Nanny wants husband to occasionally join for days out

[tokajlover]

We are just about to start employing a nanny for the first time for our DD (2). She hasn’t started yet but we had the first settling in session today, and while we have had 0 reservations about her before this, she mentioned today almost as a one-off comment that she would like us to meet her husband at some point too, as he might sometimes, rarely, join them for day outs or similar.

I didn’t say anything in the moment but I am not feeling ok with this: we have never had a nanny before and I am due to start work in less than a month, and this is the first time she has mentioned this, despite having a very lenghty interview, where we made it clear one of the key reasons we didn’t go with a childminder is that we knew, because as a SAHM for the past two years, I have observed this, they were visiting friends during working hours with the kids, and we thought this was both a safeguarding issue and inappropriate given they were working. She only mentioned this now, during our settling in session, and to be honest I was quite taken aback in the moment. Surely this is not standard practice?

My question is how do I broach this with her, and clarify what she meant, and make it clear we are not comfortable with this. And how do I trust this doesn’t happen going forward without my knowledge? Surely her husband won’t be DBS checked, he won’t have liability insurance, we didn’t hire him to look after our daughter, as well as the fact you wouldn’t expect to meet up with your husband during working hours?

I am not sure if this is something that can happen in certain settings and people are okay with it under certain circumstances and I am the unreasonable one, so am looking for views on that, as well as any advice on how to handle this going forward. I worry she might think us a bit not knowledgeable and naive as we haven’t had a nanny before.

Thank you!

EDIT: Typo in title, nanny wants husband to occassionaly join them for days out

No. Give your head a wobble, as they say on MN.

SOME men are pedophiles and training in safeguarding rules and regulations (as provided and certified for professional working with children, such as nannies) is in place to ensure that those that are do not gain access… due to idiotically naive individuals who put the risk of causing possible offence to innocent males above the safety and wellbeing of innocent children. ‘Cos that ‘seems fair’, right?

signed: ex childminder, district commissioner in guides, scout leader and former secondary school teacher.

I would not be happy with this at all, any childcare professional with an ounce of common sense wouldn’t suggest this.

I’m not an OTT mother at all, don’t even have a nanny/childminder so not being overly protective here but I’d be concerned she could be facilitating his access to children. It’s of course statistically unlikely to happen but as parents we don’t take these risks. There’s absolutely no valid reason he needs to accompany her on day trips.

What a bloody bizarre thing to say, suggest it’s like free childcare then say “…could be like two sweet grandparent figures. Or it could be a paedo.”

Just the risk you take ey!

Oh fgs this woman who is clearly highly experienced might meet her husband for a walk in the park on the odd occasion is now no longer attractive to you?!

Absolutely ridiculous!

I think you need to get some perspective- I mean do you think this woman would be married to a paedophile or an abuser? What exactly about the odd meet would prove detrimental to your child? Answer: nothing, zilch, zero

This is why I went for a nursery. Plenty of staff, and no relatives hanging around. As a temporary measure my eldest went to a friend of ours who was a registered childminder two days a week but we knew both her and her DH - my DH had worked with him for over ten years. I’m their child’s godmother. But I was very wary of childminders I didn’t know for precisely the reason that I would have no idea who was in their home.

The level of complacency on display here is truly frightening.

@tokajlover , I've experienced this and it worked well.

In my experience, the man was introduced as they were one of those couples that spend a lot of time together.
Which sounds similar esp if retired and he'd otherwise not do anything on his own.

The man was trustworthy/ trusted to the point of filling in for the nanny when she was ill.

I also know of people who take their charges all over without the parents knowing.

The fact that she's asked first would mean she isn't wanting to deceive you.

You could ask for him to be DBS checked etc if it helps.

the person I know doesn't particularly love kids but goes along to help his wife.

It has to be someone you trust though and only if you feel comfortable.

@FlipFlopVibe not really, as the next steps I suggest would help her judge the risks

Concerning lack of judgement, risk to your child's safety and highly likely her husband is controlling.

Plenty of women are married to paedophiles, knowingly as well as unknowing.

She can’t possibly assess the risks as she has no idea of his background. He is not a childminder therefore he should not be minding anyone’s children. It’s inappropriate of the nanny to ask such a thing and opens a whole can of issues

I think it’s fine for nanny’s to meet others when they have the kids… when I was a sahm my friend had a nanny for her kids and she asked me to meet with her nanny to keep her company, as it can be lonely looking after kids all day.

Am I the only one who thinks this isn’t that bad?

Nannying is a boring job, hence all the nanny meet ups. She’s an experienced nanny. She has a retired, probably bored, husband who she trusts having bought up children together. I can’t see that doing fun stuff together with your dc is that bad an idea They are hardly young loves dream who will be so absorbed in each other, they’ll neglect your dd.

Shes asked, you’ve said no. I can’t see a problem as long as she respects that answer.

That's concerning. I would wonder if she intends to bring your child to her home during the day where herself and her husband can potter about together, potentially neglecting your DD.

She has a bit of a neck to suggest he'll be involved at all. At the very least, I'd say absolutely not to the meet ups. Or I might start looking about for a replacement.

There have been a countless number of news stories where nursery staff abused and neglected children. I don't want to get into a nursery v nanny discussion as this thread is not the place for that but the OP has obviously researched and concluded her child would be better off with the stability of having a one to one relationship with one person who would give them their undivided attention in the comfort of the child's own home.

