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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Nanny wants husband to occasionally join for days out

207 replies

tokajlover · 14/08/2024 20:16

We are just about to start employing a nanny for the first time for our DD (2). She hasn’t started yet but we had the first settling in session today, and while we have had 0 reservations about her before this, she mentioned today almost as a one-off comment that she would like us to meet her husband at some point too, as he might sometimes, rarely, join them for day outs or similar.

I didn’t say anything in the moment but I am not feeling ok with this: we have never had a nanny before and I am due to start work in less than a month, and this is the first time she has mentioned this, despite having a very lenghty interview, where we made it clear one of the key reasons we didn’t go with a childminder is that we knew, because as a SAHM for the past two years, I have observed this, they were visiting friends during working hours with the kids, and we thought this was both a safeguarding issue and inappropriate given they were working. She only mentioned this now, during our settling in session, and to be honest I was quite taken aback in the moment. Surely this is not standard practice?

My question is how do I broach this with her, and clarify what she meant, and make it clear we are not comfortable with this. And how do I trust this doesn’t happen going forward without my knowledge? Surely her husband won’t be DBS checked, he won’t have liability insurance, we didn’t hire him to look after our daughter, as well as the fact you wouldn’t expect to meet up with your husband during working hours?

I am not sure if this is something that can happen in certain settings and people are okay with it under certain circumstances and I am the unreasonable one, so am looking for views on that, as well as any advice on how to handle this going forward. I worry she might think us a bit not knowledgeable and naive as we haven’t had a nanny before.

Thank you!

EDIT: Typo in title, nanny wants husband to occassionaly join them for days out

OP posts:
5475878237NC · 14/08/2024 20:20

Do you have a contract? Is she through an agency as they could address this for you? I would suggest a conversation where you review expectations and say you don't feel comfortable with her meeting her husband for days out as this means her focus isn't solely her charge.

SeLHopeful2024 · 14/08/2024 20:21

I would not be OK with that.

Leaving it there for the better informed to advise, but I'd see that as a red flag too.

A nanny (or in my case a childminder) is paid to work, not socialise.
I trust my childminder as she works with two assistants in her setting. I wouldn't be happy if they were taking partners along on their day trips.

Anonym00se · 14/08/2024 20:22

If she worked in an office she wouldn’t take her husband into work with her. It sounds a bit weird.

Original poster
tokajlover · 14/08/2024 20:23

5475878237NC · 14/08/2024 20:20

Do you have a contract? Is she through an agency as they could address this for you? I would suggest a conversation where you review expectations and say you don't feel comfortable with her meeting her husband for days out as this means her focus isn't solely her charge.

We do have a contract. No, we found her privately not through an agency. She has references, all the necessary checks etc, we just didn’t go through an agency.

The contract doesn’t explicitly mention not meeting up with other people because we thought this was self-evident in the job description, which as you say, mentions that my DD is her sole charge.

thanks for the response!

OP posts:
Bemusedandconfusedagain · 14/08/2024 20:23

I've had nannies for years and I wouldn't be keen on this. Her job is to look after your child, not to spend time with her husband.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/08/2024 20:24

No way!
I personally wouldn’t feel she was qualified if this crossed her mind. If however you want to continue with employment I would ask in what capacity he would be joining- ie. As a helper, ie. A paid employee of hers or is he after a free day out.

RedHelenB · 14/08/2024 20:26

Are the hours regular office hours? If so yanbu. However, if it's evenings/weekends I'd maybe give a little flexibility with the proviso he's vetted ams you get to meet him.

Original poster
tokajlover · 14/08/2024 20:27

RedHelenB · 14/08/2024 20:26

Are the hours regular office hours? If so yanbu. However, if it's evenings/weekends I'd maybe give a little flexibility with the proviso he's vetted ams you get to meet him.

Yes, part-time working hours during the working day, no weekends or evenings.

