Nanny wants husband to occasionally join for days out

[tokajlover]

We are just about to start employing a nanny for the first time for our DD (2). She hasn’t started yet but we had the first settling in session today, and while we have had 0 reservations about her before this, she mentioned today almost as a one-off comment that she would like us to meet her husband at some point too, as he might sometimes, rarely, join them for day outs or similar.

I didn’t say anything in the moment but I am not feeling ok with this: we have never had a nanny before and I am due to start work in less than a month, and this is the first time she has mentioned this, despite having a very lenghty interview, where we made it clear one of the key reasons we didn’t go with a childminder is that we knew, because as a SAHM for the past two years, I have observed this, they were visiting friends during working hours with the kids, and we thought this was both a safeguarding issue and inappropriate given they were working. She only mentioned this now, during our settling in session, and to be honest I was quite taken aback in the moment. Surely this is not standard practice?

My question is how do I broach this with her, and clarify what she meant, and make it clear we are not comfortable with this. And how do I trust this doesn’t happen going forward without my knowledge? Surely her husband won’t be DBS checked, he won’t have liability insurance, we didn’t hire him to look after our daughter, as well as the fact you wouldn’t expect to meet up with your husband during working hours?

I am not sure if this is something that can happen in certain settings and people are okay with it under certain circumstances and I am the unreasonable one, so am looking for views on that, as well as any advice on how to handle this going forward. I worry she might think us a bit not knowledgeable and naive as we haven’t had a nanny before.

Thank you!

EDIT: Typo in title, nanny wants husband to occassionaly join them for days out

Absolute no.

Also agree it's a red flag for the question to even be asked.
Find a different nanny

I’d find another nanny too. She sounds unprofessional, and even if you told her that this wasn’t ok with you, you’d be worrying the whole time that she was meeting up with her partner while looking after your child. It’s such a weird thing to even say. It also sounds like she’s not confident in her ability to be in sole charge of your child.

I’d be weirded out too, apart from the distractibility factor.

To be fair she has loads of experience, don’t want this to be too outing but she has worked in numerous childcare settings before including nannying and looking after multiple children at once. She also comes across as so competent and was great today. I am so confused and hope I misunderstood her but also worry about checking what she meant and her backtracking only because she realises I am not okay with it

Does the nanny have children? I wouldn't have a problem with this if the husband and children were joining but otherwise a bit odd. However, nothing wrong with childminders meeting friends / other childminders.

This would be a red flag for me. I would never feel comfortable leaving my LO with a nanny that suggested bringing her husband along to work.
It is not unusual for a nanny to negotiate bringing their own children, but a gown man? How could anyone think that would be appropriate?

No way, this is not standard practice. It's an odd request.

Her child is grown and has left home

We’ve had nannies for years and I think this is completely inappropriate.

Our nanny often meets up with other nannies but I don’t mind this as the children socialise together. I would not allow a nanny to meet up with child free friends when she is supposed to be looking after my kids, never mind her husband.

I hate to say it but absolute worst case he has groomed her to provide access to children for him.

I think you need to raise it with her to check you didn’t hear/misunderstand, and decide by her reaction how you want to deal
with it. Im afraid the trust would probably be gone for me as I’d be questioning her professionalism and judgment.

If you don’t feel comfortable ending the contract now, why you tell her that you would like to meet her husband and get to know him before he joins your LO and his wife on days out.
If she makes it clear that you misunderstood you could go from there.

See, this is why people pay top dollar for Norland nannies, never having to worry about WTF things like this.
As you were.

I would have my employers meet my boyfriend, then fiancé, etc but only once they were home from work. If I was babysitting they were fine with him coming a bit early to pick me up but there would have been no him coming along to days out. He wouldn't be there the whole time I was babysitting either. He was never with me and the dc until they had met him and said he could come.

She hasn't asked. She's telling you.

Tell her no and start looking for someone new when she objects.

If she is taking your DC for a day out as part of her job, why does she think it is okay to take her husband? Next job interview/appraisal, perhaps my husband should casually mention he’ll be taking me to board meetings?

Sorry, but in a childminding environment or any childcare arrangement (ex childminder, guider/scout-leader here), any adult in the childcare setting (ie a DH WFH) would be required to have an enhanced DBS and, even then, parents need to give consent. She should know this.

Unless he happens to also be a nanny, and they'd do day trips together with the children (as many friends might), then it's weird. But that's pretty unlikely and I'm sure she'd mention it if that was the situation.

I wouldn't have a problem personally with then briefly seeing eachother during the day, depending on the circumstances. Say if he'd forgotten his keys, or he needed to pass her something. And if that happened to mean the ice in a blue moon coffee together out, I'd be pretty chilled about it. Day trips is a total different matter and weird though.

She is not that much cheaper per hour than a Norland nanny. She is towards the top of the rate. Money was not the issue. We met her and she said she was fully alligned with our views, which is clearly not the case. We didn’t go for a “cheaper version”, whatever that may mean

No. This is daft.

@tokajlover is a boss and needs to act it. Not be too scared to end a contract so gives in.

My DD is a nanny. About once a year I might join her and her charges on an outing for 2-3 hours - because they want to meet her mum. However, we only do this with the explicit agreement of the parents.

DH on days out would be a flat no from me. Play dates and outings with other nannies are okay - as long as they are still interacting appropriately with the children.

Have you actually spoken to her referees? I’d contact them again and ask if her husband did this with them.

Then I would tell the nanny that under no circumstances can her husband accompany her carrying out her duties to you and your child. 100% non negotiable.

Like you, it concerns me that she would think that this is acceptable to begin with!

Ha ha ha. If only this were true. I know loads of Norland nannies who hang out with their partners during working hours

I don’t get this. My husband and I work in same industry. We even used to work near each other for a bit of our career. Our jobs did sometimes involve networking/stuff that the other could have maybe even somewhat reasonably tagged along to. We never ever would have considered meeting up during paid working hours.

Sorry that wasn't particularly helpful@tokajlover I wasn't implying you were looking for the cheapest solution. I was just reminded of a thread where peeps were saying how ridiculous it is to employ a Norland nanny.
In your case I would absolutely reconsider employing this person, something is not right.

No. She is employed in a professional capacity by you and is working when she is caring for your child. Nursery workers don't all bring their husband or wives to the nursery with them.

Well, you and I have very different experiences then.

Why would her charges want to meet you?

This is bizarre. My kids have never expressed any interest in meeting our nanny’s family, or indeed the mums of anyone they meet, at least not voluntarily/without being prompted.

Sounds like your DD just fancies a bit of help and company on the days out and has probably primed the kids by telling them about you in advance. It’s good you ask the parents permission. I’m not sure id give it in this scenario.