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MNers without children

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Original poster

Worst comment you've had as a child free woman

914 replies

derekdied · 09/07/2023 18:54

I'll start. Someone I had literally met about fifteen minutes previously. One of her first questions "do you have kids?" Me "no.." her "oh could you just not be bothered with the responsibility?" 😮

OP posts:
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16
Girlfrom15YearsAgo · 14/07/2023 09:37

Another childfree christmas lover here! Similar to a PP, we go all out with food, presents, christmas movies, activities; the whole house is decorated like a winter wonderland and yes, it's assumed that we must be hosting a load of kids but the reality is that it's just us, living our lives the way we want to.

In terms of the worse things said to me, I could probably write a book. A few stick in mind though:

PiLs were hosting a load of relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins) whom DH hadn't seen since he was a child and I had obviously never met. One cousin honed straight in on the fact we'd been married for about 5 years (at that point) and didn't have children. She literally followed me around PiLs house for hours going on about me not being a real woman and how I was denying DH fatherhood. Wine was flowing and the more she drank, the more abusive she became. At one point, she told me that we didn't deserve our own home - if we weren't going to ahve children we needed to move back in with PiLs and take care of them in their old age. She literally had me cornered and up against a wall at one stage, going on about me not being a real woman.

This was over ten years ago. We haven't seen her again since but last year, MiL, with whom I've always had a great relationship, suddenly brought up the incident for the first time since it happened, saying that cousin was right and it's the biggest sadness in her life that I haven't given her grandchildren. She then cried. I cried too. It's shit really.

The other relates to my own family. My mum's brother is severly disabled and she has been his carer for many years. Due to her own advancing age, we discussed and agreed that I would take over as principle contact for his care. He's always been a big part of my life and it was my choice to do this. Another aunt - my dad's sister then started mouthing off at a family gathering, saying that I couldn't possible care for my uncle because I hadn't had children and was therefore incapable of loe and caring for another person. She said I was basically still an immature and selfish child (I was 40) and that I'd need to prove myself by having a baby before anyone should consider me able to take on caring responsibilities. That really hurt. Also the fact that having a baby would reduce the time I would have available to care for my uncle seemed to be completely lost on her.

KimberleyClark · 14/07/2023 09:48

@Girlfrom15YearsAgo bloody hell. I can’t believe there are people who would say/do thinks like this.

Lykkeli · 14/07/2023 10:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Hibiscrubbed · 14/07/2023 10:16

Girlfrom15YearsAgo · 14/07/2023 09:37

Another childfree christmas lover here! Similar to a PP, we go all out with food, presents, christmas movies, activities; the whole house is decorated like a winter wonderland and yes, it's assumed that we must be hosting a load of kids but the reality is that it's just us, living our lives the way we want to.

In terms of the worse things said to me, I could probably write a book. A few stick in mind though:

PiLs were hosting a load of relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins) whom DH hadn't seen since he was a child and I had obviously never met. One cousin honed straight in on the fact we'd been married for about 5 years (at that point) and didn't have children. She literally followed me around PiLs house for hours going on about me not being a real woman and how I was denying DH fatherhood. Wine was flowing and the more she drank, the more abusive she became. At one point, she told me that we didn't deserve our own home - if we weren't going to ahve children we needed to move back in with PiLs and take care of them in their old age. She literally had me cornered and up against a wall at one stage, going on about me not being a real woman.

This was over ten years ago. We haven't seen her again since but last year, MiL, with whom I've always had a great relationship, suddenly brought up the incident for the first time since it happened, saying that cousin was right and it's the biggest sadness in her life that I haven't given her grandchildren. She then cried. I cried too. It's shit really.

The other relates to my own family. My mum's brother is severly disabled and she has been his carer for many years. Due to her own advancing age, we discussed and agreed that I would take over as principle contact for his care. He's always been a big part of my life and it was my choice to do this. Another aunt - my dad's sister then started mouthing off at a family gathering, saying that I couldn't possible care for my uncle because I hadn't had children and was therefore incapable of loe and caring for another person. She said I was basically still an immature and selfish child (I was 40) and that I'd need to prove myself by having a baby before anyone should consider me able to take on caring responsibilities. That really hurt. Also the fact that having a baby would reduce the time I would have available to care for my uncle seemed to be completely lost on her.

