Shall I pay my DM?

[skyfly]

Hi all, I feel confused and need a sounding board. My mom offered to help with after school care for our two DC (8 and 5) from September. She will be collecting them from school 3 days per week and stay until 6.30-7pm. I was so pleased when she offered as it would reduce financial burden on our family. However, she since asked me to be paid as per babysitter rate. She said that this is going to be work for her, we are likely to expect her to babysit occasionally on weekends or be late at work. I don’t mind helping her out financially and had previously helped her quite a lot, esp during Covid, and got back to work with 4 months old baby to be able to help paying her mortgage

But I feel differently this time, I feel hurt and I cannot explain why. I just feel that I already put so much help out there but now we’ve been looking to cut costs so I assumed that offer of help was to alleviate financial pressure on our family. She also told me that she doesn’t not feel grateful for my financial help to date as I do not treat her like nice daughter. I grew up with my own grandma and was extremely close to her so I feel hurt that my mom considers being with her grandchildren as a work. Am I being too sensitive though?

Just tell her no thanks and get a good childminder for the kids instead. Stop giving her money. Honestly, why do you still have contact with your mother when she tells you you're not a good daughter despite all the financial help you've given her? I wouldn't be bothering to spend time with her!

I just google checked and to take payment for looking after a child you must be a registered childminder.
I used to be a cm but wondered if the rules had changed.

Save your relationship with your mum and employ a registered child minder.

Would dm be doing the dc evening meal? Homework? Taking them to parks? Feeding snacks you don't like? Screen time?
You are not being sensitive @skyfly I would advise not to mix business with pleasure.

If your mum is someone that needs help to pay her mortgage and groceries, I would assume she isn’t financially sound and still needs to work. If that’s the case, I wouldn’t have assumed that her offer to look after the kids three days a week would be something I’d expect her to do unpaid.

Did you suddenly think she had become financially secure?

My parents offered childcare but they are retired, paid off their mortgage and have good pensions-they had the time and money to make that offer and I knew they weren’t struggling-your mum doesn’t sound like she’s in that position.

Just had a thought, please don't answer, don't want to derail thread:
In England (UK?) If a parent is childminding, they can clain NI, which may be useful if they do not have a full NI record for their pension.
Martin Lewis money saving expert explains this.

I doubt your mother wants to go through the hassle of setting herself up as a childminder and paying for insurance and paying tax on her earnings. Unless she does all this I would not consider paying her CM rates. But, to be honest, it is a terrible idea to have her mind your children three days a week. See if you can use after school club or get a professional CM to look after your children. Having her involved in this way will not improve your relationship with her.

Exactly this, plus the option of someone who is insured and first aid trained.

I was really struck by this:
got back to work with 4 months old baby to be able to help paying her mortgage

Did she look after the baby so you could go back to work? Does she not have a job herself?

@skyfly I can see a very easy way for you to reduce your current outgoings and financial concerns - stop giving your ungrateful mother money. You owe her nothing and you have been extremely generous for which she has shown no gratitude.

It sounds very much like you are trying to maintain a relationship that is very one sided. You are desperate for your mother to show you the love and affection she has for your brother and are bending over backwards to try to make that happen. Unfortunately there is nothing you can say, nothing you can do and no amount of money you can give her that will result in her becoming the loving and caring mother you want her to be. She is who she is and however hurtful that may be you need to accept that is how things are.

Children owe their parents nothing just for being their parents. They earn respect, consideration and kindness from their children by demonstrating those behaviours. Your mother has shown you none of this but instead berates you, judges your life choices and tells you you are not a nice daughter (despite evidence to the contrary). Instead of giving your mother money I’d suggest using those funds to pay for some therapy to help you work through your feelings about your mother, it would be money much better spent.

As for the childcare, employ a professional. Do not submit your children to her bad attitude. Do not let her have something else to hold over you. If anything you should consider distancing yourself from her, it can’t be doing you any good to have her negativity in your life and no words cut deeper than those from a parent.

Um what. You have been paying her mortgage?
Ask for that back first. Stop giving her money if she is going to be charging you dollars and cents, and says your not like a daughter (??)

