Shall I pay my DM?

[skyfly]

Hi all, I feel confused and need a sounding board. My mom offered to help with after school care for our two DC (8 and 5) from September. She will be collecting them from school 3 days per week and stay until 6.30-7pm. I was so pleased when she offered as it would reduce financial burden on our family. However, she since asked me to be paid as per babysitter rate. She said that this is going to be work for her, we are likely to expect her to babysit occasionally on weekends or be late at work. I don’t mind helping her out financially and had previously helped her quite a lot, esp during Covid, and got back to work with 4 months old baby to be able to help paying her mortgage

But I feel differently this time, I feel hurt and I cannot explain why. I just feel that I already put so much help out there but now we’ve been looking to cut costs so I assumed that offer of help was to alleviate financial pressure on our family. She also told me that she doesn’t not feel grateful for my financial help to date as I do not treat her like nice daughter. I grew up with my own grandma and was extremely close to her so I feel hurt that my mom considers being with her grandchildren as a work. Am I being too sensitive though?

And yes. Stop paying for stuff for her. She should be managing her own money, if she can’t afford her mortgage she needs to downsize or apply for a rental with a housing association etc.

Wow.

What a piece of work!

You've effectively given her thousands and now she wants more!

If shewants to be paid then she neefs to register as a child minder with tje local council who will inspect her home and check thst it 8s suitsble and that she is properly insured etc. Then she needs to notify HMRC of her additional income. Then you can decide if she's what you want.

Family should help each other out and thf time with her grandchildten is a treat, not work. Then off to the small claims court to get your money back.

I think if she needs the money she was obviously going to ask for money.

I also don't agree that GPs should necessarily do regular childcare for nothing as the "payment" is the pleasure of having their GC!

Also as a single mum & needing to work Op had to be looked after by someone as a child!

That said, there's obviously not a good relationship between Op & her mum & it doesn't sound as if she should be trusted with her GC.

Make an excuse and find a childminder/other solution.

Can’t believe she expects market rates. She will be acting like she’s doing you a big favour, yet still want a wage. Ridiculous!!

I would ask for the money back that you gave her towards her mortgage and sort out your own wraparound care.

No way would I pay someone unqualified anywhere near going rate for looking after children, whether they were related to them or not. You can utilise tax-free childcare if paying an actual childminder for a start.

This...

Then you also won't feel like you owe her on top of any payment you hand over.
Equally she has no hold on you.

I know it doesnt seems like it now but your DC's schooling will go so quickly and they
won't be needing after school care forever.

As much as looking after DC is a job if its your line of work when it comes to your own GC and your own DC needing a bit of financial help by way of looking after those GC most would try their best to accommodate. Your DM does sound a bit ungrateful especially as you helped contribute to keeping a roof over her head.

Tell her that you'll pay a trained child minder/nanny to look after your DC.
That will mean that you can't afford to help her out and she'll need to get herself a job.
She's got a terrible attitude....

This!

I would not want someone so resentful and accusatory looking after my children for such a lot of the week. If you proceed, you will have to put up with these comments when you pick up your children and its unlikely that she will listen to you when you ask her to do things in a certain way.

If you are being asked to pay the going rate - get a professional instead - who maybe won't accuse you of being nasty whilst having already taken as much mortgage and bills handouts from you as they could guilt trip you into. You had strained financial circumstances yourself, yet you still helped her out "as a dutiful daughter should" I expect that quote came directly from your DM. These demands would continue on top of the pay I expect and she would have you over a barrel as your main childcare.

It will be cheaper emotionally and financially to get a proper childminder.

However, it is a lot of childcare for no money, so its not surprising she has asked for some pay. But she has ignore the mortgage payments already made, which isn't fair. She herself is better off getting paid work without the commitments.

Personally I wouldn't want to be spending much time with someone who guilt tripped and insulted me.

Honestly I would run a mile from this arrangement. Use after school club or a childminder. It will get messy very quickly if you stick with your current plan. Sorry she’s such a twat OP, it sounds like you’ve been more than helpful and it’s a shame she can’t support you in return.

I never told her that I will stop helping her financially. I just cannot afford paying nanny/babysitter at this point on top of her costs, and our family costs. Hence, I was looking at the option of after school clubs/some local student to help out from Sept. She insisted that’s not needed as GC are old enough and she could help. But now it appears to be work and I was asked to enter in working relationships with my own mom. I just do not want her to work for me. Having read most of the comments, I think the wisest choice is to keep family and business separate and revert to my original plan (school clubs/babysitter in case of kids sickness etc)

OP why won’t you stop helping her financially - you can’t afford it and she doesn’t appreciate it.