People like that are so unreasonable, so ignorant and so stupid, that I cannot imagine how you can reply. How dare they say those things to you?

fitzwilliamdarcy · 14/07/2023 11:19

@Girlfrom15YearsAgo Those people are clear evidence that parenthood does not simply confer compassion, caring and kindness on a person. Awful.

HenriettaTheVIII · 14/07/2023 11:26

fitzwilliamdarcy · 14/07/2023 11:19

@Girlfrom15YearsAgo Those people are clear evidence that parenthood does not simply confer compassion, caring and kindness on a person. Awful.

I was just about to say this! It’s amazing how most of the cruel, evilthings are said by parents - the ones who profess we don’t know what true love, compassion, caring, selflessness is 🙄

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 14/07/2023 12:17

I've been told I'm "too modern a woman". I've also been told that I'll be lonely when I'm old, and that I don't know what love is.

My favourite was being told there was something wrong with me that I needed therapy to fix.

Flanksteak · 14/07/2023 12:49

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 14/07/2023 12:17

I've been told I'm "too modern a woman". I've also been told that I'll be lonely when I'm old, and that I don't know what love is.

My favourite was being told there was something wrong with me that I needed therapy to fix.

The thing I never understand is we are apparently broken, need therapy, evil, pedophiles, weird, groomers and whatever else but the people saying that want us to have children 🤔

Lykkeli · 14/07/2023 13:01

'you'll die alone' is a common one. At the end of the day, we'll all die, when we're dead we won't know whether we're alone or not, what does it matter? Also having worked in elderly care, I can say with certainty that having children does not guarantee they'll be there for you in old age. I remember one man who told me his family hadn't visited in one year, and since I had never once seen them on my shifts, I can vouch for it.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/07/2023 13:04

I've been told I'm "too modern a woman"

I love that. Straight out of the 1920s phrasebook. I bet you think women have a right to education as well. You flapper, you!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/07/2023 13:07

Lykkeli · 14/07/2023 13:01

'you'll die alone' is a common one. At the end of the day, we'll all die, when we're dead we won't know whether we're alone or not, what does it matter? Also having worked in elderly care, I can say with certainty that having children does not guarantee they'll be there for you in old age. I remember one man who told me his family hadn't visited in one year, and since I had never once seen them on my shifts, I can vouch for it.

My mother died alone. It was midnight, she was asleep, as was everyone in her care home bar the nurses who were doing their rounds and found her soon afterwards. Having three children didn't stop that.

I think what these people mean is 'you'll lie on your floor for days and no-one will find you' and of course that's a worry. But 'you'll die alone' is a silly comment because who has control over the manner and timing of their death anyway?

Lykkeli · 14/07/2023 13:15

I'm sorry about your mother.
Yes exactly, it's just a nasty thing to say,.

Theraininpsain · 14/07/2023 14:02

Yeah, I'm not expecting to enjoy my death anyway. It seems like quite a high price to pay to go through pregnancy and labour and then a couple of decades of tedious child-rearing where I can never prioritise myself because it might mean the kids'll be there when I die.

JudgeAnderson · 14/07/2023 14:05

Weirdly I haven't had too many negative comments - blunt questions I don't mind, I'm from a blunt culture.
I suspect I come across as odd enough that no-one is too suprised if my life choices are less conventional. Either that or I'm oblivious to the judgement.

I suspect my PIL are gutted as DH is their only son (they do have other grandkids though) but that's not my problem.

BashfulClam · 14/07/2023 14:32

Someone said to me ‘you dint know what real love is u to you have children!’ I said ‘oh so your children don’t live you then as they have had children to know real love?’ Also got told ‘it makes you less selfish!’ By the biggest selfish wanker I’ve ever met, I’d hate to have met her before her children’s birth.

JudgeAnderson · 14/07/2023 14:35

Oh yes I did have one person call me selfish for not wanting children and then followed it up by "but it's probably for the best as you'd just fuck them up".

