Nanny wants husband to occasionally join for days out

[tokajlover]

We are just about to start employing a nanny for the first time for our DD (2). She hasn’t started yet but we had the first settling in session today, and while we have had 0 reservations about her before this, she mentioned today almost as a one-off comment that she would like us to meet her husband at some point too, as he might sometimes, rarely, join them for day outs or similar.

I didn’t say anything in the moment but I am not feeling ok with this: we have never had a nanny before and I am due to start work in less than a month, and this is the first time she has mentioned this, despite having a very lenghty interview, where we made it clear one of the key reasons we didn’t go with a childminder is that we knew, because as a SAHM for the past two years, I have observed this, they were visiting friends during working hours with the kids, and we thought this was both a safeguarding issue and inappropriate given they were working. She only mentioned this now, during our settling in session, and to be honest I was quite taken aback in the moment. Surely this is not standard practice?

My question is how do I broach this with her, and clarify what she meant, and make it clear we are not comfortable with this. And how do I trust this doesn’t happen going forward without my knowledge? Surely her husband won’t be DBS checked, he won’t have liability insurance, we didn’t hire him to look after our daughter, as well as the fact you wouldn’t expect to meet up with your husband during working hours?

I am not sure if this is something that can happen in certain settings and people are okay with it under certain circumstances and I am the unreasonable one, so am looking for views on that, as well as any advice on how to handle this going forward. I worry she might think us a bit not knowledgeable and naive as we haven’t had a nanny before.

Thank you!

EDIT: Typo in title, nanny wants husband to occassionaly join them for days out

Just tell the nanny this makes you
Uncomfortable and in any case you don't think there will be time for her to meet up with her partner given the play dates and toddler classes you are expecting her to be involved in with your charges - with other Nannies.
obviously it is something that can be discussed down the road but not right now.

And then leave it at that and see if she really does fit your family.

Sorry haven’t RTFT but just a quick one - I am always on the alert for the “almost off the cuff” points - they are often the most important part of the entire discussion and are thrown in to stop that being recognised. I’ve done it myself (often) on negotiations on transactions and sometimes it’s spotted, sometimes not. She likely knows it’s very odd hence the way it was said, and also if it was genuinely mentioned as if it were fine (which everyone including she knows isn’t the case) then there may be something going on, eg he’s sick, she has other things she needs to do eg study, baking cakes for sale on the side - who knows! - I would spend all my energy understanding exactly what this means in terms of why, when, where, what is she/he doing, and basically why on earth this is even being discussed with you. X

No, absolutely not. It makes your child an irritating add on to Nanny and husband's day out!
You are paying for a service, and no, she cannot bring another person along - it alters the whole vibe. It's like going on holiday with your friend and she wants to bring her husband along!
'Don't mind the man standing behind my till/desk, it's just my husband...'
It's a job, not a favour she's doing you.
Now that you know she has this in mind, will you trust her?

@Greategret
By the way, beware the phrase, "She was very good with the children". In my experience this was code for coming home to a house in complete disarray.

It's not mutually exclusive though. Same as some parents who keep a tidy home and some who don't.

No, no and a world of no. This is highly inappropriate. I'd be terminating the contract and be going to an agency. It was not a proper thing to ask. It would be like me asking if I could bring my husband along when I'm teaching.

I got some really helpful replies here for which I am very thankful, can’t reply to everyone as still looking full-time after my daughter at the
moment and having a crazy couple of days, but thought I’d update.

My DH called her today to clarify, and according to the nanny, she said that’s not what she meant and that she only wanted us to meet him in case he ever picks her up, drops something she’d forgotten or as we live in a smaller town, they bump into him in town etc. She said she would never even take her to any activity, including with other nannies without asking for permission. Apparently she was very strong about it.

I do remember what she said though, and if she meant the above it’s definitely not what came out to be honest. Her exact words were that it hasn’t happened often, but sometimes her husband joined her and the kid(s) in her care for a day out if he was around, and she wanted us to meet him in case that happened. That to me sounds different to what she said above.

My DH is reassured by this, I am in two minds. Would appreciate any thoughts and advice, but realis I have to make up my mind quite sharply about whether I trust her or not.

I am sure I will be asked why I didn’t speak to her myself, but there is a good reason for that, we are trying to do everything by the book and we agreed that my DH should be her line manager, which he is, as he wanted to be the one to have the “difficult conversations” if they ever arose so I wouldn’t deal with the added stress of this and a new job.

Based on your update, she is backtracking.

Personally I think you know what she said. Trust your instinct.

I think, as my dd is the most precious thing to me in the world, if I had 1% doubt I would not go ahead.
you will never get this red flag out of your head and i think you will always be wondering / worrying about it.

I also think that having a nanny is the very best childcare you could choose - yes maybe I am biased but I think nannies are ' better ' than childminders or nurseries.

I also think depending on when nanny was supposed to start ?
that you may have to get a temp nanny through an agency - yes i know this will break the consistency of care which is not what you were wanting,
or maybe dh could take a week of annual leave ? or you may need to postpone your start date ? or maybe there is a grandparent / aunty or a family member that could help out ?

my advice…find a new nanny…

You don't know her yet. She is a complete unknown quantity really.
I think she's paying lip service to your firm boundaries but will be more liberal when you're not looking. So, yes there is the worst case scenario which is the big worry, but even if it is low level porous integrity, that's not what you're looking for.
You're in a really difficult position having invested so much to get you this far, I think it's crap that you're now trying to judge if it was a mangled miscommunication moment or a backtrack.

If you knew her well you would be in a far better position to judge this or discuss it, bit that level of relationship is not even close to being established yet.
It sucks.

You know what she said and therefore you know that she is now lying.

