Shall I pay my DM?

[skyfly]

Hi all, I feel confused and need a sounding board. My mom offered to help with after school care for our two DC (8 and 5) from September. She will be collecting them from school 3 days per week and stay until 6.30-7pm. I was so pleased when she offered as it would reduce financial burden on our family. However, she since asked me to be paid as per babysitter rate. She said that this is going to be work for her, we are likely to expect her to babysit occasionally on weekends or be late at work. I don’t mind helping her out financially and had previously helped her quite a lot, esp during Covid, and got back to work with 4 months old baby to be able to help paying her mortgage

But I feel differently this time, I feel hurt and I cannot explain why. I just feel that I already put so much help out there but now we’ve been looking to cut costs so I assumed that offer of help was to alleviate financial pressure on our family. She also told me that she doesn’t not feel grateful for my financial help to date as I do not treat her like nice daughter. I grew up with my own grandma and was extremely close to her so I feel hurt that my mom considers being with her grandchildren as a work. Am I being too sensitive though?

Do not pay her to do the after school care, you will have a world of trouble with reliability and feeling bad she doesn’t seem to enjoy it and being emotionally blackmailed over all she does for you whilst also completely unappreciated! Hire someone/book childcare and tell her you need an arrangement you can rely on so you’ve booked childcare, and can’t afford to help her too, so it’s your brothers time to help her out. If she says but he does so much you say well it’s time for his so much to include some of the financial support I’ve worked hard and stressed out over providing for so long. I can’t afford it anymore.

the utter cheek when she never paid your grandma.

Childish, but I'd feel like saying as I'm not a nice daughter I wouldn't want that out on you further so will find another childminder.
I don't think I'd want my children around that kind of attitude any more than was absolutely necessary.
I have sadly seen people spending their whole lives trying to be the person their parent wants them to be to feel validated, when it's the parent who has failed them.

She sounds so ungrateful for the help you have given her. I agree that you should get professional help for your kids if you have to pay and do not help her financially again if you can possibly help it. I realise she may come to you in a crisis and you might feel morally obliged to help, if you can, but do not offer. You sound a lovely daughter and deserve far more recognition. A big hug from me.

I think keeping it separate is best.

I will say that it is mind-boggling that you would still help your Mom financially. Is that also a culture thing, where the daughter gets all the work and the son gets all the praise? Or is your Mom just a nasty piece of work?

Whatever it is, you really need to just stop helping her. She doesn't appreciate it and you could use the money for your childcare and family needs. (I know you haven't helped for a couple months but it sounds like you plan to continue. Please don't).

Pay a registered child minder, they will be better and more reliable. Also you avoid potential power battle. Tell her you're not giving her anymore money. Say it's being spent on CM if that's easier. Tell her it's DB turn to give her money or she can sell the place she rents out and can then afford her bills and mortgage. If she gets toxic then see her less until she calms down. Break the chain, don't pay for her 'love' anymore.

You went back to work after 4 months to pay her mortgage. Do you live with her? I feel you’ve made a massive sacrifice doing this as this formative months are so precious.

i don’t think you’re being too sensitive, she should be getting enjoyment from looking after her grandkids. Yes maybe give her a a money kitty to pay for any snacks your kids may want.

if she wants you to pay, you may as well
pay someone else who maybe logisically more convenient for you

Weapons-grade busybody there.

You aren't bliddy kidding!

If you're in the UK & she's caring for your DC for 2 hours or more in her own home then she's breaking the law by receiving any form of payment without being registered with Ofsted. Anyone caring for children for 2 hours or more for payment are required to be registered & have to complete courses on Safeguarding & First Aid as a minimum of registration. Tell her this & ask her does she still want you to pay her knowing she's be breaking the law.