Shall I pay my DM?

[skyfly]

Hi all, I feel confused and need a sounding board. My mom offered to help with after school care for our two DC (8 and 5) from September. She will be collecting them from school 3 days per week and stay until 6.30-7pm. I was so pleased when she offered as it would reduce financial burden on our family. However, she since asked me to be paid as per babysitter rate. She said that this is going to be work for her, we are likely to expect her to babysit occasionally on weekends or be late at work. I don’t mind helping her out financially and had previously helped her quite a lot, esp during Covid, and got back to work with 4 months old baby to be able to help paying her mortgage

But I feel differently this time, I feel hurt and I cannot explain why. I just feel that I already put so much help out there but now we’ve been looking to cut costs so I assumed that offer of help was to alleviate financial pressure on our family. She also told me that she doesn’t not feel grateful for my financial help to date as I do not treat her like nice daughter. I grew up with my own grandma and was extremely close to her so I feel hurt that my mom considers being with her grandchildren as a work. Am I being too sensitive though?

No, you’re not being sensitive at all. I think it’s really sad she sees it as work. I could under you offering a contribution, but not the going rate for childcare.

Has she paid you back for the help with her mortgage?

if not, I would set any payment against that!

Have never charged my daughter for child care but luckily it doesn’t affect our income. She is very appreciative of any help and understands privilege.we are definitely not in a position to contribute towards deposit ie £50000 .

Wait, you paid her mortgage and gave her money?!

Why don't you tell her she can either do the babysitting or start paying you back.

I paid my Mum for regular hours but she did babysit at weekends and when we went away for free however, I always had to leave her money to cover days out etc.

Yes and I never planned to ask for money back as I felt it’s my duty as her daughter to help out and she won’t have means to pay me.

well, if she is going to charge you the going rate for child care, you might as well use somebody else, and shop around, and get the best quality and best value you can.

…plus potentially be able to access tax free childcare for 20% off.

Hi mum

Thought about the babysitting point, the rate is £10 an hour ( or whatever )

As I paid £3000 (or whatever) on your mortgage during covid, I’ve got 300 hours of babysitting in hand. I’ll keep a note of when we use them - think that should cover a good 6-9 months. Thanks!

So your mother didn't bring you up and she wants you to pay for her to look after your children? She doesn't sound like a very good mother to me. If you've got to pay someone then I would find someone else to pay.

When I went back to work I paid a couple of students at the college next to my children's school. It was two girls who chose to do it together for the one payment.

They picked up the kids from school, took them home and gave them their tea and did the homework with them. It there anyone like that in your area who could do it?

She did bring me up but she was single mom and worked a lot so I spent most of my time with my grandmother. I thought the same that if I need to pay, I better go for someone young and local as an after school care as my mom has some health issues and I know she may occasionally not be able to do a pick up

I'm a grandmother and your mother is reprehensible. Absolutely shameful behaviour, it's honestly shocking.

I would politely decline her "offer" and come up with Plan B. I think I would then ask for reimbursement for the money you gave her for her mortgage.

It Wasn’t clear to me what you meant by this, OP?

She also told me that she doesn’t not feel grateful for my financial help to date as I do not treat her like nice daughter

I said to her that I contributed quite a lot already and I have been helping with small payments for grocery/bills but was unable to do so in the past couple of months but I never heard any thank you. And she replied that she does not feel grateful for my help as I don’t treat her like nice daughter would do (whatever it means for her).

Wow. She’s a piece of work.

How much have you loaned her in total ?

It sounds like your mum is under financial pressure. If she was a single mum earlier in life maybe she has a very low pension. Depending on her age, maybe she needs to work or claim some top up benefits? Perhaps you would be better paying for professional child care and letting your mum enjoy being a granny.

Have you ever asked her how much she paid your grandmother to practically bring you up (bet it was nothing)?

Spot on. That’s why I feel hurt

Say no thank you and pay a childminder who will be registered and have training and insurance etc.

Tell her she is not acting like a nice mother if she says you aren't a nice daughter. I would also point out that "not nice daughters" don't pay their mother's mortgage.

Well if she wasnt trying to blackmail you I would advise covering her expenses as she shouldn't be out of pocket so covering their meals and any activities, you can also transfer your NI credits if a grandparent provides care for an under 12 to go towards her state pension - there's a very easy form for that.

In terms of her viewing this as work, opposed to the actual pick up I'm assuming she won't be providing them with activities, more being a warm body so they are supervised. Whereas you could ask a paid babysitter to d X, Y and Z with them.

I think it's best you keep family and regular childcare separate.

My dc are in high school, so childcare a thing of the past for us. Regular Grandparent childcare was never an option for us, but from observing my friends and colleagues, every single arrangement that relied on grandparents broke down at some point, often very acrimoniously. Grandparents illness, grandparents not wanting to be with ill children, grandparents holidays, better offers ("I can't do Wednesdays anymore because I've joined a walking group/bridge club/naked cycling team... starting next week), grandparents get fed up... if you're going to pay, you may as well pay for a professional service that won't let you down, and save your mum for occasional evenings and weekends.

It slightly feels like your mum needs a job and this is an easy option.

This!
I would tell her how much she owes and that once she has worked this off you can look to start paying her if you continue.

Stop helping her financially, and use the money to pay someone to do pick up for you as pp mentioned student or ask does anyone have a retiree that would love the extra few bob and might enjoy your children.

If you're paying market rates then pick someone who you can boss about a bit more!

And did she pay your grandmother when she was working?

I think if she was looking for payment she should have said this up front, not offered (and raised your hopes) and then later bolted this on.

If it were me and I was able to do so, I absolutely would compensate a relative for 3 days consistent childcare. I think it's only fair but it would more likely be an agreed gift/amount each month rather than a 'per hour' arrangement to cover her time/fuel costs/feeding them etc.

If the relative was asking for market rates, I'd probably just find a childminder and not muddy the waters with money and family.