Shall I pay my DM?

[skyfly]

Hi all, I feel confused and need a sounding board. My mom offered to help with after school care for our two DC (8 and 5) from September. She will be collecting them from school 3 days per week and stay until 6.30-7pm. I was so pleased when she offered as it would reduce financial burden on our family. However, she since asked me to be paid as per babysitter rate. She said that this is going to be work for her, we are likely to expect her to babysit occasionally on weekends or be late at work. I don’t mind helping her out financially and had previously helped her quite a lot, esp during Covid, and got back to work with 4 months old baby to be able to help paying her mortgage

But I feel differently this time, I feel hurt and I cannot explain why. I just feel that I already put so much help out there but now we’ve been looking to cut costs so I assumed that offer of help was to alleviate financial pressure on our family. She also told me that she doesn’t not feel grateful for my financial help to date as I do not treat her like nice daughter. I grew up with my own grandma and was extremely close to her so I feel hurt that my mom considers being with her grandchildren as a work. Am I being too sensitive though?

Most of the time when were living life and helping each other everything is fine , there is a good amount of ' give and take'. The danger lies when theres a lot of responsibility involved or a lot involved. If someone is doing HUGE favours on a regular basis , I believe theres a risk of one person looking foolish or put upon. And thereby the favours will eventually cease. If you dont want the favours to cease then PAY. Lest the children will likely end up with a stranger looking after them.

Oh that sounds hard to hear. You have been a good daughter because you’re helped her out DESPITE her behaviour.

Assume she still has a mortgage, how is she paying it now? Is she still working? How woulad ahe accommodate looking after her grandchildren as well?

I think in your case I’d avoid using her for childcare, I’d find a reputable childminder/ similar and use childcare vouchers to mitigate some of the costs.

sorry you’ve been dealt a rubbish hand x

Helping someone out should be give and take. Sounds like you're doing all the giving, and she's doing all the taking. At this point id be questioning whether she deserves to even have me and her DGC in her life at all, let alone be having them round for babysitting. She sounds selfish, unstable, narcissistic. Stop helping her financially right now, she's said herself shes not grateful for it and you're not a good daughter. What a horrible thing to say. She's a terrible mother and probably wont be any better as grandmother. Tell her to get a job and stop sponging!

Shes horrible you should not leave your children with her. Get someone else to look after the children. She she should be grateful foe all you have done for her and saying she is not is disgusting ,its not your responsibility to financially support Your mother. Im a grandmother and looked after 9 grandchildren a day so their parents could work, the. Went to work myself in the evenings. -and i still has a child od my own at home. Im sorry your mother is such a nasty person

"Your mother sounds like a classic narcissist, I would cut ties and save your children from the same abusive relationship you're experiencing".

This. Sorry OP. Your children need protecting from your mother. If you can't cut her out of your life completely, then please at least don't leave your children alone with her and please look into some therapy for yourself for the damage she has done to you. I wish you all the best.

Doesn't your mum need to be registered as a childminder with ofsted if she's going to be charging you? That would be my way out, I'd look for a registered childminder & pay someone who is actually health & safety and first aid qualified.

No you're not being too sensitive, I would be hurt too. If my parents offered to look after my children I would think it was because they loved us and wanted to spend time with them and help me. I couldn't take money for looking after family.

I think your feelings are very valid but how you communicate them is key.

I definitely wouldn’t go about the petty ‘you owe me your mortgage / free childcare’ route, but I would speak to her about being on the same page in regards to you trying to save money, I would mention the mortgage help though.

Say you were never intending on not compensating her but an hourly rate in-line with other childcare defeats the purpose.

This feels like common sense, I wonder if there isn’t some miscommunication, maybe DM is massively out of touch in regards to what childcare costs and is only expecting a small contribution?

Honestly if she wants you to pay going rate I’d look at alternatives like after school clubs, etc as at least then you can save yourself 20% using tax-free childcare (presuming you’re eligible).

We use grandparents for a lot of our childcare for our pre-school aged children because they want to do it and we’re very grateful for that. They’ve never asked for payment. I used to send my eldest son with a packed lunch as I felt bad that they were having to buy extra food in for him but after a few months they told me I didn’t need to. I leave some cash in the changing bag in case they want to take him some where but they never use it. We take them out and pay for dinner occasionally as thanks and they’re happy with that.