Then tell you her you will be paying a proper babysitter if you need one.

She should not have offered and then suddenly sprung a bill on you!
My advice-

1. Whatever has gone before in your own childhood try to work it out with her.
2. Is she good with your children? If so (and they like being with her) I would try and work something out financially.
3. If you can't do 1&2 at the very least don't start a war!

Good luck xxx

It depends on your DMs situation

My DM was childminder for our 2.

She collected from school 3 days per week and I paid her 650
per month. (euros)

She needed the money so it made sense. When they were small and she minded 4 full days in holidays or afternoons after Montessori it was 800.

However it really altered our relationship and I would never ever do this with my own kids. DM always felt I should be grateful in the way you would if it was free childcare and I slightly resented this.

Also when covid and children growing up ended this arrangement, it was very very difficult for her. She felt rejected and of course the loss of income
was tough.

it was great for the kids though

Sounds like she offered to do it as she needs the money. But she should have said that upfront with you. All circumstances are different and grandparents getting paid to look after their grandchildren isn’t a bad thing and nor should it be treated as one. When the time comes I’ll be paying my mum to look after my kids. Would rather her then pay for a nursery that takes all my wage. It isn’t shameful or disgraceful as mentioned on here. Not everyone has the same situations.

That's awful. She sounds like a bad mother and will likely be an unpleasant gm. My parents and pils were in their late sixties and seventies (albeit fit) and absolutely adored caring for our ds when we returned to work pt. They would have been so appalled and offended if i had offered them money.

I agree deebee but then the agreement needs to be on the basis of paid childcare. A grandparent can’t do it as a ‘favour’ and get paid. It’s one or the other

Oh yeah 100% . She should have been upfront from the start .

Sorry to say it but she's taking advantage of you because she thinks you're a pushover. She should be helping you out trying to repay you for your kindness not asking for more handouts. She is a joke. I'd keep her at arms length from now on and not give her another penny.

Your mum is nasty and toxic. If she expects to be paid a going rate, then you may as well pay for someone who’s actually qualified to take care of children.

If looking after your kids means she’s turning down other paid work then I think it’s fair to pay her, but not otherwise

Wow what a bitch. Might aswel pay for after school clubs/ real babysitter and the bonus is you won't feel resentful. Make it clear to her you'll expect to be paid for any care you do for her in the future and you want the money back you've paid for her mortgage.

In a normal situation, yes, you should pay for regular childcare, even if provided by a close family member like a grandparent. The commitment to be available consistently is huge.

that you have been helping her so much financially and this really should be her returning the favor changes the situation.

also, given what you have written, I would not rely on her for regular childcare. Even if you pay her, she is unlikely to be reliable. She speaks of you not being a good daughter even when you help her. She has no loyalty and won’t feel any guilt in canceling on you at the last minute.

Personally as she's being more childminder than grandparent, I think you SHOULD pay her.

Grandparents aren't there to raise your children, that's your responsibility.

Also you chose to help her financially in the past - that was your choice, or did you do it to expect something in return?

I'd be living my own life and not relying on family and leaving her to her own life.

I think this is shocking. You can either help out your children or you can't but you should never ever expect any financial reward for looking after your own grandchildren. It's not as if it's going to be terribly onerous to collect them for three days a week. I can understand why you feel hurt, OP. If your mum will only look after your children if she's laid, I would use the money you would be paying her on a childminder instead.

I would be looking at alternative childcare options I’m sorry but your DM sounds awful and please stop helping her financially why should you help her out when she won’t have her grandchildren without pay.

Wow. You paid her mortgage for 18 months plus paid for other stuff and she told you she doesn't feel grateful and you aren't a good daughter?
I'd be cutting all ties!!! She's a cold, callous cow.

After reading this thread there is only one thing I would like to ask.

After the way your mother treat you and how she treats you now, would you seriously want this woman looking after your children while you’re not about?

Stop helping her out. That will free up some money. Pay for childcare. That will free up some headspace.

I watch my niece one morning a week for nothing. I love spending time with her. Enabling my sister to work is a bonus.