However this person was on a a huge mission to be generally unpleasant to me as he was obsessed with my then-DP and felt that I was dreadfully in the way of his mancrush, so I can't say I took it personally.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 14/07/2023 15:11

BashfulClam · 14/07/2023 14:32

Someone said to me ‘you dint know what real love is u to you have children!’ I said ‘oh so your children don’t live you then as they have had children to know real love?’ Also got told ‘it makes you less selfish!’ By the biggest selfish wanker I’ve ever met, I’d hate to have met her before her children’s birth.

The 'it's so selfish!' type remarks are comedy gold. Always said by the completely oblivious to the fact that having children is arguably about the most selfish choice anyone can possibly face in the course of their lives.

Seriously. Next time you hear it, just ask them 'why did you choose to have children then?', and you'll get back a list of answers that all revolve around what it meant to the replier.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/07/2023 17:05

Lykkeli · 14/07/2023 13:15

I'm sorry about your mother.
Yes exactly, it's just a nasty thing to say,.

Thanks. It wasn't a bad death, as deaths go. She was in palliative care with not too much pain, and as my brother said, that was DM all over. She was ready to start out so she went. Even as kids it was 'Get down here and in the car RIGHT NOW! I'm ready to go and I'm not waiting!' She didn't like hanging around and didn't even at the end.

happigolucky · 14/07/2023 18:06

I'm 'fundamentally flawed", not "achieved my womanly potential" and my favourite, "God is punishing me". All from my "christian" darling Mother.
Thankfully, I have an amazingly supportive and loving husband, PIL and SIL

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/07/2023 18:35

happigolucky · 14/07/2023 18:06

I'm 'fundamentally flawed", not "achieved my womanly potential" and my favourite, "God is punishing me". All from my "christian" darling Mother.
Thankfully, I have an amazingly supportive and loving husband, PIL and SIL

I can't see how God is punishing you if you didn't want children in the first place (sorry if that's a wrong assumption). When people say stuff like this I can't help wondering why their God is so bothered about what I do to don't do.

Original poster
derekdied · 15/07/2023 20:31

Catchasingmewithspiders · 11/07/2023 17:24

I got told on MN that as a woman without a child my life was inherently worth less than a parents life, and in a situation where it came down to me dying vs a parent dying (think hostage situation or lack of donor organs) that I should be willing to volunteer to die because I am inherently less worthy

On the feminism board

Because all women are equal but some women are more equal than others

This is my biggest worry and I've internalised it and fully believe it. No one has ever explicitly said this to me but I know this is how people think and I believe that people/society thinks my life is worth less than that of a parent.

My even bigger fear is leaving nothing behind. Nothing to say I was here and I feel a lot of pressure to ensure I leave a legacy. Because I'm great. I have to say that. I've had to learn to believe that as no one else to think it for me.

On a happier note I'm super happy to hear about all the lovely christmases your way and non-christmases too!

OP posts:
BunnyBettChetwynd · 15/07/2023 21:45

Having seen people die I would say that all people die alone, even those surrounded by family and friends. The slipping away is something we all ultimately do on our own. I think any comfort gained is by the people remaining, not the person leaving.

Much better to worry about the manner of your living rather than your dying.

Grayson Perry's Recipe for Humanity
You will die, you are alone
There is no God upon his throne
Impose thy will upon earth's mess
Else your life is meaningless
No hell below, no heaven above
Live life now and act with love.

Catsmere · 16/07/2023 02:01

I'll be happy if a seven-foot-tall skeleton with a scythe comes along. We could talk about cats.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 16/07/2023 09:26

Catsmere · 16/07/2023 02:01

I'll be happy if a seven-foot-tall skeleton with a scythe comes along. We could talk about cats.

YOU DON'T DIE ALONE, DEATH IS WITH YOU.

musixa · 16/07/2023 09:42

Catsmere · 16/07/2023 02:01

I'll be happy if a seven-foot-tall skeleton with a scythe comes along. We could talk about cats.

Here's your ideal Grim Reaper:

Worst comment you've had as a child free woman