Nanny wants husband to occasionally join for days out

[tokajlover]

We are just about to start employing a nanny for the first time for our DD (2). She hasn’t started yet but we had the first settling in session today, and while we have had 0 reservations about her before this, she mentioned today almost as a one-off comment that she would like us to meet her husband at some point too, as he might sometimes, rarely, join them for day outs or similar.

I didn’t say anything in the moment but I am not feeling ok with this: we have never had a nanny before and I am due to start work in less than a month, and this is the first time she has mentioned this, despite having a very lenghty interview, where we made it clear one of the key reasons we didn’t go with a childminder is that we knew, because as a SAHM for the past two years, I have observed this, they were visiting friends during working hours with the kids, and we thought this was both a safeguarding issue and inappropriate given they were working. She only mentioned this now, during our settling in session, and to be honest I was quite taken aback in the moment. Surely this is not standard practice?

My question is how do I broach this with her, and clarify what she meant, and make it clear we are not comfortable with this. And how do I trust this doesn’t happen going forward without my knowledge? Surely her husband won’t be DBS checked, he won’t have liability insurance, we didn’t hire him to look after our daughter, as well as the fact you wouldn’t expect to meet up with your husband during working hours?

I am not sure if this is something that can happen in certain settings and people are okay with it under certain circumstances and I am the unreasonable one, so am looking for views on that, as well as any advice on how to handle this going forward. I worry she might think us a bit not knowledgeable and naive as we haven’t had a nanny before.

Thank you!

EDIT: Typo in title, nanny wants husband to occassionaly join them for days out

Not ok at all.
Why cant you just be straightforward and say that?

No, he did something completely different and anyway is retired early now

A very hard NO. Weird as fuck.

I would be asking if he is dbs checked, whether he will ever be left solely looking after them if she nips to the loo? Would he be around them ever if she were undressing them or helping them in the bathroom, whether she intended on taking your child/children back to their home? I wouldn't be happy with this. I just feel as though, even if he's safe, she will be distracted.

I don't know your full situation but I would rather look after my child than pay a nanny.
I don't get a good feeling about this situation.

I find it bizarre!

I would not be happy with this.
And I sacked our first nanny after 3 weeks.
Trust your gut instinct
Tell her no. Her husband is not to come to your home. In fact no one comes to your home without your permission including other Nannies or kids.
And. She does not meet with anyone else except at baby / kid groups, without your permission

And. If it doesn't work. Trust your instinct and Sack her quickly.

I wouldn't go with this as she hasn't even started and already issues. A big red flag 🚩

I wouldn’t hire her at this point. I would be afraid that even if you tell her this is inappropriate she will do it anyway without you knowing. I would with someone else

No.

Is she not capable despite her varied experience of having sole charge of one child part time by herself ?
Why on earth would a stranger join them on a day out ? stranger to the child that is, not a stranger to the nanny.

At the age of 2, just how far does she think she is taking the child ?
which leads on to, how is she taking a 2 year old out - walking / bus / car - whose car ?

from that one question I can see too many red flags appearing - i.e. would her husband be driving your child etc.

I would now be readvertising.

and if necessary i would involve an agency as they are likely to have some nannnies that will be available.

no
she is working. he is not part of this

Hard no. YANBU. Former nanny employer here too.

This totally. I think she'll do it anyway or something else that is rather out there. I'd look for someone else.

You might not have meant it this way but your first sentence made me feel super shitty. I didn’t include this entire backstory in my post as irrelevant to topic at hand but this has not been an easy decision for me. Outside my husband, who is great, I have not had a consistent support system and looked after my DD exclusively for over 2 years, because I really wanted to “be there” for her early years. This was not a decision without financial or personal implications on us.

My decision to return to work was not an easy one, but I would eventually have to return to work, once she starts school, and I work in an industry with few local jobs and even fewer part-time ones. It is very possible an equivalent, local part-time job at my level would not have come up for years, so even though I could stay home for longer, I would have potentially only found a job with a long commute and standard full-time hours (which in my industry are long), potentially at a demotion after even more time out of the workforce. So I sacrificed the amount of time spent at home full-time with her with a view to maximise how much I am home with her long-term, by taking on a job that is part-time and flexible, where I am with her for more of the week than not.

I thought having a nanny was the second best choice, as she’d have an attachment figure in sole charge of her, whom she could develop a relationship with, and I’d still be around for more of the week than not. And again, this is a part-time role.

