Nanny wants husband to occasionally join for days out

[tokajlover]

We are just about to start employing a nanny for the first time for our DD (2). She hasn’t started yet but we had the first settling in session today, and while we have had 0 reservations about her before this, she mentioned today almost as a one-off comment that she would like us to meet her husband at some point too, as he might sometimes, rarely, join them for day outs or similar.

I didn’t say anything in the moment but I am not feeling ok with this: we have never had a nanny before and I am due to start work in less than a month, and this is the first time she has mentioned this, despite having a very lenghty interview, where we made it clear one of the key reasons we didn’t go with a childminder is that we knew, because as a SAHM for the past two years, I have observed this, they were visiting friends during working hours with the kids, and we thought this was both a safeguarding issue and inappropriate given they were working. She only mentioned this now, during our settling in session, and to be honest I was quite taken aback in the moment. Surely this is not standard practice?

My question is how do I broach this with her, and clarify what she meant, and make it clear we are not comfortable with this. And how do I trust this doesn’t happen going forward without my knowledge? Surely her husband won’t be DBS checked, he won’t have liability insurance, we didn’t hire him to look after our daughter, as well as the fact you wouldn’t expect to meet up with your husband during working hours?

I am not sure if this is something that can happen in certain settings and people are okay with it under certain circumstances and I am the unreasonable one, so am looking for views on that, as well as any advice on how to handle this going forward. I worry she might think us a bit not knowledgeable and naive as we haven’t had a nanny before.

Thank you!

EDIT: Typo in title, nanny wants husband to occassionaly join them for days out

Seems very odd that she would ask that. As an experienced nanny she must be aware of the dbs and safeguarding implications.

I am qualified in childcare and have Nannie's previously.

I never met up with my partner / my family etc when in charge of my nanny children.

My own child came a few times in the holidays - pre arranged with the family - as they were of the same age and thought it would be nice to have someone to play with.

If I was socialising it would be for the benefit of my nanny child - so clubs / other nanny meet ups / friends of the child etc

Definitely make it clear this is not to happen under any circumstances.
Write it into the contract if need be

I would definitely not have agreed to this.

I mean, I think most people would rather look after their child themselves, and to have the support and financial position to allow it, but the fact is that most of us have to work, and childcare such as a Nanny is then required. Few of are in a position to be SAHP, and beyond a certain point many don’t want to be, for various reasons.

Not a fucking chance!
Even if you say no, I would now be wondering if she'd be meeting up with him.

I think she's probably just thinking if her husband is off work one day they could meet up. This is not acceptable. I was a nanny for 20 years and would never have dreamt of it. I would leave it for now and if she mentions again just say no we arnt at all comfortable with that sorry. She won't do it without asking and if she did you would need to sack her.

I have just read this and seen that they're old, so is husband retired?

I would call her and chat about it. Ask what days have looked like when he's joined before/how often etc. it might be that if she wants to take the kids to the seaside for the day or something he could drive and help supervise. Extra free childcare could be great. I would stay open minded and meet him.

I also wondered what he didn't for work eg is he a retired teacher or football coach that loves kids? Do they have kids or grandparents of their own?

It could be like two sweet grandparent figures. Or it could be a paedo.

I would also talk to the references about this before making your mind up.

DH and I kind of slipped into hiring our first nanny. It was a mistake. She had her family round, did exactly as she pleased after a while. One thing I reflected on later was the age dynamic. She was ten years older than us and cinsosered herseld more experienced in all ways, we were gauche kids.I honestly don't think she was prepared to take direction from a younger person. Of course not all nannies would be this unprofessional but she was and I'd watch that dynamic here

I would have a conversation about boundaries but give her a chance if you like her. There needs to be a period of agreeing how you work together.

I think you find out quite quickly if you can trust her or not but this comment alone would not mean my trust was broken. Rather I need to agree boundaries. I would send her an email or text saying to be clear you cannot leave your child in anyone else's care and meeting up with any family members is only by advance agreement.

meeting up with any family members is only by advance agreement

This implies that you may agree at certain times so it leaves the door open. I wouldn't say this

This is unprofessional to an alarming degree. From my experience and the experience of other families that I know well I would suggest that you take this very seriously and discuss it in detail and document the discussion . It is just not something that a professional nanny would do. I totally understand how you feel about setting off on the wrong foot . Make sure the contracts states that all days out etc need to be agreed with you in advance. I wish you all the best I remember how difficult things can be with small children

Not in an million years and I would find someone new as she might do it without you knowing.