I worked as a nanny at the start of my career and now I'm a teacher. I would not let this woman look after my children for a single moment.

It's actually worse that she has said that she didn't mean that she wanted her dh to go out with your dd because you know that she did say that.

She is backtracking. Trust your instinct that it would be inappropriate (and was inappropriate to mention in an interview). I suspect you will always be worried that the husband will be joining in at some point so not a good starting point. Once trust is lost in terms of childcare it's lost!

Also... we have had several situations go rather wrong (in different ways) with nannies (but then had one for 8 years who has become a friend).

Each time something went wrong there was some small issue at the interview stage which, possibly naively, we chose to overlook.

Just to add this is a person you want to have a close relationship with for many years to come. This relationship is based on mutual trust, respect, honesty and transparency. Of course there will be times, as you organically grow closer to one another, that you will do things differently or she will do something you’re not pleased about. But the foundation of your relationship will be strong enough for your daughter to always be the priority.

If it helps OP, two weeks before I was due back to work, my childcare plans that I had spent months preparing, fell apart. I was devastated. My second plan also fell apart after a few months back at work. At the time I was ready to quit work and it was then I decided to try the nanny route and never looked back.
It isn’t too late to find somebody new. Start the process now and you will have more time together to be comfortable before you return to work.

By the way describing your husband as her ‘line manager’ is a bit odd. She will be a huge part of your child’s life and an important part of your family. You both need to be comfortable discussing anything to do with your child both individually and together.

I find that husbands are easily reassured as it saved the hassle of starting again to look for a nanny. Not that the majority of them do the hard yards of finding them. She goes. End of. She's dropped it casually, realised what she said, lied to him and treated him like he's thick. She goes.

I just meant that’s what my husband technically is to her, as per her contract. She is also an employee and any concerns have to be discussed in a proper way. Of course I would also be comfortable discussing them with her, but this is what we thought was the most “proper” route to begin with.

I don't think that having your dh as her line manager is the right way to go - a nanny is looking after your child and they need to see you as the boss, as much as they see your dh as one! Going down the dh as line manager route has also led to this problem where what she has said to you is completely different to what she's said to your dh. If you had handled this conversation, you would have been able to say 'no, that's not what you said'. Dh can't because he wasn't there. You've now just created a 'he said, she said' situation.

But I agree with pp, the trust has gone and you will never be relaxed. You are paying a premium for a nanny, you need one you totally believe in. She's taking you for a mug - it's disrespectful.

No this is not acceptable.

The way people treat nannies varies greatly. I would assume from what she said that she's had an employer previously (maybe her last one, you can always call them for a chat as you presumably have their number for references etc) who have taken a less formal approach, the nanny is part of the family type thing. This is not uncommon. It's not right or wrong, it's just different from how you do things/want things done.

I totally understand why you don't want to operate this way. I don't really understand why you're insistent that she's being dishonest or would go against your wishes or timed her statement deliberately etc. If she was that type of person she could have just bright her husband along without mentioning it. The very fact that she mentioned it and wanted you to meet him suggests she's an honest and upfront person.

A little advice going forward, whether you keep this nanny or not, it is a relationship that benefits from trust and warmth. The use of the term 'line manager'suggests you might not be fully onboard with this. I'd question whether a nanny is the right choice for you.

So I think it's such bollocks to generalise in this way.

I have never used a childminder but as I said upthread, nannies, nurseries, and au pairs.

A professional nanny that you get on well with is great, of course. One that lies about things is not and there is no guilt like a parent thinking how did they miss something about someone in your home and with your child.

Obvs you can do that with other child care too. But by two there are nurseries where the child would be absolutely fine, much more than fine relative to weak nanny.

I appreciate your perspective and maybe I am being too harsh, happy to consider it’s why I posted! Also agree she could have done it without asking so maybe I was uncharitable in the assumptions I had. So thanks for that, I genuinely appreciate this perspective.

I disagree with the last paragraph though - I didn’t think people would get stuck on the “line manager” bit so much. I am being technical because I want to do things by the book, that doesn’t mean I can’t think about things in a complex manner, ie understanding a nanny has to be a trusted person and extended part of the family, while also acknowledging that she is our employee, and therefore we have certain obligations towards her about conducting ourselves with professionalism. I think not being aware of that can open her up to unprofessional behaviour from us too.

I have read some Mumsnet threads where someone was dealing with an issue or another, and they tried to address it informally, but the agreement and main advice was to follow the procedure set out in the contract to make sure everyone was treated right. That’s all I am trying to do. I can’t act fully as if this is not a job where we are her employers because we are! As I said, this protects everyone.

I am actually personally aware of the dynamics having a good nanny can have on your family: I had one for two years when I was little, she became an extended member of our family, like a grandma figure, still keep in touch with her. It’s why I wanted to replicate the experience for my DD if possible.

I don't think it's at all feasible or realistic to proceed with this nanny @tokajlover. The trust has been eroded before she has even started minding your baby and you would never, ever be comfortable with this arrangement going forward. And you simply must trust your instincts. You know what you heard and what was to be inferred from that. She has been caught out spectacularly and is now gaslighting you. No, just no.

I'm not sure on what basis you can terminate her contract before she has even started so maybe get some advice on how best to handle parting ways.

You sound like you'll be a lonely employer once you get settled.

I do think in this instance the insistence on formality/her line manager contacting her has shot you in the foot a bit. As a pp said it's hard for your DH to challenge her about a conversation he wasn't privy to. For the nanny, it creates a good cop/bad cop situation, where she knows she's upset you, but gets a call from him...almost like a 'wait till your Dad gets home' vibe! You haven't done yourself any favours with that.

I have no idea what your first sentence means.