Of course I would rather look after her than hire a nanny - but I am just trying to make the decisions that are best for her long-term, and guarantee I am around for more of the time, even if I may now return to work earlier than I could/would have originally planned to.

I will obviously not put anything above my daughter, if this doesn’t work out, but your sentence implied a more general view of my situation and decision to return to work.

I am feeling a bit pissed off to be honest as now even if she agrees not to do it, the fact she even thought it was ok to begin with makes me question things, and it feels like we’d be starting off on the wrong foot.

You are absolutely right about this. It's two big issues - one is the basic safeguarding of an unknown, non-DBS checked man having access to your child and two is that she thought it was ok.

You won't trust her and you need to terminate this now before it starts.
otherwise you will have a horrible and stressful few months and then you'll have to sack her and you'll regret you didn't before.

I'm far along into this sort of hiring and can tell you from bitter experience that you should always ALWAYS go with your gut instinct because you end up there anyway and live to regret it.

Get rid of her and start again.

Drinks after work/celebratiojs etc when everyone is present is totally different from the nanny announcing the husband is coming on days out with the child during the day.

You don't need to explain or justify yourself @tokajlover .
You've made a huge decision to balance career needs and family needs for 2 years. You've done amazing.

It's hard going back to work how ever long you've been off.
I'm sorry this situation is making it even more stressful for you.

I'd add to that you are lucky you got this now that early.

remember when people start working somewhere new they are on their best behaviour.

I've had a situation where it took 2.5 months for the serious problems to become clear. It made me much more cautious and fortunately, I was working from home so was there. i was in a right state of worry about what the positiono would have been if I'd just been supervising /around for a couple of weeks and then left them to it.

It takes time to assess whether the person is right for you and your home and actually properly good at the job.

Talk to her. The major and amazing bonus of a nanny over any other form of childcare is that it's individual.

Tell her you're happy to meet her husband, be clear that until you have done so you don't want him to be introduced to your child and that you aren't sure how you feel about him joining on days out.

Our nanny had been with us for 3 years and she's great. Her husband had a job and she's only with us during working hours so he's never come on trips. However she has 2 young nephews and I know her mum takes them to the same toddler group she takes my boys to. She checked with me that this was ok and I was totally fine with it - my boys like her nephews and then play together and get some good socialization. Yes, I'm sure that our nanny had a good natter with her mum while the kids play, but I'm completely fine with that as it's only part of the day and then get lots of interaction the rest of the time.

For a nanny to work well for you, you need to be able to have really open conversation a a bit your child, otherwise you aren't really getting the benefit. If she's someone you don't feel you can talk to about your preferences then she isn't the nanny for you. That's ok, you jusy need to look a bit longer for someone that matches what you want.

Whatever you do, don’t agree to meet the husband. He’s got sod all to do with her employment or your DC. If you agree to meet him, the implication is that this is to vet him for approval to spend time with your DC. Meeting him would give you zero idea of whether he’s got criminal convictions, malevolent intent, is controlling his DW etc…. Meeting him neither proves nor solves anything - it just removes your ability to say no based on just the principle.

I hate awkward conflict so I really feel for you and would struggle to handle this, but I’d definitely be writing to her to rescind the job offer, citing concerns around her professional judgement. And then leave it at that.

And that you require an enhanced DBS check before entrusting your children to him, along with testimonials on his childcare competence.

100% what @StringTheory1 says

My children had a nanny for approx five years. She was in her 60s and at one time had a ‘gentleman friend’ who I saw once outside our house (once that I am aware of). It made me very uncomfortable and worried and I did raise it with her and asked if he had been in the house. She assured me that he hadn’t but of course I don’t really know.

She often brought my DC to meet with her friends who were also nannies and they went to the playground together and met at the local toddler groups, which I never had a problem with and was in fact pleased she did as being a nanny is a hard and tiring job.

I don’t suppose you can ask her not to ‘bump into’ people outside the house and who really knows if nannies do this but just don’t mention it. Have you checked her references and asked her other families about this?

I would be uncomfortable with the situation you describe . It is far easier to deal with this now before she starts the role. What awful timing for you but better to find someone before you start back than have to do it in a couple of months time

Her husband sounds weird. It’s a no from me

Hard no. In my experience agreeing to something like this is likely a slippery slope. Certainly was with us. Nanny pushed one boundary, then just kept pushing and had less and less reapect.

Tbh the fact she has raised this. I'd start looking for a new nanny and give notice as I just wouldn't trust her.