When I was a teenager, my mum was a childminder in our home (admittedly this was about 30 years ago, but basic principles still apply).

The whole family (including me, I believe, and I was only 14 when she started) had to checked and cleared before she was able to register. My dad had to have the same clearance etc that she did. My mum can't drive, so occasionally she would have days out with the kids she looked after and my dad would go along too - but that was a) with the parents' knowledge and blessing, b) after they'd met him many times and c) very much in the context of him being cleared through DBS (or whatever it was called at the time). Even then my mum wouldn't have questioned the parents at all if they'd said no.

I'm guessing that, as your nanny is caring for your child in your home rather than hers, her husband wouldn't have been DBS checked (and you also haven't met him, I'm guessing) so I think YANBU to point this out to her and to explain why you aren't comfortable with him coming on days out with your children.

Completely understand agree with the majority of responses, out of interest though what is the ‘massive’ risk here?

On the face of it, I would not like this either but.....

If they are much older than you and he is recently retired maybe they feel that in some respects a day out with both of them will be a family-orientated day in a grandparent-type role.

If he were to be involved I would insist on meeting him several times and for him to be DBS checked. I would then think deeply about whether I wanted this kind of scenario/relationship. It could have benefits if you have no close family around.

If it is hard 'no' then the nanny should respect that. Her dropping it in casually means she was aware it may not be well received, so I would also be unhappy about that aspect.

In that case, I would seriously consider withdrawing the job offer as I would not be comfortable with her looking after my child.

I don't see any reason her DH needs to join her when working PT and in the week. Just say it's not part of the agreement and, sure your DH is lovely, but you're not happy with this. Xx

Massive Red Flag OP. She is taking advantage of your relative newness to the nannying situation. WHO accompanies their partner/spouse to work? I’d trade her in before start. If this is in her head she will find ways around it. I would NEVER employ a nanny or childminder whose partner was inexplicably interested in being around. She could be in a controlling relationship that she is trying to normalise. Either way - your child - your policies. Find somebody else.

Probably that men with unhealthy interests in children tend to ally themselves to partners who are in professions that provide access to children or partake in voluntary activities that enable access?

Under no circumstances should a random male stranger be allowed to interlope on childcare arrangements. Ever. With the nanny’s purported experience, safeguarding training certification, etc, she should absolutely know this. The fact that she is proposing to facilitate it is very concerning. I’m afraid I, personally would end this agreement and go to an agency urgently to find a replacement.

Even to suggest it is wrong. Previously managed a nanny service, placing staff, parent contacted me saying child came back with nanny in different clothes. Followed her on next shift, she went home, changed the child, put in another pram and headed off playing happy families with boyfriend. She was sacked.

Hard no from me too!

In your position and obviously with money to spend I think I'd consider a very good nursery with reliable and long term staff. Plenty of play opportunities for kids, no random husbands tagging along.

We had a qualified live in nanny who lived in an annexe at our house. We were her first employers and we met her parents when they brought her to the interview, we got on like a house on fire as her father had a very similar business to mine. She had two older sisters who had children the same age as mine. In due course we met her boyfriend. She was amazing and stayed with us for 11 years, she married the boyfriend and had 2 children. They now live abroad but we keep in touch. My sons used to go to her parents with her for weekends from time to time and sometimes out with her and boyfriend/husband. My DS 1 was pageboy at her wedding. We still love her to bits and I it really odd that posters on here are seeking relationships with their nannies that seem almost Victorian in their rigidity.

God no.

Best case scenario is that she's unprofessional and has terrible judgment.

Worst case scenario is that she's a groomer who is already trying to push your boundaries and her husband is a danger to your child.

I'd delay your start and bin this nanny. I really would.

Wow, OK. Men are all paedophiles until proven otherwise. Seems fair.

From my experience with people like this, if they are the type to do one random bizarre thing, they will end up doing similar random stuff all the time. The really great nannies / cleaners / any people you come into contact with etc don’t cause you to mentally wrestle over these kind of boundaries. The not so great ones seem to constantly come up with stuff you would never have thought of to make things awkward

I would not have an issue with it on occasion and have been in that scenario. However I would expect the nanny to always be in the care of the children and for them not to be left under the care of the partner. It’s no different in my view to a nanny taking the children on a play date.

The primary carer must have all the checks and qualifications but I wouldn’t expect them to restrict activities on the occasion that they did need to pop home to pickup something etc.