OP posts:
Durdledore · 14/08/2024 20:29

No thank you.

Red flag that she’d even consider this an ok thing to do, let alone the off the cuff way she raised it with you.

dontcryformeargentina · 14/08/2024 20:30

No way. Red flag and massive risk to your baby.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 14/08/2024 20:32

We've had nannies for years and this has never happened. I would absolutely not be ok with it.

Sometimes they have teamed up with other nannies for the day but they have all been working together.

One of our nannies had an abusive partner who came to our home. We had to install cameras. It was a complete nightmare.

I would bring it up quickly to make sure that you all start off understanding what the expectation is.

ZoChan · 14/08/2024 20:32

As an ofsted registered childminder, my husband is dbs checked, as will my children once they turn 16 just because they live here, where I work with others children. Any visitors are never left alone with the children, just as you would do with your own child. There are more regulatory checks as a childminder, than a nanny, because you are their employer, not ofsted

K37529 · 14/08/2024 20:33

I’d look for a new nanny

Kimmeridge · 14/08/2024 20:34

Definitely not. It's not like she's working weekends & evenings. As pp said she wouldn't take him to work if she worked in an office/shop

I'm sure they can cope with being apart during her working hours

ZoChan · 14/08/2024 20:34

(Of course, ofsted is not my employer, but my regulatory body- but there's loads of hoops to jump for them.)

StormingNorman · 14/08/2024 20:34

Hard no from me.

i’d explain that I would prefer she gave her full attention to the DC while she’s working, and that it is a safeguarding concern for you as you haven’t DBS checked him or observed him interacting with the children. In the first few months she willl need time to get to know the DC and they will need time to feel confident and comfortable with her. It’s better not to bring anyone else into those relationships just yet.

LucyLocketLovesPollyPocket · 14/08/2024 20:35

I was a nanny pre kids and this would be utterly unprofessional. Although I do know many who have done it. Tell her now it isn't acceptable and her dh isn't to join any activities with your dc while she's working.

Unfortunately as a nanny some lines can be blurry, what's acceptable to one family isn't another. You need to make the rules clear now.

thismummydrinksgin · 14/08/2024 20:35

I'd contact her and say if this will be happening you can not continue with the employment.

HappierTimesAhead · 14/08/2024 20:37

This is weird. I wonder if her husband is controlling. Whatever the reason, it's not okay.

DeathByResponsibilities · 14/08/2024 20:38

That is so weird

Shiningout · 14/08/2024 20:41

Absolutely not. This is supposed to be work not a date night. Quite shocked she would even think that's acceptable tbh.

Original poster
tokajlover · 14/08/2024 20:42

Thank you all for the replies.

I am feeling a bit pissed off to be honest as now even if she agrees not to do it, the fact she even thought it was ok to begin with makes me question things, and it feels like we’d be starting off on the wrong foot.

Ugh…beyond frustrating. It’s not even that many hours a week!

OP posts:
HappierTimesAhead · 14/08/2024 20:43

tokajlover · 14/08/2024 20:42

Thank you all for the replies.

I am feeling a bit pissed off to be honest as now even if she agrees not to do it, the fact she even thought it was ok to begin with makes me question things, and it feels like we’d be starting off on the wrong foot.

Ugh…beyond frustrating. It’s not even that many hours a week!

And that makes it weirder because why does she feel the need to involve her husband in a part time job?

Ribenaberry12 · 14/08/2024 20:44

That does sound weird. Having said that, I used to live next door to a nanny and the family she worked for would occasionally drop the children (and dog) off at her house for overnight stays with her and her family. She said that it was if they had to travel away for family funerals or if they were having a weekend away.

Anewuser · 14/08/2024 20:45

You hit the nail on the head when you said would she take him to any other job. Imagine telling Tesco, your husband might join you stacking shelves.

You have nothing to lose at the moment by telling her and trialing it. You’ll know quickly whether it will work or not.