not convinced I'd like her either lol. My child free friends have more freedom, more money, more time and less stress - you're probably living my daydream right now, OP! Lol

Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful comments. I have been wrestling with my lack of maternal instincts, lack of broodiness and generally accepting my natural inclination towards being childfree.

I don't know if you find it helpful at all OP, but I have read this article dozens of times and it does seem to echo that there isn't really a right and wrong decision here. Emotions come and go, regrets of all kinds are natural whether you have kids or not. It'll pass.

Dogs massively curtail your independence though and that is one major plus of being child-free.

Personally I would go the other way - live the benefits of being child free to the full - travel, hobbies, self-development, further study, theatre, museums, galleries etc.

I'm maxed out on oestrogen, progesterone and also testosterone and I am mostly feeling 'normal' now most of the time.

I'm 50 and looking back it all went a bit screwy from 43 ish. Tearful, intrusive thoughts... the patches helped initially but still wasn't enough, went private two years ago.

I also had counselling to try to reset my anxiety because I'd spent too long being over reactive about stuff that pre 43 I wouldnt have batted an eyelid at. Basically been living 24/7 on edge.

Best wishes, I feel like I've aged and just moved through another 'rite of paasage', i sat at the weekend with a bunch of older, confident, kind, funny, laid back, cynical women at a book festival and felt I belonged!

@BookSquirrel I want to go private to check on the HRT etc - how did you find someone to see? there are loads but don't know where to start. I am about to read 'the path through the jungle' book to deal with my tendency to worry a lot and constantly overthink. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Path-through-Jungle-Psychological-bestselling/dp/1998991105

@NutellaEllaElla thanks for article - wil have a read.

@Mirabai we already have two cats (who are mostly indoors) and they already curtail our freedom! If we didn't have them would do more, but they make the house a home and we love them so much.