Shall I pay my DM?

[skyfly]

Hi all, I feel confused and need a sounding board. My mom offered to help with after school care for our two DC (8 and 5) from September. She will be collecting them from school 3 days per week and stay until 6.30-7pm. I was so pleased when she offered as it would reduce financial burden on our family. However, she since asked me to be paid as per babysitter rate. She said that this is going to be work for her, we are likely to expect her to babysit occasionally on weekends or be late at work. I don’t mind helping her out financially and had previously helped her quite a lot, esp during Covid, and got back to work with 4 months old baby to be able to help paying her mortgage

But I feel differently this time, I feel hurt and I cannot explain why. I just feel that I already put so much help out there but now we’ve been looking to cut costs so I assumed that offer of help was to alleviate financial pressure on our family. She also told me that she doesn’t not feel grateful for my financial help to date as I do not treat her like nice daughter. I grew up with my own grandma and was extremely close to her so I feel hurt that my mom considers being with her grandchildren as a work. Am I being too sensitive though?

Yanbu.

Decline and use a CM who will be reliable and wont just shove your children in front of a tv.

Your mum sounds like a user. Dont give her a penny again.

And if she ever tells you that you are a bad daughter feel free to point out you are a much better daughter than she is mother and let that sink in.

So sad that this is how she sees family.as a cash cow....

I can completely understand why you feel hurt by this, and I would too.

My gut feeling is that it’s happened not because she’s mean but because she’s in a very difficult situation financially. I think that it would be worth you doing some investigation to find out what is going on before getting cross.

If she is living on a pension, is still paying a mortgage, isn’t working and needs financial help from you then I think that she’s probably in quite a difficult financial situation.

What age is she? I suspect that she needs to be working really, and thought that looking after the grandkids would be nicer than shop work etc.

She sounds really toxic @skyfly she's emotionally black mailing you to get more money, that's horrible. I'd step back for you own emotional welfare. I'd use either a childminder or after school club instead. I understand buying food for her, but not her mortgage! Why can't she afford her mortgage? How did she get one if she can't afford it? She needs to downsize to a bedsit. You can't be responsible for her mortgage for years!

If I had to pay I would go for someone else. A transactional agreement is straightforward and you are in control of it, and it removes the emotional upset and resentment of paying your mother to look after her own grandkids.

I think you’re going to have to let any money you lent her go. However in future say no. Spend your money on your children, it’s not your job to fund her.

OP is there some cultural dynamic here, for some reason “nice daughter” made me think of Asian culture.

Otherwise I’d be inclined to explain to your mother that as you helped her when she needed you had assumed that she was now in turn offering to help you. As that isn’t the case you need to consider your options given your mother’s health etc.

Good advice. Stop giving her money and food. You need to prioritise your family. She sounds unpleasant/ manipulative, minimise her to protect yourself.

Op childcare will stop at some point until then you just have to pay like everyone else,i say this in the kindest way. The best thing I do is pay for my DC to go to breakfast club and after school club,then i don't have to worry someone might not be available some days.

If your mum is struggling she needs to go back to work if she is not already working. It's so sad that times have change that family expect money for what family should do for each other.

Is there a cultural/family expectation that younger generations support older ones here? Even so, this is awful and grabby from your mum.

This isn’t so much about your child care needs as the lack of love and warmth throughout your life from your mum. It sounds as if she could have had a tough time as a child/single mum and her attitude towards women has been warped. It’s no excuse for her treatment of you but it does help sometimes to understand why she might be the way she is.

It’s important also, to know that trying to buy her love, - by paying her mortgage, supplying food or agreeing to pay her for child care, is not going to suddenly make her love you or turn her into a different kind of mother.

There is nothing wrong with paying grandparents for childcare if it’s the best arrangement for you all. But in this situation, where she openly shows her disdain for you, I would decline her offer for childcare, - even if she is insured, registered and trained as necessary, simply because it’s best not to allow her twisted views to condition or affect your children in any way.
She doesn’t sound like a loving, dedicated sort of grandmother. It would be better if you were present when she is around your children so that you can set the sort of normal, warm motherly and generous atmosphere that she doesn’t know how to provide.

It’s sad for you to be confronted with this problem OP. I hope you can manage to find somebody for child care with a more positive and happy outlook on life without adding too much more upset between you and your mum.

