45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

[Dayatatime208]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

A woman who clearly has children goes on the childfree board and tells the OP to get a dog to heal the wound.

I don't actually have any words for how disgraceful a thing that is to say. It's shameful.

During my third pregnancy, I chose to make it my last baby, I previously had two very hard pregnancies and births, and two children with additional needs. I couldn't face a third difficult pregnancy, birth and the possibility of a third child with extra needs. I considered termination but then decided to continue with the pregnancy but to ensure that this would be my last, I would get sterilised. It was absolutely the best thing to do.
I felt the loss that every milestone with number 3 would be the last time I would experience that. It was a normal loss to feel, as is yours. As a previous poster said, it's part of life to think of the road not travelled.
I often wonder where I would be had I not had children and what my life would be like. I know for sure that I would be feeling as you do now.

Get a dog. It's perfectly acceptable to crate train a dog 😂😜

Also, huge hugs because this is hard. Let yourself feel the grief for the life that could have been. It's absolutely ok that you feel this.

You’re comparing all the best bits of being a mum with the child free therefore empty feeling.
Try comparing the worst elements of parenting with the highlights of being child free.

Honestly, get a dog or two. So much easier 😆

I think it’s okay to grieve, OP, and to feel sad. When a door closes in our life, there IS a sadness to it. The grief will lessen with time though. Maybe try to hang onto that while also giving yourself permission to feel sad (if that makes sense). And be kind to yourself in the meantime… sending love. X

Aside from that OP I feel the same. My mum is currently dying. Whilst I can't care for her (she needs full-time care) I am certainly looking out for her. I know what she'd want and not want. I'd never expect children to care for me as I can't care for my mum but we both look out for mum. Bring her things, visit her, etc.

I sit by her bedside thinking when I'm dying no one will be there and no one will look out for me.

But yeah, get a dog. It'll solve it all.

I've had a similar experience, actually; I never wanted children and have always been single so it's never been an option, but I also felt sad when reaching my early/mid 40s that it would never happen. However, as someone above said, definitely not sad enough to do anything actively about it! I think it's natural and, as other posters have said, people with children also often have vague regrets at this time of life.

(The flippant dog comments are annoying; I have a cat who is an absolute delight, but it's totally different. My cat is never going to inherit my family memorabilia or listen attentively to my stories of childhood.)

I wasn’t being flippant about a dog. Just trying to bring a bit of light and humour. Honestly don’t underestimate what a dog can bring to your life. It’s been life changing for us.

Do you have nieces and nephews op or godchildren?

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. It must be tough, and not having someone to talk to a little deeper must be very difficult! 😔

I have also noticed among some of the mums in the groups I'm in have had a similar feeling yet have kids and they talk about many non mum friends feeling some kinda way about it too so it may well be a natural thing. 🤷🏻‍♂️
As a man I can not imagine this and take my hat off to you ladies.
I'm a stay at home parent to 4 but often have 7 kids under my care - hence my name daddy day care 😆 my emotional and hormal response to all this is not on par... 😇

While it's by no means a woman's only purpose in life to pop out babies, I do wonder about the damages done by the flip in society (historically it was the expectation/demand for women to have babies and look after the home and now we have flipped almost 180 where few women want babies at all and then regret it...and where society practically look down on stay at home mums etc)
From a Anthropological perspective it's going to be a while to know for sure the impact of this flip...
It's an interesting time...

But even so I don't think anyone should feel guilty for the road not travelled...
Good luck 🤞

How exactly do you figure few women wants babies? @Daddydaycare86 Most are having children. Childfree women are a minority.

And btw there still is an expectation for women to have children, (and work and get an education) many women get asked when they’re having children from their early 30s onwards and even if they do have one are asked when they are having a second.

And um people…stop suggesting dogs 😏 Not everyone even likes dogs or wants to own one.

What if she doesn’t want a dog?! I’m childless by circumstance and I wouldn’t even consider getting a dog. Most people who don’t have kids work full time. Plus dogs tie you down more than kids!

Back on topic - no, I didn’t have kids. And I did want them. Now I’m approaching the end of perimenopause at 51 the “broody chatter” that my inner thoughts have deafened me with for the last few years is really starting to subside, and I can definitely see the benefits of not having had kids. Plus I’m being sensible - my best mate has POA in case anything happens to me, and I’ve written my will to leave bequests to charities that mean a lot to me like Mountain Rescue, and the children already in my life - godchildren etc, who have brought me a lot of joy and hopefully I can give some back to them after I’ve gone.

I think dogs are vile creatures. They smell, you have to pick their shit up and I was bitten when young and am terrified. The current dog culture where you can't even go to a restaurant, they're in there, makes me ill.

Don't underestimate how many people don't like dogs just because you do.

