Nanny wants husband to occasionally join for days out

[tokajlover]

We are just about to start employing a nanny for the first time for our DD (2). She hasn’t started yet but we had the first settling in session today, and while we have had 0 reservations about her before this, she mentioned today almost as a one-off comment that she would like us to meet her husband at some point too, as he might sometimes, rarely, join them for day outs or similar.

I didn’t say anything in the moment but I am not feeling ok with this: we have never had a nanny before and I am due to start work in less than a month, and this is the first time she has mentioned this, despite having a very lenghty interview, where we made it clear one of the key reasons we didn’t go with a childminder is that we knew, because as a SAHM for the past two years, I have observed this, they were visiting friends during working hours with the kids, and we thought this was both a safeguarding issue and inappropriate given they were working. She only mentioned this now, during our settling in session, and to be honest I was quite taken aback in the moment. Surely this is not standard practice?

My question is how do I broach this with her, and clarify what she meant, and make it clear we are not comfortable with this. And how do I trust this doesn’t happen going forward without my knowledge? Surely her husband won’t be DBS checked, he won’t have liability insurance, we didn’t hire him to look after our daughter, as well as the fact you wouldn’t expect to meet up with your husband during working hours?

I am not sure if this is something that can happen in certain settings and people are okay with it under certain circumstances and I am the unreasonable one, so am looking for views on that, as well as any advice on how to handle this going forward. I worry she might think us a bit not knowledgeable and naive as we haven’t had a nanny before.

Thank you!

EDIT: Typo in title, nanny wants husband to occassionaly join them for days out

There's no way I'd allow my nanny to have other adults around my children unless the other adults were other childminders/nannies with there children.no one else should be involved

No worries, didn’t take your message in a wrong way, was genuinely bemoaning the fact that she is probably as expensive and experienced as they get for the “non-Norland nanny” group. Really disappointed she said this today, we agreed to hire her in June and she said this now, when I have 3 weeks before I start to find someone new potentially. Obviously my child’s wellbeing comes before everything else, it’s just frustrating because this last-minute “off the cuff” remark seems very deliberate in its timing

100% no for all the reasons set out above

I wouldn't be happy with her just bringing him along for a day trip with dd.

However....

It's very common for childminders and Nannys to meet with other people who have charges the same age or who enjoy the same activities.

There's often forums to arrange these between local childcare people.

So you all arrange to meet at park at 10am, have a picnic lunch etc.

It's good for the child's social development if nothing else.

If she'd said - I have a 2yo myself and wanted to know how you feel about us taking dd and her out - my DH would come - I don't think I'd be bothered by that.

I wouldn't employ her now. She's casually mentioned this, which means she sees it as OK. It's incredibly unprofessional. She seems to have difficulties with boundaries, which really doesn't bode well. What happens when she wants a friend to tag along? Her friend's husband? It's a job, ffs, not a family outing.

Go to an agency - it would be so much easier to deal with this sort of thing via them.

I don’t think this is the big deal you think it is.

You are absolutely within your rights to say that you don’t feel comfortable with her husband joining her for days out. Just make it clear.

In nannying the relationship between the nanny and the employer can sometimes become very close and it may have been usual for the husband to join in with things like Christmas drinks as well as outings with the children. When I was a nanny one employer regularly invited me and my then boyfriend to join family events. We all got on well and it was fun. Not every relationship is like this nor expected to be, but it’s not that unknown.

Maybe because she is a live in nanny and they talk about me sometimes. I’ve done it twice. Two families. With the parents’ blessing. Unlikely to do it with her current family as they have little interest.

The important thing here is that the parents are comfortable and that they and the nanny are on the same page.

We had this request once from a trusted babysitter. But it was a boyfriend. It was a flat ‘no’ and it put me off using her after that. In your situation even if there is nothing untoward it is totally unprofessional and her attention would be divided. Totally inappropriate. I would be finding another nanny especially as you are paying a good rate from the sound of it. I would be checking those references again at the least. Very odd.

@tokajlover that didn’t sound very professional at all. I would not feel comfortable for many reasons. Even with meeting him.

@tokajlover somehow that is exactly how I understood her move. Sprung on you late in the proceedings: you either go along or have to re-organise everything in very little time. Why not mention it in June? Manipulative, infuriating. She is, at best, unprofessional for even thinking any of it is fine.
You know how we sometime are in two minds about our instinct? Is it something or is it me? With my DCs I have a blanket policy of listening to that little voice, always. I hope you find a good solution.

What you are describing is completely different

Have you followed up on her references and spoken to previous employers? I would call them back and ask them about this. And agree with PPs that it is unprofessional and would put me off. I’ve had nannies for years and whilst I’ve had my share of grief, this is not a request I’ve ever had to deal with, it’s unusual.

Agree with this^

I would never be comfortable with this either. Inevitably she probably would leave your DC alone with him during a day out, for example when she goes to the loo.

On a lighter note I read the title as her wanting your husband to join her on days out and thought blimey, she’s a fast worker! 😁

Nope.

The job is to look after your child. Not paid time with her husband.

More red flags than a Chinese parade. Dump her.

I'd say a hard no to this.

She shouldn't expect to have her husband with her while she's working any more than a teacher or nurse or sergeant major should.

Does she not see nannying as a job? Does her husband not see nannying as a job?

Keep looking. You need a professional who takes their work seriously.

Same! I was shocked. Bit disappointed now haha

No way. Doesn't he have a job himself? And why would he want to spend time with his wife AND someone else's kids he doesn't know? I would start searching for a new person now. There's just no good reason for it and it's unprofessional.

No, no no. Absolutely not. Also the way she drop’s it in as if it’s normal practice.
Get a new nanny.

Absolutely this. Honestly I have terrible boundaries but even I can see the WTF? in this - did she even mention if he was ofsted registered and dbs checked, @tokajlover?

Even in my childminding days many years ago, anyone other than me (even family members) who'd be in contact with the children had to be checked and registered and that was 20 years ago

Same!

No way. Make sure you put it in writing and make it clear you'd consider her doing so a breach of her contract.

Ahaha that would be funny - she’s quite a bit older than us but never stopped anyone I guess! 😅

I think he is retired early. They are quite a bit older than us but not old-old

Clutching at straws here, but is her husband also a Nanny? Would it be a case of two Nannies meeting up with their charges and her checking that, given that this particular Nanny is also her husband, you would be ok with this?