Nanny wants husband to occasionally join for days out

[tokajlover]

We are just about to start employing a nanny for the first time for our DD (2). She hasn’t started yet but we had the first settling in session today, and while we have had 0 reservations about her before this, she mentioned today almost as a one-off comment that she would like us to meet her husband at some point too, as he might sometimes, rarely, join them for day outs or similar.

I didn’t say anything in the moment but I am not feeling ok with this: we have never had a nanny before and I am due to start work in less than a month, and this is the first time she has mentioned this, despite having a very lenghty interview, where we made it clear one of the key reasons we didn’t go with a childminder is that we knew, because as a SAHM for the past two years, I have observed this, they were visiting friends during working hours with the kids, and we thought this was both a safeguarding issue and inappropriate given they were working. She only mentioned this now, during our settling in session, and to be honest I was quite taken aback in the moment. Surely this is not standard practice?

My question is how do I broach this with her, and clarify what she meant, and make it clear we are not comfortable with this. And how do I trust this doesn’t happen going forward without my knowledge? Surely her husband won’t be DBS checked, he won’t have liability insurance, we didn’t hire him to look after our daughter, as well as the fact you wouldn’t expect to meet up with your husband during working hours?

I am not sure if this is something that can happen in certain settings and people are okay with it under certain circumstances and I am the unreasonable one, so am looking for views on that, as well as any advice on how to handle this going forward. I worry she might think us a bit not knowledgeable and naive as we haven’t had a nanny before.

Thank you!

EDIT: Typo in title, nanny wants husband to occassionaly join them for days out

There is no need for her to see her husband during her working hours. Nannying your child is a job like any other where you get paid to work. I would have a chat with her about what she plans to be doing with your kid on daily level and then remind her that as per your convo about safeguarding no other person can have access to your child (including her husband) but meet ups with other nannies with kids in a park is ok as long as she is looking after her at all times and not getting carried away chatting with the others.

@tokajlover absolutely spot on op.
It's underhand slipping something in at the last minute n this way, and given your conversations with her I would put money on it she knows it and is banking on you being over a barrel.

I would never do this, it would feel all kinds of wrong and frankly unprofessional.

She knows herself that its not okay, otherwise why did she leave it till she secured the job before casually dropping it into the conversation? I would be extremely wary of her, she sounds a bit sneaky!

@tokajlover I completely agree with you. My only advice is to pull the plug immediately, and look for another nanny. Take the hit now. You're never going to be comfortable with this one.

This 👌

As a nanny myself, the only people I meet up with during my working day are other Nannies/parents/grandparents with children of a similar age to my charge. The focus should be on what’s best for the child and how to enhance their day in positive ways

i have never met up with my friends/family that don’t benefit my work family. It’s odd for her to have even suggested this

Then just say no @tokajlover . I know people who do it and it's fine, but as we know that's not always the case.

The most important thing is your child's safety and if you feel this nanny won't provide that, then end it.

You were unsure but have only engaged with similar minded people on here, which shows you've made up your mind on her not being the right fit, so tell her & find a new nanny.

As a former nanny, I did used to meet up with other nannies and their charges, go to each others places of work for lunch, play dates, visits to the park. I also used to accompany mycharges to various activities. All this would be quite normal, but I can't recall any of my nanny friends including a partner in any of the daily activities.

Nope, not OK!

We used nannies, nurseries, and au pairs over the years.

If your daughter is two and it's not that many hours, honestly you will have a lot less aggro going down the nursery route. Our lives were by far the most stable when this was our main form of childcare but we did have good options nearby in our area.

Our last nanny was fantastic in terms of caring for the children and keeping the house in order but even pulled stunts like ringing me at work to tell me her husband had been let go and she needed additional hours. When I said that I'd be happy to help her find some through friends, etc she goes: No, I'm planning to rely on my existing employers (as in us and the family in the share.) She was basically calling to inform me what she needed from us. I had to explain that no, that wouldn't be possible, we had to stick to our current arrangement. OMG!

That's definitely weird. I worked as a live in au pair for a while, in an annex to their house, and my partner was allowed to visit at the weekend - I usually didn't work weekends, occasionally I did look after the kids on a weekend evening and he'd be there, but they'd be asleep. Different situation though!

This seems fine as those nannies would be vetted, and there's a clear benefit as the kids can play together etc. Especially as OP's child isn't going to a nursery.

Presumably she has formal DBS check has he?

My brothers ex was a nanny. He sometimes joined them for days out (with the parents permission). I don’t know how it came about - I assume he had met the parents before the kids and they liked him. His ex had been their nanny for a while before he was on the scene though. He loves kids and the kids loved him so it worked out well.

Those are like military, aren't they? But only very wealthy can afford them.

Nannies will socialise with people while they’re caring for your child. You would hope so. Such as taking your child to play groups, maybe activities such a a tumble tots if music group. Also playing in the park. It is great for them to make friends with other Nannie’s in your area and planned dates

Socialising is an important part of your child’s development

that being said, planning days out with her husband is not the same thing. You’re within reasonableness to say that this makes you uncomfortable and you’d be concerned her ducts would not be in your child and you’d prefer that this does not happen while she is taking care of your child.

I can't think why she needs to meet her husband during the working day. He's retired you say and so probably bored and looking for something to do, but that's not your problem.

They'd end up spending the time doing things that interest them, rather than say soft play, or meet-ups with other nannies.

Good god no! Totally agree with you and even if you took her on telling her no husband. Could you ever trust her?

Nope nope nope.

She was manipulative and sly, telling you a month before she starts.

What a nasty reply

Oh and please don't fill the thread quoting the full OP

I used to be a nanny before I had my own children. I lived 4 houses down from my charges, I would never ever dream of letting my boyfriend joining us for the day! Or anyone who wasn't a nanny.
After about 4 years of working for them, they'd met my boyfriend twice, forgotten keys and mobile phone.

I personally would never feel comfortable hiring someone who said this either, you'd never feel comfortable ever.

People often do meet their spouses and partners for lunch. I've also known people take their spouse on business trips (at own cost of course). Also, office work is 7-8 hours and nannying hours are often longer.

Find another nanny sharpish and do not hire her for even 1 day.

I wouldn't employ her. I'd want a nanny with good judgement.

I think she's probably taking a view that you trust her with your child and therefore trust her judgement in all areas regarding your child's care.
I wouldn't like it or agree to it either. I would say no, but it does sour the relationship and of course, you would have to trust that she's respecting your decision and not doing it anyway .

It’s entirely your choice whether to allow this but it’s not as unusual as some people are suggesting for a family to allow interaction with a nanny’s family.

We’ve got 3 children with 10 year age gap between oldest and youngest and have had 4 nannies over that period.

Nanny 1 with us for 10 years. From a different culture and her parents used to invite our oldest 2 to join them for a celebration meal once a year (in a restaurant). This nanny was married and when she had been working for us for a few years, we were able to go away overnight on a couple of occasions with her and her husband looking after the kids for us.

Nanny 2 and 3 were shorter term and we had no contact with their family

Last nanny was with us for 4 years and introduced us to her parents quite early on - both worked in childcare settings. When the nanny took her holiday or was ill, one of her parents would provide cover for her (with our knowledge and consent) which worked really well for us.