I'd be telling her you want every single penny you've given her back and that will pay childcare costs , you allow her to treat you like a mug she will carry on doing so .
It never ceases to baffle me why people put up with this crap and are to scared to say anything YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT stop letting her treat you like one she wouldn't have her home if you didn't help and is this narcissistic woman someone you want to leave your children with because she sounds absolutely horrendous I certainly wouldn't leave my precious children with her

Is she giving up any paid work in order to help with the childcare? When my boys were small, my mum worked in a nursery school part time and she couldn’t afford to give up work and look after my kids so I paid her the same as she was earning at the nursery so that she didn’t lose out (although she did longer hours for me looking after the kids). She was only in her 50’s so was a way off retirement

tbh she was my saviour and it saved me a lot of money v a childminder. She is also an incredible grandmother and I couldn’t imagine anyone else taking as good care of my boys as she did. She cooked fresh homemade food (I credit her for my boys never being fussy with food), played, read, helped them to read, enjoyed kids tv with them. They are now both young adults and they still absolutely adore her. She has just had a major operation and is very fragile and the boys are constantly checking on her ‘babysitting’ her when my dad has to pop out, cleaning her house etc etc

appreciate not everyone has this wonderful a mother but, where it works, I’d highly recommend a grandparent to take care of the kids (she is also Mediterranean so it’s also a natural thing to do to take care of the grandkids)

Is she registered?

If not she shouldn't be paid

I guess if you were going to pay her mortgage/food bills - you might as well exchange if for childcare..

Your mum is obviously struggling - she does not sound nice though - and I question whether you would really want that around your children

If the childcare is not going to be 'cheaper' than paying a professional.. I'd look for someone else.

OP wow you sound so kind with little gratitude from your mum, sadly. I pay many odd things for my mum like house insurance, car insurance annually, my sister does similar re broadband etc., mum classic example asset rich, cash poor (moving soon) but she is always sooooo grateful, embarrassed and appreciative. Insists on no birthday or Xmas presents etc. (obvs we do 🤣). Your mum, sorry to say, sounds very selfish and entitled...good luck sorting through this one xx

I would be asking for the money back and make sure she knows the well is dried up. If she thinks that a daughter who pays her mortgage and gives her money is not a nice daughter, then I wonder what she considers herself to be? "Nice" is not a word even in the realm of possibility to describe her.
I'd never give her another dime. Honestly, she doesn't sound like a very nice person. I would hire another childminder, as I think dealing with your NVDM would be more trouble than it's worth.

She doesn't sound very kind to you at all. I would stop giving her any money actually. I would look for childcare elsewhere and if she complains about money I would just tell her to ask my brother.

It might be worth having some therapy about your childhood and the way your mum is with you now. I know you can see that you want to please her and you can see that she's not nice to you. That is hard to come to terms with. You sound like you've been a lovely daughter And to be honest she doesn't sound as though she's been a lovely mum.

As far as childcare is concerned look after yourself and get someone you know you can rely on

Fuck that. I'd be working out how much you gave her towards her mortgage/bills and then taking that off the childcare costs she wants paying so she can pay you back.

If she complains about it, then I'd tell her she wasnt a "good mother". It works both ways here.

Bloody hell, what's wrong with her?

I’d never charge my children to look after their children. My parents helped me a lot and my Nanna helped my parents. It’s what families do, if they can do (eg I will probably be working full time until retirement so I’d help if I could). Normally I wouldn’t be against paying if the parent needed help; but you’ve helped her so much already. I’d rather pay a professional

She is helping you out, not the other way round. you are lucky to have the offer, yes YABU.

Er, did you miss the part where OP went back to work to pay her mother's mortgage?

@duduchessofsilk I assume she meant because she was paying for her to look after her baby, not just giving her money for nothing

Regardless of the ethics of whether you should or shouldn’t pay, in England you cannot pay (or otherwise reward) someone to look after your child (unless very minimal hours) unless they are registered to do so and covered by OFSTED. I presume this isn’t the case with your mum? Two police women were caught out by this some years back - they weren’t even paying eachother but were looking after each other’s children, which was deemed comparable.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1216370/Leanne-Shepherd-policewoman-branded-illegal-childminder--looking-colleagues-toddler.html

I absolutely feel for you as I have a very similar mother who favours my sibling and looks down on me despite everything I’ve ever done for her financially and emotionally.
My advice is stop doing it as you’re only causing more damage to yourself!
Do not give her any more money and look for alternative childcare, you will regret it otherwise.
Good luck and take care x

She sounds awful, you’ve gone above and beyond and your brother still gets all the credit.

Drop the rope, if paying someone’s mortgage for 18m doesn’t qualify you as a nice daughter fuck knows what does. Spend the money on your kids instead.