I’d send her a WhatsApp “Hi Mum, we’ve thought a lot about your request to be paid for childcare and to be honest, it took us by surprise. We had thought that you would do it for no charge given the mortgage and other ongoing financial support that we have given you. We’ve decided to go with a qualified childminder service as this will be easier for everyone. Unfortunately we are in a bit of a spot financially so we will not be able to help you out anymore as any spare cash will be put towards the childminder fees. In the circumstances we think this is the best solution for everyone.”

Given what you've said about this woman, I would pay to have her stay as far away from my children as possible. She's greedy, selfish, emotionally manipulative and rude. If you're going to be paying anyway then pay a professional who will treat your child with kindness. She will do to your child what she's done to you. Turn them into people pleasers.

You will never get the relationship you want with her. You will never get your money back. Draw a line in the sand now. Organise professional childcare and stay away from this emotional and financial vampire.

Talk about greedy after all you have done for her. I would pay a childminder, at least they are professions.

Great message!

@skyfly Oh dear....Your Mom sounds quite a tricky and ungrateful woman.

Are you by any chance from a culture where parents are meant to be ''supported''?

It's a very poor show otherwise.

Find someone young and very local to help look after your children if you have to pay.

I paid my mum because she needed the money, and doing it stopped her getting another part time job. I earned more than I paid her so still financially benefitted, I was 100% happier DC were with someone who loved them than a commercial provider, and it was way cheaper. She didn't ask, but I insisted as there's no way I'd have have not in the circumstances. I do childcare for my DD and DS now and don't recieve any money as I don't need it. They pay for trips out and the odd short break as a thank you, which I don't require but they insist.

I'd find an alternative actual child-care option if you can.
Paying family often doesn't work out - I understand that she might well need to be paid for it, as not everyone can afford to provide free child care, but I feel like there are other issues already going on and this would complicate it.

I've only read your posts, OP, so apologies if this has already been said, but...

Are there cultural factors at play here? It sounds as though the burden of expectation on you as a daughter is way more than on your brother.

Your mother appears to be approaching the childcare in a very business-like manner (putting it kindly). I would have no qualms about responding in kind, i.e. no thanks, I can find better qualifications, insurance, reliability, etc etc at market rate than is on offer here.

I get that you would like your DC to have a relationship with their GM that's similar to the one you had with yours. But it sounds that your GM and your mother are very different people. The relationship would never be the same, so you can't recreate that wonderful bond here.

Have you decided what to do @skyfly ? Some great advice on this thread

OP drop the rope. Let your brother who does so much more for her pick it up.
Have a conversation with her to ask what a nice daughter would do that you don't, listen to her and then end it by telling her that you've changed your mind about childcare and are going to use a childminder, wrap around, nursery, even if you're not. And walk away.
I bet she had pound signs in her eyes when she first made the offer.

Oh @skyfly ...This is so sad. And also so maddeningly typical!

The sibling {Your brother} does naff all to help your Mom and yet is the 'Favourite'.

You cannot buy her love.

Find a lovely local child minder who can pick up your children.

I was already thinking it was unreasonable of your mother to offer to help and not make it clear that she would be expecting to be paid when she made the offer.
Now I discover that she can't pay you back for the financial help with her mortgage and still expects to be paid for childcare? That's outrageous.

I really don't think your children will benefit from too much contact with this grasping woman...... if she lives until they're earning she'll expect them to chip in for her care home fees.

I'd be telling her that if she needs to earn a living she should get a proper job.

If she's a bitch to you [and she is, sorry] she will be horrible to your kids and use them to manipulate you.

Thank her for the offer but tell her you made other arrangements. Then detach. You can never please her so stop trying to. It's just making you miserable.

Thanks. No, my DM was not looking after the baby as we were living abroad for work reasons at that time and we had to employ a nanny. As it was Covid and my DM was unable to rent her other property (that’s how she is covering her current mortgage), I had to come back to
work so that our own family remains financially stable. It’s very complex story and I think I am hurt most by her attitude and that she does not feel grateful for anything I have done for her.

Oh thanks for letting me know

This, exactly. Wow!

I think to charge a small amount if she is hard up would be fair. But she should have been clear about it from the start. But as she owes you a lot of money, then it is a totally different kettle of fish. Fishy indeed.