I think it’s a great idea as long as he’s vetted. Nanny needs a bathroom break, prepare lunch, there’s another pair of eyes on the LO, especially in a park setting.

I would not be happy about this at all. My nannies would take the children out and socialise with other nannies with the children playing together and I was okay with that. Nobody ever suggested a partner going out on outings with the nanny.

I did regularly hire a nanny mid-winter to live in for 10 days or so when my husband and I went on our winter break to somewhere warm. When the children were little my mother would stay in the house with the nanny. When they were older we had the nanny live in on her own and she'd get the children off to school and pick them up from after school care and get them dinner etc. She had her teenage son over once when they had fish and chips one Friday. This didn't disturb me at all as the children were much older than 2 years old and able to look after themselves. The nanny also came from a nanny agency which had very strict rules. The children had nothing but good memories about their time with this nanny.

I did have one nanny who we had finish up sooner than she other would have done. I discovered among other things that she had been getting the baby out of the car and putting the capsule down on the road by the wheel on the street side of the back wheel wheel while she got the toddler out. This was on a semi blind corner. My neighbour told me and I was chilled to the marrow about what could have happened. She also introduced my older child to a whole lot of sugary junk that I had forbidden and she was not there where I sat with him getting three fillings in his teeth because it turned out he had some soft spots in the enamel despite regular tooth cleaning. There were other issues as well. She was actually professionally qualified too

By the way, beware the phrase, "She was very good with the children". In my experience this was code for coming home to a house in complete disarray. One of my friends got one of these nannies and after a long day in a stressful job she came home to a house in such a mess that she didn't know what to start to tidy up first. You want them to tidy up as they go - keep the kitchen tidy, toys tidied away as appropriate and so on. Ideally they will not feed a toddler vegetable puree while sitting on cream sofa either.

Yore doing it all wrong if you think nannying is a "boring job."

Sorry for this situation OP. I think you need to nip this in the bud and find an alternative childcare method. It's definitely not something I would be comfortable with.
Would you have a nursery nearby? For an only child like yours it is fantastic for their social skills, it's great for them to get used to being around their peers before they start school. You could trial it and see how it goes. I've done both (nanny & nursery) and like you I had a niggle about the nanny from the start. I was wfh and could hear her being quite cross and short with dcs. As a pp said everyone is on their best behaviour at the start.
You have a better dynamic at a nursery imo as there are so many staff members. They would be called out on any unprofessional issues. I find they learn so many social skills from being around other kids. The drawback is a lot of illness but it will settle. Of course a good nanny is worth their weight in gold too if you can find another. Good luck in your decision.

I’m not saying that a nanny is a poor choice - but there should be no need to worry about nanny’s comment that she’ll be meeting up with her husband. The only response is no, that won’t be happening if you want me to employ you.

You need to speak with her. The relationship should be about honesty.

I also thought you meant your husband and couldn’t decide if it was weird or not 😂

Yes, actually.

Even without thinking about the worst case scenario, there are so many things about this I am not comfortable with: firstly, I am paying someone to look after my daughter, not facillitating her having dates during the already relatively short hours of work with someone who for all intents and purposes is a stranger to my DD.

I wouldn’t have a meet-up with my husband during my working hours. This is a job like any other, one that involves my daughter being looked after by the nanny. I do believe she’d be distracted by her husband, and if she wasn’t, if he would be as if he was invisible to her, what’s the point of him tagging along?

Secondly, we hired her, not her husband. We offered her the job based on an interview, references, etc., and thinking she was a good fit for my daughter. A quick hello with her husband is not exactly the same. I wouldn’t let my DD personally hang around a random man who I don’t know from Pete, really, to facillitate the nanny seeing her husband during her already short working hours.

Then there’s the issues of all the checks and insurances she has and her husband wouldn’t. I just know she’d end up leaving her alone with him while she pops to the loo, etc, and if my daughter needs help, I am not comfortable with a random man helping her in those circumstances to use the potty, change out of wet clothes, etc.

And finally, I do not believe this was done in good faith which is the biggest issue. Whether you think it’s ridiculous or not, the one thing I asked at the interview, the one thing we insisted on was that safeguarding is adhered to religiously and no other person has access to our child. Meet ups with other nannies with kids in their care at the park or soft play are different for obvious reasons and ok, and she reinforced that even in that scenario she’d be the one to look after my daughter. Not “combining efforts”.

She had the right to find this ridiculous and refuse the job - she however agreed with us and took it, and then, less than a month from my start date, she is dropping it in casually, not even asking, because she is trying to normalise it with us that that’s something she would just do, which is highly unprofessional and concerning.

So yes, it is unattractive to me.

You definitely need to have a conversation with her but open it in a way so that she doesn't immediately feel you are against the idea so backtracks out of it. The worry is with a child so young, she will just meet with him anyway!

Such as 'hi. You mentioned yesterday that you would like me to meet your partner?' she should then go on and explain herself further. At that point you can say that your expectations are out of line and it would probably be better to part ways. If that's what you want of course?

From bitter first hand experience I'd say listen to your gut xx

Our childminder would take my kids for days out with her kids and husband in school holidays. My kids looked at her children as cousins and husband as an uncle almost. They were very happy with her and the family. Husband had been DBS checked. Kids were similar ages. I didn't see the problem as I liked that it was a home from home, and the family set up.