I'm 50. I am full of regrets at not having children. I just assumed I would. Faffed around. Met partner. Tried. Failed. Now menopausal. I am sad every single day and will never get over it. I've felt suicidal at times.

Ps I have a cat, who I adore. But in no way is he a replacement for a child.

Being pregnant is horrific so I promise you’re not missing out on that!

@Daddydaycare86 surely it’s more damaging to society to have the environmental impact of 4 children?

You do realise this is the childfree board?

I know exactly what you mean!

I didn't want children and was quite clear about it. DH and I discussed it and agreed before we married then suddenly as 40 loomed I had doubts, I became broody, friend's pregnancies upset me. I came here originally to see whether others felt the same.

DH and I had some very difficult conversations as he still didn't want children.

I'm 44 now and mostly out the other side. Mostly I am happy with Childfree life but there are pangs of regret about the experiences I haven't had and won't have. Like you, never having grandchildren is one of the major ones.

I would say think about why you didn't want children and the benefits of child free life and focus on those.

I wouldn't get a dog unless you want one because you want a dog in your life not as a child substitute. You don't want to saddle yourself with a tie and responsibility that will prevent you from fully and freely enjoying the very things that you want from your Childfree life. It can end up being worst of both worlds, no baby but still needing to be home to walk the dog etc.

We considered getting a dog but realised that some of the nice things about not having children are being able to go out after work without arranging a sitter, booking last minute holidays, going for spur of the moment day or weekend trips with little planning, lie ins, late nights, staying in lovely places, having nice impractical furnishings etc. I would lean into all that stuff for a while and then re-evaluate.

I don't understand why a certain poster is being aggressive to those who said get a dog - the OP herself mentions she's considering getting a puppy so they are just responding to that saying they think it's a good idea and has brought them comfort.

Separately I'd like to agree with a poster who commented on how positive some of the responses have been from posters who do have children, and how nice it is to see some empathy across the two groups. It seems to me the OPs post is more about sadness of loss of choice, mixed with emotions around ageing and peri menopause. And these are things that most women of a certain age can empathise with, even if the specific result of 'lack of choice' for them means something different.

I don't have children by the way, and am also in peri, and feel as if a lot of roads are closing to me - even if simply because I've kind of done them before (travelled) so feeling meh about the future. So have felt some comfort in this thread - even if I can't impart any helpful advice .

@NikNak321 That's so helpful and I think you are spot on...it's really clarified my feelings and put them into perspective. Thank you!

@randomrandom Thank you for understanding :) It's def a 'what if' meltdown...!

Thank you everyone - so much support and helpful, understanding posts :)

Sorry to hear you're struggling but I think you're most likely hormonal and also realising that you're at an age where it's no longer possible so you're sad your choice has been taken away. You say you didn't have kids because your partner didn't want them but you chose a man who didn't want any and also chose to stay with him. You were ok with not having them.

Having kids was an absolute priority for me and I wouldn't have gone past a few dates with someone that didn't want them or wasn't sure.

It doesn't sound like you ever had that burning desire to have them (which is totally ok) and being grateful for being a Mum is sometimes the only thing that gets you through months of sleep deprivation and raging tantrums.

It's absolutely ok to grieve for a life you won't have but be aware your hormones are possibly causing this.

@Smidge001 yes, I'd say 'meh' sums up this season of life...bloody peri...came from nowhere and I felt it really attacked me! But at least got HRT now which has helped some of the feelings/changes, but not all - although at least I sleep better now!

@WhatNow1234 We actually have two cats - who we love so much and are our family in lots of ways, but they don't give much back!! So that's why the dog idea started recently...maybe that would help more.

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon good advice and I feel very similar to you...and good points on the dog. Need to think about the positives as both of us like travelling and a dog would put a stop to that I think.

As no one has yet suggested it, I am going to suggest the Gateway Women support group. HOME - Gateway Women (gateway-women.com)

@43ontherocksporfavor I have two nieces but I don't see them much as they are teenagers now and off doing their own thing. Also they don't live nearby. I have a godson who is fab. I don't have parents (mum died, dad now has alzheimer's and I think that's impacting how I'm feeling right now too). I feel sad I don't have a birth family around and that has caused some grief this year too. I have really missed my mum who died 13 years ago. I think grief is the word all round.

I'm 46 and don't have children. I recognise that -say- 97% of the time I'm very happy with that and 3% of the time it makes me sad. I think that's a good split. I don't think we can be 100% certain of many choices. This recognition has helped me deal with the sad moments, because there are some still, though it's definitely got easier - I'm 4 years into realising it was never going to happen for me. And 2 years ago I welcomed a 3 year old Labrador into my life and honestly - Best Decision Ever. She's wonderful - and far less trouble than a baby!