What she should have got during Covid was a payment break on her mortgage.

You’ve said to her the last couple of months you can’t help her. Can you draw a line under it now. She has two properties, if she needs to sell one to pay off the other etc let her work it out.

Yes someone who's going to be professional and reliable also. How reliable is your mother - is she likely to take advantage of the fact she's your mother when she's babysitting, in the same way she allowed you to support her financially when she needed it? 🌹

She has two properties. OP are you mad?

she has more than enough surely to be sufficient on her own.

Again, are you helping/paying money to try and secure a greater bond between you?

Thats not right and you must know it deep down. Sometimes it’s better to face the awful truth that we have a shit parent and try to move on. Id spend that money on therapy, not your DM’s mortgage

YOu do not want this woman looking after your child.

Stop giving her money and find proper childcare.

@skyfly

Btw my elder brother has never helped her financially, despite not having kids on his own. And her response is always: “oh he does so much more for me than you”. Hard to accept but i think she never truly loved me.

This is so sad to read. Perhaps it's time to back away from your mother a bit, financially as well as emotionally and give your brother a signal that he now needs to step up.

You will need to be strong. When your mother gets "nasty" or your brother is unhappy about the new arrangements, you have your husband to support you - and perhaps, if you can afford it, more therapy for you, to strengthen yourself mentally.

Time to focus more on your nuclear family, children's future and your own needs. 🌹

@skyfly I think that is sensible to make other arrangements for the children for reasons you and pp have said. Best kept separate

I do think, given the way she speaks to you/thinks of you that you are being an absolute saint to still be helping her out financially and that no-one could blame you if you stopped, but I appreciate that is not what you asked, and relationships have all kinds of dynamics which people who don't know you, can't really comment on. But for what it's worth, that's my view.

Hope all goes well and that you can make arrangements before September

From experience be careful when paying her. I paid my mum £160 every 4weeks to help when my boys were born, 19years later im still paying it to her because she based her life around it. And yes, i know its my fault for not stopping it, saying no etc, just be very careful.

You know where you stand now at least.

For your own sanity, organise professional childcare.

And when your mother asks for more money, remind her that you’ve already given her a grand total of £x, and can no longer afford to subsidise her lifestyle. That you have financial commitments as a parent, and perhaps she can ask her son, who doesn’t have any of these commitments himself.

Bloody hell! Stop! Surely she must get a pension now?

I think whether/not son has children isn’t key. You don’t want him to say you expect it because he is childfree/less.

Just say no OP, you can’t afford it full stop. I might add that you are very hurt about being told you are not a “nice daughter” when you have given her such a large amount of money. If you are from a culture when sons are more valued that may fall on deaf ears so it might be a waste of time.

Id be more inclined to just say no. If you are not financing your mother it sounds like you can afford other childcare. It will be a professional relationship you won’t be told you and your kids are too much trouble.

You may want to start saving for your own old age. Your mother is certainly not poor, given she owns two properties.

You may get a nasty surprise if she leaves the two properties and everything to your brother, in which case, you may need your own earnings in the event of ill health or death of you or your partner, which I hope doesn’t happen of course!

I would pay unless she’s a dragon. I insisted on paying my parents for childcare, ironing etc the money really helped them but they’d never have admitted they were hard up. They would have done it for nothing but we couldn’t let them do that and it was such a help as they were trustworthy and reliable. If your mother isn’t then I’d look elsewhere for childcare.
We do the childcare for our grandchildren (but not ironing etc) although we don’t get paid and it’s never offered. We do get gifts and also meals out occasionally.
We are in a better financial position than my parents were plus it’s a delight to do it if a bit tiring at times.

I never told her that I will stop helping her financially. I just cannot afford paying nanny/babysitter at this point on top of her costs, and our family costs.

Well no one would think it odd if you did stop paying for her.

You have your own family to support.

Honestly if she has two houses she is surely taking the piss?

If she can't afford them both she can't have them both!

How does your husband feel about it all?

"She'll be a godsend.." @Horses7, I don't think you can have read all the OP's posts I'm afraid her mother sounds as if she comes from the other place, nowhere near God